Practical Theology for Women

Lonely in a Crowd

2012-01-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

My 5 year old son cried last week in bed because he was lonely. And I cried with him because I knew exactly what he was feeling. It all started when friends had to reschedule a play date on Friday. My little one was looking forward to them coming home after school, and when I told him they couldn't come after all, he started crying and asking whom else we could have over. He cried on and off most of that evening. We had friends over on Saturday, and he enjoyed that very much. But by Monday evening (a school holiday), he was very lonely again.

Here's the thing—he's never alone. He has a built in playmate in the form of his 7 year old brother with whom he shares a room. They play together quite a bit. But overall, my youngest is much more social than his Aspie-ish brother. My eldest is more like my engineer husband. My youngest is more like me. My eldest rarely struggles with loneliness, but the little one and I, boy howdy. And it comes at the weirdest times – times that don't make sense. I recognize being lonely when I am actually alone. But with two young boys, being physically alone is so rare that I actually enjoy it right now. Lonely in a crowd – that's a different thing altogether.

We were created for community. In perfection, God said it was not good for man to be alone, and He made a partner for him in the woman. God Himself is not alone—He makes up His own core community, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He talks to Himself in the plural – “Let Us make man in Our image.” And He then created us in His image. We need community – it's core to being an image bearer of God.

The pivotal moment at Jesus' death on the cross was when He cried out, “It is finished.” The veil of the temple that separated man from the symbolic presence of God in the Holy of Holies was torn apart. After sin had alienated us from community with God, Jesus made the way for us to be restored to fellowship with Him. The heart of the gospel is this reconciliation with God. In Christ, we are no longer alone. We have community with the most Holy of all. We have access to the throne of God, and He invites us to enter it boldly and with confidence that we may receive the grace and mercy we need at every turn.

God's community with Himself makes Jesus' cry from the cross, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” that much more poignant. Talk about being lonely in a crowd—Jesus has felt it!

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

So here I am in a moment of profound loneliness even though I'm surrounded by people. There are many lesser reasons for that loneliness. Maybe others with me seem to be enjoying something together, and I feel left out of the group. Maybe something is going on in my head that I want to share with someone, but no one around me seems interested. My youngest in his moment of loneliness wanted someone to play, not just around him, but actually WITH him. He was around people all day, but he wanted to be engaged with someone who enjoyed what he enjoyed.

Maturity in the faith helps me in these moments—not necessarily to solve the problem but certainly to recognize the source of the problem. I was created for something more, and this world is broken. The perception that everyone else is enjoying healthy community while I'm ignored on the sidelines is a deception by the enemy. They are broken too, and so is their sense of community.

The gospel meets me here. I am not alone. And I do not mean that in a trite or superficial way. I. AM. NOT. ALONE. God's community with me through Christ's death on the cross is real. It means something very practical for me in those moments of profound loneliness. I feel lonely in a crowd because those around me don't seem to understand me or care about me the way I long to be understood and loved. Yet, I have access to the One who does understand me perfectly and who does love me unconditionally.

I have found only one source for relief of such loneliness—and it is simply Bible study and prayer. I read the Word, and God speaks to me. I pray and speak to Him. Then maybe I'll read some more, and He speaks more. Sometimes His Word to me reflects His eternal purposes for His glory. Sometimes it reminds me that He's doing something big and transcendent. But sometimes, He speaks a special word to me that pinpoints an exact issue with which I am struggling. It's a word He spoke and preserved thousands of years ago in Scripture, yet for me in that moment, the Holy Spirit applies it in a profound way.

As I talked with my son that evening, I had a simple answer for him that at first sounded trite to me. But it was anything but trite, and I am glad I didn't shy away from it. “Honey, when you believe in Christ and have Him as your Savior, you are never alone.” I said more, prayed with him, and snuggled him in bed for a bit. We talked about what bothered him, and that seemed to help. But most of all, I hope I sowed a seed that will flourish in his heart as he grows older. In Christ, we are not alone. We are known and understood and heard and loved by the most Holy of all. The One who created us for community with Him has made a way to bring us back. Make use of this truth. Appropriate it. Nothing will sustain us emotionally like living daily in this truth. I quoted Hebrews 4:15 above. It's noteworthy that it is immediately followed by this.

Hebrews 4:16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Discipling an Aspie

2012-01-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

I read an article recently that discussed ministering to those with Asperger's Syndrome.

“The name comes from a pediatrician in Vienna, Hans Asperger, who in the 1940’s discovered that certain children have a unique set of character traits. He began to study them, and he noticed they had some of the following characteristics in common:

-they tend to have a low EQ, meaning they lack certain social skills
-they prefer to be alone
-they are very intelligent (“little professors” he called them)
-they see things in black and white, meaning they take things very literally
-they do not easily process information
-they miss subtleties, do not easily intuit
-they are very sensitive to sounds, textures
-they have an odd sense of humor—quirky fits here
-they do not easily read faces, tend to avoid eye contact
-they are not so sensitive to feelings—they do not easily empathize
-they can melt down if given too many tasks at once

I immediately thought of my son, who is distinctly different from his brother and most of his preschool and elementary school peers in how he processes information. My son is not on the most extreme end of the Asperger's Spectrum, yet, he's there. I read these attributes to my husband as well, and we laughed. It explains a lot in our family.

My husband is by far my best resource in parenting my little Aspie because my little guy is in many ways just a smaller version of my big guy. The big thing we've talked about is accepting simply that he processes things differently than many other kids. And different is not bad.

Different: unusual, not common, not in step with the norm

Bad: of poor or inferior quality; defective; deficient; inadequate or below standard; morally reprehensible

This has been a very important point for me to get. DIFFERENT is not the same as BAD. Unusual is not the same as defective or morally wrong. Because I have a very different personality than my son, I value the norm. If I walk into a room of people in a social situation, I try to assess what is already going on and join in or support it if I can. And that can be a good thing—maybe I'm being polite and empathetic. It can also be a bad thing—maybe I'm insecure and trying to please people. Maybe I am proud and want them to think well of me. When my son walks in a room and is oblivious of others, it's not necessarily wrong, but it is very different from me.

Once I fortify myself against the “different is bad” mentality that others project onto me and that my own personality tempts me to believe, then I can deal with my son's strengths and weaknesses at a healthy level. What are the strengths of his personality spiritually speaking? What are the weaknesses?

The strengths I have come to recognize easily enough. He isn't easily pressured by his peers. I wouldn't mind so much if he looked around his 1st grade classroom and tried to blend in a bit better. But I recognize that long term, this will serve him very well. He won't be hogtied emotionally like I was by the way others look at him. His personality traits will protect him, at least somewhat, from the kind of negative peer pressure that debilitated me when I was in junior high and high school. If he thinks he should or should not do something, he won't be easily persuaded by the opinion of others. That is an awesome gift, and I admire it greatly after having struggled with that myself.

But his personality comes with weaknesses too. He often lacks empathy. And he can lock in so hard on a project that people become meaningless to him. I can't just TELL him to be considerate, because it's not intuitive for him. I have to model it and truly, proactively disciple him in it. I can't just tell him the Golden Rule. I have to explain it in detail and then help him evaluate specific situations again and again in light of it.

The places we are focusing right now are the Greatest Command and the Golden Rule. People are more important than projects. That doesn't mean that projects aren't good or that he shouldn't have opportunity to focus on his projects. We give him a lot of room there. But when the rubber meets the road, people are more important than projects. Our first priority is loving God. Our second is to love our neighbor as ourself. Which leads very nicely into the Golden Rule – how do YOU want to be treated, son? Ok. Then love your brother and treat him the way you want him to treat you.

I have learned so much in this journey with my son, yet I still can get very discouraged. It helps me to think how far we've already come – to think back on our miserable first year of preschool. I had experienced enough playdates with friends in the first 2 years of my son's life to know he wasn't exactly developmentally on target. But when we hit preschool, it was starkly obvious. There were 12 kids in the classroom—eleven 2-3 year olds remarkably similar in their ability to interact with peers and grown ups and one, my son, who was very, very different. The teachers helped me much that first year, patiently modeling for him again and again how to interact with other kids and grown ups, how to understand their expressions and repair with them when he had hurt them. And patiently modeling for ME how to redirect him and help him build the social skills that came normally for other kids but which he could not intuit for himself. They pointed me toward speech therapy, where a therapist modeled for me how to help him make eye contact and take turns in communication. In the five years since then, he and I have both come a long, long way.

It's hard to water seeds and wait for fruit with our children, and it's certainly hard when discipling a child with aspie tendencies. The exhortations in Scripture to persevere and endure are precious to me in this journey. Stay engaged. Repeat instruction as necessary. And never give up. Different is not bad, and it's OK that I have to teach this son things that come naturally to many other kids.

1 Corinthians 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

James 1 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Wisdom v. the Law on Women's Issues

2012-01-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

I posted these thoughts a year ago but want to revisit them today.

In an article posted at Desiring God, I wrote about my journey to understand Scripture's instructions to women through the lens of the gospel. Apart from the gospel, the law kills. Presenting instructions to women apart from a thorough fleshing out of the gospel sets women up for failure, and I have sat under much teaching and read many books that do that very thing. In fact, I have myself done this very thing to others.

Furthermore, among the books I read and teachers I heard, I wasn't just presented with the law, I was also often presented with the teacher's personal application of the law. I'd like to think I haven't done this myself, though I probably have. I have had a conviction since I was a teenager that Scripture was sufficient—sufficient in what it says is wrong and sufficient in what it says is right—and have tried to let that conviction constrain me in anything I might project onto others.

The law says tithe, but the legalist pressures others to tithe their spice rack. And that's exactly what has happened in many presentations on women's issues. As a new wife, I felt constrained by other's applications for their families of general Bible principles. My husband finally had to tell me point blank, “Honey, I don't NEED that.” I was stressed over color coordinated, organic meals when he just needed clean socks. I was greeting him in a state of anxious self-condemnation over the clutter in our home when he is actually more comfortable IN clutter than in a precisely organized room. But no one clarified for me the difference in general Bible principles and personal application.

Christians historically have confused wisdom and law, Proverbs and the Ten Commandments. For instance, we are all familiar with opposite proverbs. “Look before you leap” verses “He who hesitates is lost.” Or for a Biblical example, consider Proverbs 26:4-5.

4 Answer not a fool according to his folly,
lest you be like him yourself.
5 Answer a fool according to his folly,
lest he be wise in his own eyes.

Wisdom is not law. And wisdom is only wise when applied correctly in the right situations. You can't read Proverbs the same as the Ten Commandments, yet in our fight against moral relativism, conservative Christians fear situational wisdom. The result is silly, one-dimensional conclusions.

The answer to our fears of moral relativism as we apply wisdom in ways that are actually wise is the indwelling Spirit. Yet, we are suspicious of Him too. Wouldn't we all rather spend 3 years in person at Jesus' feet as did Peter? Yet compare Peter after 3 years in Jesus' presence with Peter after 3 years of the indwelling Holy Spirit. As Jesus Himself says, it was better for Peter, resulting in greater growth and maturity in his life, that the Spirit indwell him than he continue to sit in person at Jesus' feet. It's a profound concept.

Paul exhorts us in Galatians 5:16 to “walk by the Spirit,” which literally means to “keep in step with the Spirit.” It is this pressing into God via the Spirit that equips us to apply wisdom in wise ways without fear of moral relativism. It equips us to distinguish principle from application and to know what application God has for us as opposed to what He has for the zealous teacher at a women's conference. Remember that you have something BETTER than sitting at the feet of Jesus. And He will teach you well.

John 16 7 Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you. 8 And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: … 13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth,

God bless you as you seek His guidance in how to apply general Biblical wisdom to your specific situation without condemnation for how others apply it in theirs.

Much of Tebowmania represents the worst of American Christianity

2012-01-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

American Christians love a winner. We love big numbers and big personalities. And when Tim Tebow is winning, we love him. There is a big difference in Tim Tebow and Tebowmania. Tim seems a genuine guy, and I've written about him before. Tebow's up front faith isn't why people dislike him. Most everyone who has rubbed shoulders with him for any length of time (coaches, teammates, and reporters) has been warmed by his humility and care for the suffering. Tebow's fans, well we're a different story. I just saw this in a secular article in the Chicago Sun-Times on the aftermath of Tebowmania.

"... People have constructed a world for him in which there is no room for mistakes, only perfection. And if he should stumble? What then?

It’s frightening how much belief followers have put in a 24-year-old. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for the woman who marries him. I can’t imagine the glare of the spotlight and the pressure to be sinless.

Tebow seems like a very nice guy with a very big heart. It’s the people who worship him, rather than just admire him, who make my skin crawl."

We have done this to ourselves, fellow believers. It's not persecution that causes this reaction -- it's bad theology. I don't want to write about Tim Tebow. Whether or not he makes it long term in the NFL, he seems to have perspective. He'll be fine. Tebowmania--that's a different story, and that's the point of this post. It represents to me the worst of the prosperity gospel of conservative evangelicals (which is different than Joel Osteen's version, yet equally destructive).

Michelle Bachman's presidential campaign is an example. During Tebow's 6 game winning streak, she authorized a campaign ad likening herself to him -- under appreciated, maligned for his faith, yet able to get it done. The problem was that by the time the ad hit the airwaves, Tebow had hit his dismal 3 game slide at the end of the season. A losing Tebow was of no use to her campaign. Losing Tebow wouldn't resonate or inspire the voters she was trying to court. Coupled with her losses in early primaries, the ad was the death knell of her campaign. If only she had held on a week, she could have milked it for all it was worth after his improbable win over Pittsburgh. But it would be useless again now after the loss to the Patriots.

Tim, I know you're not reading this but if you were (after asking you if you could get me a size large women's NFL Tebow jersey because they are sold out online), I'd want to tell you how very sorry I am to see you exploited so by conservative evangelicals. Exploitation by unbelievers is one thing, but when it is so called brothers and sisters in Christ, it's so much worse. They'll mostly leave you alone if you lose consistently next season. You'll be of no more use then to prop up their distorted prosperity gospel. Life makes better sense for Christians when Marian Barber's fumble and Prater's miraculous field goals are God's affirmation of you for your up front faith. But if you continue in that faith and lose miserably for any length of time, they won't know what to do with it. They don't know what to do with THAT God.

In reality, sometimes the greatest gifts God gives faithful Christians come in the form of losses. They that lose their life will find it, Jesus says. Losses often pave the way for His better gifts -- not gifts of things, but gifts of Himself.

Conservative evangelicals may not uniformly want that God, but, nevertheless, He's the One we've got. And there's something about Him that is infinitely better long term than the one who makes bad teams fumble and good teams win.

How Should Christian Women Who Value Submission Think of Vashti and Esther?

2012-01-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

I've spoken in times past of my concerns about the things some complementarians say that I think actually undermine the position. As a Christian woman, I have learned to strongly value the words help, submit, and respect—at least when those terms are used the way God intended when He used them first in His Word. The more I embrace these words in my home, the more annoyed I get with teachers who are sloppy with the terms and sloppy with Scripture when trying to defend these concepts. And one place we do that is with the story of Vashti and Esther in the Old Testament.

So I ask the simple question, how SHOULD women who are IN Christ and IMAGE BEARERS of God read the book of Esther? Well, first, the way I've worded the question sets me up as an authority that I am not. Second, it sounds like you are obligated to agree with my analysis, but that's not true either. As I often say, this blog is just a lecture to myself, so I'm really only answering the question how should this Christian woman (me) who values submission think of Vashti and Esther. Maybe I'll say something here that the Spirit causes to resonate with you, and that's good too.

There are a few principles that help me navigate the story of Esther. First, I must remember with any story in Scripture the very great difference in DESCRIPTIVE and PRESCRIPTIVE passages. Many, many times in the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, we are given stories without commentary that we are not ever intended to embrace as examples to us. Don't cut up your concubine and spread her remains around the camp of those who murdered her. And please don't kill your daughter as a sacrifice just because she's the first one to walk out a tent after you make a vow to God. It's not a good idea to lay down in the middle of the night at the foot of the bed of a man whose attention you are hoping to land. And we don't prescribe that all widows move in with their mother in law and marry their husband's cousin just because the book of Ruth describes that scenario.

Second, Scripture is the best commentary on itself. We know from Genesis 2 that woman was created to be a strong helper in the image of God. That certainly reflects on Esther—she was strong for the children of God, helping to protect them by potentially sacrificing her own life to get the ear of the king. We also know from Genesis 3 that the curse among other things is that man oppresses woman (see here and here). Well, boy howdy, that certainly reflects on the story of Vashti and Esther. There is no indication of any virtue in the king towards women in that story. God's people are basically in captivity and the king demonstrates no faith in God. He's not the worst of kings, evidenced by the fact he didn't kill Vashti. But he's obviously feared—Esther keeps the fact she is Jewish secret from him at the start. And he is willing to wipe out an entire people, male and female, based on Haman's flimsy reasoning of their threat to his kingship. The king has a harem and concubines. There is nothing about him that reflects virtue or goodness.

In terms of Ephesians 5 and wifely submission, Esther does submit, but not to the king. She submits to Mordecai, who is neither her husband or father—when he says don't tell the king you're Jewish, she doesn't. When Mordecai encouraged her to defy the king's orders by approaching him about sparing the Jews, she does. In the end, there is nothing about Esther's story that can be reasonably construed as having anything to do with wifely submission in terms of Ephesians 5.

Here is what Esther teaches us as Christian women who value submission.

1) Nothing about submission.
2) Everything about the sovereignty of God.

Esther is a beautiful book, much like Ruth, on God's supernatural moving behind the scenes to preserve His people, particularly the line of the Messiah. To this end, Vashti's refusal is as much a part of God's sovereign plan to move Esther into the place where she could advocate for God's people as Esther's promotion to queen.

If you want to understand what God prescribes about help, submission, headship, and respect, don't read Esther for advice or example. However, the book of Esther has much to teach us about our sovereign Father in heaven who wrote a story before time began and declared it FINISHED on the cross. When we face uncertainties in life, the same God who is never mentioned in Esther is the same one flying under the radar at times in our life. He holds it all together though, and His plan will be accomplished.

Colossians 1 16 For by him (Jesus) all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Godliness with Contentment

2012-01-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

After posting the top 5 posts with readers for 2011, I started thinking about the top posts for ME. Of all the lessons the Lord taught me last year, what most defined my year? What most changed me? Working through the idea of righteous anger and coming to the strong conviction that “righteous anger” is not a Biblical principle, was a big one for me. It's changed how I respond to things. It doesn't make me less resolved to stand against oppression, though. The Christian's call to strong advocacy for the oppressed and marginalized in society was another important lesson in 2011 for me. Tim Keller's Generous Justice helped me on this topic with it's clear exposition of passage after passage on the Christian's call to social justice from Scripture.

But of all the lessons from last year, without a doubt, the concept that has most changed me is the phrase godliness with contentment from I Tim. 6:6 and the subsequent study I did of it in preparation for a women's conference on contentment last April.

I Tim. 6:6-8
6 But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. 7 For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. 8 If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content.

At first, this just sounds like another obligation to add to the long list of obligations I already have. “Great—it's not enough just that I be godly. Now I've got to be content too.” Is it an obligation? Is it something I need to do or be? What does the phrase godliness with contentment mean, and how is it even possible?

The Hebrew term for godliness, eusebia, means devotion or piety. Synonyms would be respect, veneration, or devotion.

You are devoted to God – you are aligned with Him, you keep a posture toward Him. You love Him. And most of us reading a blog on theology for women probably generally consider ourselves devoted to God. In an honest assessment of ourselves, we really do love Him. But you can be godly, showing reverence, piety, and devotion to God and His things, you can love Him from a sincere, pure heart without being content. The one doesn't imply the other. There are godly people, devoted to God, who are not content. And that is not particularly great gain.

It makes sense to me that these are distinct. My problem isn't that they are separate, but that they seem mutually exclusive. They seem completely incompatible. There are facets of devotion and piety toward God, i. e. godliness, that seem to fundamentally war with my idea of contentment. What godly person is going to be content with this life? As pious, godly, devoted believers, we're called to pray that His kingdom come. Yet we live in a world where we are constantly faced with all the ways His kingdom is not yet fully realized – sickness, death, suffering, and sin. It's the already, but not yet nature of the kingdom of God.

Hebrews 2:8 (of Jesus) ...putting everything in subjection under his feet.” Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him.

Everything is subject to Jesus, but we do not yet see everything subject to Him. That's our reality. Where in your life is the kingdom of God not yet fully realized? Where in your life is there this disconnect between what God says is GOOD and desirable vs. your reality?

Many of you have experienced infertility or the loss of a child. You love God and desire to raise children for His glory. He himself calls them a blessing. Yet this righteous kingdom desire is unfulfilled, and you ache as you process it.

Maybe you're a wife who wants to honor God in your marriage, but your husband undermines and deflates you constantly. Your love of God draws you to raise your children to love Christ. Yet your husband is at best apathetic and maybe even actually hostile to Christianity.

Or maybe you are a single woman living in a state that God Himself in perfection says is “not good.” You have a piety and devotion toward God yet daily experience a loneliness that is far from the community for which He created us to enjoy in perfection.

Maybe you're a daughter whose parents are close to divorce. You long for them to embrace God's plan for their marriage yet daily watch the two people you most love in this world wound and sin against each other.

The examples could go on and on.

“God how do I be content with THIS?!” Really, You want me to be content in the midst of THIS sin? THIS suffering? THIS conflict? THIS thing that is not like You?”

It's one thing to be content with your bank account or your clothing options. But how do you reconcile godliness with contentment when your parents divorce? Your church splits? Your husband leaves? Your child rebels? Or when none of them ever show up in your life in the first place?

Am I really supposed to be content in the midst of all these things in my life that do not yet reflect God's kingdom and God's goodness?

Godliness and contentment seem mutually exclusive in such situations.

The other word in this phrase is contentment. The Greek word autarkeia means a condition of life in which no further aid or support is needed, or a condition in life in which you have sufficient supplies for the needs of the moment. It is used one other place in the New Testament. There it is translated sufficiency.

2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;

Sufficiency – you have what you need. You have adequate provision, adequate supplies.

In a world of people and situations that consistently miss the mark of God's perfection and all He intended us to be as His image bearers in Eden, you and I have adequate, sufficient supplies for this season. For this struggle. We have something that bridges the gap between what our piety and devotion to God calls us to long for and the reality of our experience at this very moment. We have a bridge between our godly longing and our fallen reality that sufficiently equips us to deal with each struggle.

It is the gospel.

The gospel is the bridge. God has done something through the life, death, and resurrection of Christ by which He is able to make “all grace abound to you.” He has done something through Christ that sufficiently equips you so that you are abundantly supplied for every good work He has called you to do.

Gospel grace sufficiently supplies you when your husband fails you. Gospel grace sufficiently supplies you to face unreconciled conflict between Christians. Gospel grace sufficiently supplies you when your parents divorce, your children rebel, or your friend rejects you. Gospel grace sufficiently supplies us in our suffering over sickness and death. And it also sufficiently supplies us to face our suffering over sin—our sin and others' sins against us.

Gospel grace is the bridge to contentment, or the gospel is the bridge to this confidence in His sufficient supply for us in this very moment—though there is a grand void between the Garden of Eden and our backyard as it stands right now. But the terms gospel, grace, gospel-centered, grace-based, and such phrases are more often thrown out than accurately defined. I don't want to use the gospel as a buzz word. So I need to flesh out what I mean when I say the answer is the gospel.

I grew up in very conservative churches, learning short pithy sayings that “summed up” the gospel. I took evangelism classes so I could walk someone through the “Romans' Road” and memorized 5 step flip charts at Christian camp. Now, looking back, I realize that I could only articulate a PART of the gospel. Each presentation focused on the universal nature of our debt (all have sinned and come short of the glory of God) and Christ's payment of our sins on the cross. They focused on the value of Christ's DEATH for me. But they didn't focus on the value of His LIFE. Over the years, I have come to understand that the good news of Christ is not just that, through Jesus, my debt to God is canceled. God did not JUST bring my account up to zero, but He also lavished positively His grace on me, crediting to my account Christ's righteousness.

2 Corinthians 5:21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

I had an infinite debt to God. I was by nature deserving of His wrath, Paul says in Ephesians 2, dead in my sins unable to save myself. I have benefitted greatly from Christ's death, the penal substitution. But I can't begin to articulate the benefits to me from His LIFE, this imputed righteousness. Christ's righteousness is in my spiritual bank account now. And that is every bit as precious as the payment for my sin. Think of an inmate deserving the long sentence he received. Then, by the mercy of the judge and sacrifice of another, the inmate's sentence is paid in full. He gets to walk out of jail a free man. Yet, he's broke. Sure, he's grateful that he no longer has a debt to society, but he faces a long, daunting road. He can't even buy lunch. He can't pay a taxi to take him home (if he even has a home). If he doesn't have someone outside who's watching out for him, he can't even pay for a hotel room for the night. He's set up for failure. He's set up to return to a life of crime. His only hope is to pull himself up from the bootstraps. But pitfalls surround him, and he has virtually no safety structure to keep him from utterly failing. And so is the very great difference between a view of the gospel that ends with penal substitution and one that also strongly embraces imputed righteousness.

Paul teaches this view of the gospel in Ephesians. He starts off with a bang – in Christ, you are blessed with EVERY SPIRITUAL BLESSING. And he goes through them all, praying at the end of Ephesians 1 that we'd really come to understand this inheritance in our accounts and power at work on our behalf. Then he gets into the fact that we were dead in our sins, by nature deserving of God's wrath, alienated from God. I think Paul understands, under the Spirit's inspiration, that we NEED to know our bank account is full and that we have resources. Just being spared death does not prepare you for life.

God didn't bring me just to dead even. But now, in Christ, I have an abundant surplus in my account because God sees me wearing Christ's robe of righteousness. I AM RIGHTEOUS! And not by works of my own. God has lavished this righteousness to my account fully by His mercy and grace, and I can REST in it. This is the gospel.

Now re-read 2 Cor. 9:8 in that context.

2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;

So here you are in this moment where your godliness, your devotion to God and desire for His kingdom to come, seems at war with your reality. And God says, “No, you can rest. You are sufficiently supplied by My grace. I have blessed you with EVERY SPIRITUAL BLESSING there is. You have a spiritual bank account that is full. You are now equipped to face this struggle head on. You have an abundance to draw from for the good deeds that I am calling you to.”

Now, in Christ, I am the inmate set free from my well-deserved sentence who has the bank account and resources of a child of the king. I have RESOURCES for every spiritual need that comes my way. When I am provoked to anger with my children, I have spiritual resources. When I am sinned against by a friend, I have spiritual resources. When my church has conflicts, I am equipped. When my parents sin, I am equipped. When my husband fails me, I am equipped. When loved ones suffer, I am equipped. When loved ones sin against me, I am equipped. Paul says that the same power that raised Christ from the dead is the power at work in me!

A few years ago, I walked with friends through a confluence of really ugly circumstances—things that seemed like the exact opposite of the kingdom of God coming. I remember sitting across from one of my friends on the sofa in her living room in the first week of a really ugly, painful abandonment by her husband, praying to God in desperation – “How do I reconcile this? How are You good in this? Where is the gospel in this?” In that moment, the word content sounded sounded profane. I couldn't tell her to be content with this circumstance. Her husband just abandoned their children in the ugliest way possible. Be content with this thing that is so unlike God and what He tells us to long for?! It truly sounded profane to even suggest such a thing.

Yet, I knew IN THEORY there was something in Christ's life, death, and resurrection that was supposed to speak into this. To transform this. That was in February. In May, my aunt was murdered after coming home from Sunday church. I can't even begin to unpack here the wrestling between godliness and contentment in my heart provoked by that one act by a violent kid none of us knew. This was in conjunction with an intense conflict between Christian friends that resulted in what seemed like the exact opposite of God's kingdom coming and His will being done on earth as it is in heaven. In the midst of all that, I was writing By His Wounds You Are Healed, my study of Ephesians, and I was becoming intimately acquainted with Paul's presentation of the gospel (both Christ's payment of our sins and the lavish grace applied to our account) and then his prayer at the end of Ephesians 1.

18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might 20 which He brought about in Christ, when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places,

This became my wrestling place. Open my eyes to my hope in the gospel. Open my eyes to the riches in my account. Open my eyes to the power at work, the same power that raised Christ from the dead. God, these things are not like You. How do I love you and long for Your kingdom to come and be content with this? Am I supposed to encourage my friends to be content with this? And if by contentment I mean a passive acceptance, then NO, I'm not supposed to passively accept this. This is not God's kingdom. It's not OK. But if by contentment I mean that I have faith that God has adequately supplied me and you through Christ's life and death and resurrection; that He has sufficiently equipped me and you by lavishing on us a spiritual bank account with great equity to face this head on; that the same power that rose Christ from the dead is now the power supernaturally at work in us, equipping us to deal with these struggles—if THAT's contentment, then I understand why devotion to God coupled with that confidence is GREAT GAIN.

And that is my testimony. There was great gain to be had in all these struggles. It wasn't immediately obvious. It was counterintuitive. And yet I can look back now on the worst of times and see how God gave us great gifts of Himself throughout. The gain may seem intangible to others, but it was real to me. And my friend that I mentioned would gladly give the same testimony.

Godliness with contentment does not mean pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. If that phrase fills you with guilt, you are missing the point. The gospel doesn't obligate me to contentment; it equips me for contentment. The gospel equips you and I to do battle with sin and suffering with the very same power that raised Christ from the dead. We have a lavish spiritual bank account, and this is integral to the very good news of all Christ's life and death has accomplished for us. And devotion to God coupled with this confidence in His sufficient supply is GREAT GAIN.

2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;

Thoughts on Tebow, SNL, and Jesus

2011-12-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

I love Tim Tebow. I really love watching his interviews. I enjoyed him on Sound FX after the Broncos win over Chicago, singing Our God is an Awesome God as he ran on the field for their final winning drive. I love Tebow's heart. He encourages me. But I'm concerned that I'm going to exploit him by using him as the topic for a blog post. He of course gets exploited by unbelievers. That's par for the course. But his exploitation by believers really annoys me. Sarah Palin's and Rick Perry's references to him to promote their political campaigns just seems the worst kind of exploitation. It didn't benefit Tebow to be associated with Palin or Perry, but it certainly benefited them. But now I'm using his name in my blog post. I don't often talk about individuals in a post, unless I'm reviewing a book or linking to a sermon. So I've thought a lot about what the tone of this post should be if I'm going to use an individual name of a brother in Christ. He's a person, not a phenomenon, and I don't take that lightly.

Tim's name gets used and exploited for other's benefit quite a bit. Consider the Saturday Night Live Jesus and Tebow skit. That really outraged a lot of people. I don't like to see Jesus' name or likeness used in a flippant way. Yet, there was something about that skit that reminded me of the amazing incarnation we celebrate this season--of the wonderful difference in Jesus and, say, Mohammed. If SNL did a skit with a character dressed up as Mohammed, fundamentalist muslims would put a fatwa on their head. Just ask Salman Rushdie. Jesus isn't just a prophet like Mohammed. He's actually God incarnate. Even so, there will be no Rushdie type ultimatum against SNL because of their Jesus skit (though Pat Robertson may try). This is not the first time Jesus has been mocked. Most notable is the mockery Jesus endured in person, and His infinitely gracious response, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Our ever gracious God made a way for the very ones who mock Him to be forgiven and restored.

Tim Tebow has been an example to me of this kind of Jesus-like graciousness. When the Detroit Lions defense mocked him during their game, he endured it and responded with graciousness. When Brian Urlacher called him a good running back, Tebow didn't take it as an offense. He turned the other cheek, so to speak. He has not risen to the taunts that have bombarded him since his years at Florida. He's characterized by graciousness to his enemies and care for the poor and oppressed. In contrast, Sarah Palin is not known for either. And when Christians who are not famous for their Christ-like graciousness or self-sacrificial care of the oppressed try to tag along on Tebow's reputation for their own cause, well, it makes me indignantly angry. I have convictions about not acting out on such anger, even if I feel it is righteous. But I don't think it's wrong to say that it makes me angry.

To be truthful, I'm not very much like Tebow either. The thing I most love about Tebow (and that I pray daily that the Lord protects in him) is his transparent, moment by moment walk with His Savior. Short prayer here. Short prayer there. “Praise Jesus” at the beginning of every interview. “God bless” at the end. Singing praise songs during warm up and then after a big play when everyone else is screaming and jumping up and down. Two verses immediately come to mind.

Matthew 10:32 So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven,

John 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

I used to be more outwardly enthusiastic. I used to better wear my relationship with Jesus on my sleeve. I thought I was naive in my youth and attributed the tempering of that enthusiasm to maturity. I was settling down and getting to work on the mundane, tedious aspects of life, or so I thought. Someone has to endure quietly in the trenches, right?! And there is some truth to that. But I think cynicism has played a role in the change too. Cynics are those who believe the worst about people and circumstances. If an event could be interpreted in more than one way, the cynic chooses the worst interpretation and labels as naïve those who choose the best. Tebow is reminding me that there is more than naivety that calls us to believe the best.

I Cor. 13: 5-8 … (love) is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

It's not naivety that calls us to give the benefit of the doubt and put off resentment. It isn't naivety that calls us to rejoice in the truth and believe the best. It's God Himself in His Holy Word. So, thanks Tim, for reminding me of some very important Bible truths. I'm praying that God protects this in you, win or lose.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

2011-12-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

We just moved into a new home, and I've found myself very, very discontent. We had good reasons for moving out of our old home, and our new house fits the criteria for which we were looking. I wasn't sure that it would work out for us to get this one, and I prayed and prayed for God to work it out. On paper, it seemed exactly right. God did work it out, and I thanked Him for it.

Then we moved in. I tend to fix my vision on a momentous point in time and get disappointed afterwards that everything didn't resolve the way I thought it would. I KNEW my tendency to think something like a move into a new house would solve various problems, and I prepared myself not to do that this time. Yet, here I am on the other side of it, and sure enough, I have problems. I feel as unsettled in my “home” as ever. And instead of feeling prepared because, of course, I knew this wouldn't solve life's struggles, I'm sick with longing to move back into the house we had.

Sarah Groves has a song about “painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked.” Like the Israelites, it's easy to look back at what I had, forgetting the real reasons we had for moving. The funny thing about the Israelites is that, in Egypt, they were SLAVES. Yet once they were actually free, the regular food they received in bondage seemed better than freedom in the wilderness.

Not only am I discontent, I'm discontent with something that really is very nice. I'm thankful for friends who let me unload on them without making me feel like a whiner, but I have many loved ones around me struggling with real things—critically sick children, bankruptcy, spouses leaving the faith. And I feel very guilty that I'm struggling with such a lesser burden. I keep reminding myself that it could be so much worse. “Be thankful. Look around at what you DO have!” But guilt doesn't help me at all. I can't say it enough--guilt doesn't help me resolve this in my heart AT ALL.

The truth is that the Israelites, even after they were freed from Egypt, STILL weren't in the promised land. They were still sojourners, trekking through the wilderness. That's the principle that seems to draw me back to emotional stability and endurance. I am discontent because this world is not my home. Not my old house. Not my new house. And not that other house that I thought was so peaceful and inviting that didn't work out either. I am longing for something more than any house could possibly give me. I'm longing for peace. And security. For stressless relationships. To be with the One I love and Who loves me. I'm longing for sunshine and provision. For joy and REST.

I know where this is found. I wrote about John 6 here. Jesus says there,

54 Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. 55 For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. 56 Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. 57 As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. 58 This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.

I long for true food and true drink, for true satisfaction and true rest. I long for true HOME. It's the already, but not yet aspect of the Kingdom of God. Jesus has come, and in this very moment, I can feast on Him and LIVE. I am already seated with Him in the heavenly places, my permanent, peaceful home. Yet, I still live here on earth in a tent. I don't see Him face-to-face as I type these words.

The solution to my discontent is to embrace the tension. This world is not my home, and I am seated with Him in the heavenly realm. He is my manna in the wilderness, and I feast on Him through prayer and Bible study. I can then receive from this earthly home what it can provide and not look to it to provide what it can not. Only then do the seeds of peace and rest start to bloom in my heart.

Guilt did nothing for me. Meditating on Christ did.

On Lonely Christmases

2011-12-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

This is the 3rd year I've posted some variation of the following thoughts for Christmas. I'm tempted to come up with something more positive and inspirational. If you're not personally enduring a long season of loss, I suspect I sound like Debbie Downer through the last few posts. Yet, I remain convinced that nothing drives us to authentic faith in Jesus like desperation. And I know and love so many desperate people right now.

The trial of our faith works patience. Patience. Endurance. Perseverance. These are as important virtues in the Christian walk as the more popular peace or temperance. The holidays each year draw our attention clearly to the passage of time and highlight our need for endurance.

I have spent my fair share of Christmases crying under the Christmas tree in the dark, staring at the lights on the tree dreaming of the Christmas I want, rather than the Christmas I have. This Christmas, it's stressful (we just moved and our house is still a chaotic mess), yet it's a good stress, and I thank God that I don't foresee crying under the tree this year. But I've had enough lonely Christmases in the past, longing for something different, to respect the fact that for many of you who follow this blog, the Christmas season puts a harsh spotlight on the losses in your life. Perhaps you lost something you had -- a child, a spouse, a parent, a relationship. Perhaps you feel the loss of something you long to have but have not yet gotten to hold – a child, a husband.

The holiday season makes it very clear exactly what we are longing for and exactly what we are mourning. It is especially hard to distract ourselves from our losses during this season. If you find yourself in this place, with the spotlight shining on your losses so that you can not escape the pain whether sitting under the tree, singing a carol, buying a gift, or opening a present, here are some thoughts from someone who has been there before.

1) Your loss is real, and it is OK to feel it deeply. But know also that you are not alone in your loneliness. Despite what you likely sense, most others are not enjoying the holidays unconditionally. There is not something wrong with you. Or actually, there is something wrong, but there is something wrong with all of us. So don't let the feelings of loss, loneliness, and isolation go unanswered in your own head. You may feel that you are alone and no one else understands the weight of the loss you carry through the holidays, but the truth is that MANY of your brothers and sisters in Christ are carrying such burdens, and you are not alone in your loss. Feel your loss, for it is real. But fight Satan when he tempts you to isolate yourself or distance yourself from others because of it.

2) Holiday pain can also clarify what you do have. Forget turkeys and cranberry sauce, gifts given and received. Stocking stuffers are over rated. Instead, understand that your circumstances also shine a spotlight on Christ. When you aren't distracted by Christmas frivolities (or enamored by them, as many of us are), you can recognize the void that can only be filled by one thing -- Christ Himself. It was during lonely Christmases that I discovered Colossians 1 and sat under a tree reading it to myself. It sustained me, not just for a season, but I've gone back to that passage for a lifetime.

Colossians 1 tells us exactly Who arrived in the manger that night. As the holidays spotlight the pain of your losses, I encourage you to let God's description of His Son shine an alternate spotlight on all you have in Him this season.

15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. 19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

21 And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22 he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him,

Wherever you are this season, daughter of God and bride of Christ, I hope this vision of the eternal One you have in Christ will sustain you during lonely times. You are loved and wanted by Christ. You do have a family, in every idealistic sense of the term. It is in Him and with Him. That truth won't erase the pain of your very real loss this holiday season, but may it be the balm that soothes and comforts you, for by His wounds, you are healed.

Where else would I go?!

2011-12-07T21:25:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks, our pastors have preached from John 6. I highly recommend their sermons. Here's the one from Nov. 27. I'm waiting on the link to the other. I went home from church and read John 6 again. It's a pivotal moment in Jesus' ministry, and God struck me with the significance for my own life as I reread it. Consider the scene.

The people have a felt need. They are hungry, and Jesus provides abundantly—with baskets and baskets left over. It's amazing, incredible provision! The people quickly move to make Him king. Who wouldn't, right?! This PROVIDER is what they've been looking for. Or so they think. But Jesus understands their purpose and eludes them. When they finally catch up to Him, He rocks their understanding of Him.

25 When they found him on the other side of the sea, they said to him, "Rabbi, when did you come here?" 26 Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. 27 Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." 28 Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" 29 Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." 30 So they said to him, "Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform? 31 Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'"

Jesus points out to them that they seek Him now, not because He's doing the signs of the Messiah, but simply because He provided great, free food. They hear His rebuke and seem to want to understand.

32 Jesus then said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. 33 For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." 34 They said to him, "Sir, give us this bread always."

Still more earnest desire to understand. Bread of heaven?! That sounds good. What is that?!! We want that!

35 Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

Jesus Himself is the bread of heaven, the eternal sustenance. When the people believe in Jesus, they won't need signs or healing or miraculous provisions of food. He's not there to provide them with felt needs, but to provide them with LIFE.

41 So the Jews grumbled about him, because he said, "I am the bread that came down from heaven." 42 They said, "Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, 'I have come down from heaven'?" 43 Jesus answered them, "Do not grumble among yourselves. 44 No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day. … 47 Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. 48 I am the bread of life. 49 Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. 50 This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. 51I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh." 52 The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?"

They continue to grumble and dispute what He's saying. It makes no sense to them. It doesn't fit their paradigms. Instead of backing down, He takes it up a notch.

53 So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. … 60 When many of his disciples heard it, they said, "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?" …
66 After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. 67 So Jesus said to the Twelve, "Do you want to go away as well?" 68 Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, 69 and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."

When I finished reading this chapter, I shut off the lights and stared out the window at the night sky for a while. I understood clearly what the Spirit was communicating to me. God has worked miraculously in my life many, many times. Incredibly. Abundantly. I recounted some of it in the introduction of my first book. But for a few years now, I've felt a bit in the desert. I've identified more with Habakkuk than the feeding of the 5000. I've felt more like Hagar and less like Ruth (and that does not reflect at all on my loving husband – just fyi). I resonate more with the Psalms of lament than the Psalms of thanksgiving. And I've waited and waited on God to move like He used to. I KNOW He heals the sick. I've seen Him heal the sick. Yet He's allowed me to live for four years with chronic pain. I KNOW He changes hearts. I've watched Him change hearts. Yet I've waited for years for loved ones to repent and repair with those they've wronged. I KNOW He provides. I've seen Him provide. Yet I now watch friends file bankruptcy and lose homes.

The Spirit whispers, “It's time, Wendy. It's time for a faith that isn't tied to what God will physically do for you or those you love.” Habakkuk had an incredible faith, yet His articulation of it in Habakkuk 3 threatens me more than it inspires me. But it's when the barns are empty and the crops fail that we become desperate. And desperation is what pushes us to feed on Jesus alone. Pure desperation. Things are critical. I'm at my last resort. I'm out of options. The things I used to rely on (often without even realizing it) are shown to be completely ineffective. But I don't walk away. Where else would I go?! I know in that moment who has the words of LIFE, and I desperately want LIFE.

Jesus may be done with exciting provisions in my life. Maybe not, and I will receive them with great thanksgiving if they come again. They were so helpful to my early faith when they did come, and I am grateful for His miraculous past provision even as I receive this season of quiet from His hand moving on my behalf. This season, it's not about His hand. It's about His face. It's not about feasting on His physical provision. It's about feasting on His spiritual provision at a whole new level. I'm understanding faith in a new and different way. It doesn't make faith during amazing provision any less real, but it's different now. And there is something precious in the difference. I don't worship Him because He provides. I worship Him because there is NO ONE and NOTHING ELSE. As Jesus said,

63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.

I echo with Peter, “Where else would I go? You have the words of eternal life. You are the Holy One of God. I believe."

A Habakkuk 3 Kind of Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

Habakkuk 3
17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
   nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
   and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
   and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the deer’s;
   he makes me tread on my high places.

Holidays can be the hardest times of the year. One friend recently recounted leaving a church service at Thanksgiving because he just couldn't put up with everyone's thankful testimonies when so much was going wrong in his life. Thanksgiving became a catalyst for his crisis of faith. He's emerged from that season, praise God. But I heard him clearly. When you are hurting, American Thanksgiving in conservative Christian culture can be salt on an open wound.

I have a lot of friends who are hurting right now. Financial crises. Spiritual crises. Physical crises. Children walking away from the Lord. Spouses walking away from the Lord. It's a Habakkuk 3 kind of Thanksgiving.

I thank God for including Habakkuk 3 in His inspired Word to us. He's preserved these words, written in an altogether different time and culture. They were words of faith in a barren wasteland when they were first written. And despite the very different political and economic circumstances we face today as 21st century believers, they are words of faith in a barren wasteland for us too.

Words of faith in a barren wasteland. The fig trees aren't blossoming. In fact, there's no fruit on any trees. No field is producing anything. And as if that's not enough, the animals aren't producing either. The stalls are empty. The flocks are cut off. It's barren. The sheer number of things that have gone wrong are evidence not of coincidence. No, we are too familiar with the abilities of our sovereign God to believe this many things going wrong at once is just chance. And THAT escalates our crises of faith. God, have You turned away from me? I'm following You. I love You. I'm serving You. Where ARE You?!

For us in the barren wasteland asking where God is, He answers us from Habakkuk 3. I am here, child. I am here in my Word, communicating to you that you are not the first of my children to spend extended time in the wasteland. You are not alone. And as Habakkuk found me in the wasteland, I am here for you too. There is still joy to be had in me. Take it! Take joy from Me. In Me. I am still, even in the barren wasteland, offering My strength to you. I will make you graceful like a deer in this awful season, standing firm in treacherous places.

Jobs come, and jobs go. Fig trees blossom. Fig trees die. Loved ones grow in faith. Loved ones walk away. But God is transcendent. And we really do, even in the wasteland, have something for which to be very, very thankful. I tell it to myself often--as bad as your circumstances seem on this day, God has not left you as an orphan. He knows where you are, and He has met you there in His Word. Take this day the joy that He freely offers you in Him.

Women Saved Through Childbearing?!

2011-11-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

Last week I posted a short encouragement to moms of infants and toddlers. I average 200 or so visitors to the blog daily. I've had a few times on this blog that daily visitors have spiked over 1000. The Gospel Coalition has picked up a few of my posts. I posted a few articles on Desiring God, and hits to the blog spiked then too. But after the post for moms of infants and toddlers, no major source picked up the blog article. Even so, hits to my blog were at an all-time high. Over 450 (*now it's 500) individuals shared the article on Facebook—most definitely an all-time high for this blog. I pondered all of this. No major evangelical outlets picked up this article. It didn't stand out to them, and I respect that. Yet, for the moms in the trenches, it struck a major nerve.

Moms in the trenches—now there's a demographic. You're not the soccer moms. More the spit-up moms. The poop moms. The keep-them-from-swallowing-poison-today moms. Raising these little ones has exposed in us something raw and needy. Childbearing. Child rearing. It is not for the faint of heart.

A few years ago, I sat through a Mother's Day sermon that made me cringe at the onset. The pastor announced his passage, and I wanted to walk out. It was 1 Timothy 2:15.

“Yet she will be saved through childbearing--if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.“

Come on, Pastor?! Don't you know better than to go there?!! Paul sounds like such a sexist there. And, yet, on this particular Sunday, the message ended up being a real encouragement to me. I finally got the point of Paul’s words. I’m sure it helped that I was the mother of 2 young boys stuck in the trenches. As I listened to the pastor’s explanation in light of my own experiences as a young, naïve, but earnest mother, the Spirit made some things clear to me from this passage.

I grew up thinking the term “saved” referred simply to that one point in time in which I walked down the isle of my church, repented of my sins, and publicly professed belief in Christ. That was “getting saved”. Once I “got saved”, that term had served its purpose in my life, and I needed to focus on other Christian obligations. As an adult, I’ve come to understand the broader way the Scripture uses the term salvation. Salvation is a process that follows me from the day I first understand my need for Jesus Christ (or more accurately, from before time began) until I sit at the Marriage Feast in heaven as the Bride of Christ. Scripture uses the terms justification, sanctification, and glorification to define this process. I was saved (justification). I am being saved (sanctification). And I will be saved (glorification).

The term saved encompasses our redemption from sin and reconciliation to God. The entire process is by God’s free grace through faith in Jesus Christ. It begins with justification—God opens my eyes to my need for Him, and I repent of my sin and place my faith in Jesus. God declares me righteous through Christ’s payment for sin on the cross, switching Christ’s perfection to my account and my sin to Christ’s account. But then I wake up the next morning, and I still struggle, quite consistently, with sin. This leads to sanctification—where slowly over time God roots out our sin and conforms us more and more to the image of Jesus Christ. It’s becoming in reality what God has already declared us to be in heaven—i. e. perfectly righteous. Glorification is the end—in heaven, God will present us to Jesus at the Marriage Feast in beauty and perfection. We will finally be in reality a Bride worthy of the Lamb.

But here I am now, a 40 something mother of 2 young boys, stuck right in the middle. I am justified—God has declared me righteous in heaven. I am reconciled to Him through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. But I’m still a sinner. In the midst of that, I begin the process of bearing (the Greek here indicates bringing into existence, forming, becoming, developing) children. For me, this process began years ago when I was a single woman who thought I may never get married and have kids. God was sanctifying me back then through my fear of never bearing children. One older single friend gave testimony to me of the great spiritual struggle she had to say goodbye to the children she would never bear. God rooted out much fear and wrong thinking in her life through that struggle. During the mother’s day sermon in question, the pastor made the point that single and infertile women shouldn’t feel excluded from I Tim. 2:15, because God still uses the issue of childbearing in their lives for their sanctification. I have heard from many women who struggle because they are unable to bear children. They too give testimony that God has used the issue of childbearing to sanctify them much.

Once I did get married, we got pregnant easily, miscarried, and then had problems getting pregnant again. Again, well before I ever physically bore a child, God was using the bearing of children to reveal to me my fears and unbelief. Then finally I had my beautiful boys. They daily bring me great joy. And God uses them daily to reveal to me my great sin. Before I got married, I had no idea how selfish and self-oriented I was. In marriage, I began to see it a little bit. But now, I am bombarded 100 times a day with the need to die to myself. I had NO IDEA I was so alive to myself in the first place. I’m also becoming increasingly aware of how little I trust God. It’s one thing to trust Him with my own safety. Another thing to trust Him with my grown husband. But to trust Him with my vulnerable, little boys?! God once again is rooting out my wrong views of His character and replacing them with the truth of His trustworthiness from His Word.

So, yes, I am being saved—redeemed from sin and conformed to His image—through the bearing, development, and formation of these boys. I realize that for the rest of my life, I will be the mother of these 2 boys. And for the rest of my life, God will use them to test my faith and reveal my wrong thinking, lack of trust, pride, and selfishness. This is my marathon, which is why Paul warned of the need for perseverance in I Timothy 2. God will use them to root out sin, but then He’ll replace it with the righteousness of Christ as He conforms me to His image. To the praise of His glorious grace.

2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

When Good Men Do Nothing

2011-11-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Edmund Burke

It's been painful to watch the fallout of the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. The subject has inspired numerous Christian blog posts. One of the best I have read is from a Penn State Campus Crusade for Christ staffer. You can read it here. Probably enough has been said, yet unraveling the answer to the question of what causes good men and women to do nothing at times in the face of evil seems important to me.

I love football and have respected Joe Paterno as a coach over the years. It saddens me to see his incredible career end in such a way. What saddens me most is that I think, in terms of character, Joe Paterno is a respectable man. Yet, this respectable man allowed a very bad thing to go on under his nose. And not just him – there's a whole slew of men who should have known better who allowed the worst kind of abuse of a minor to happen on their watch. They closed their ears and turned away. How did that happen?!

Some have expressed concern about how Paterno and others have been treated in the wake of the allegations. I think this stems in part from the disturbing idea for many of us that we might have reacted exactly the same way. We too might have wrestled for days over what to report to higher ups and how to paint what we did report. We too might have let it go after doing the bare minimum needed to ease our conscience. I could easily see myself at certain stages of my life numbing my conscience on the issue with words like “Well, I reported it to my authority. I did what was required of me. I can't help it if they don't do more. I've done my responsibility.”

Penn State's football program is legendary. Joe Paterno ran a tight ship. The men in charge of that program--Athletic Director, Coach, Offensive Coordinator, Defensive Coordinator, and so forth--were respected and revered. They were obeyed. It was not unlike authoritarian church and ministry structures with which I have been involved over the years. In those systems, the good guys are the ones who respect authority. They buck it up and contribute even when they dislike an order. Respect, cooperation, and obedience to your superiors are fundamental to the entire system. I have empathy for the young graduate assistant who first witnessed his boss raping a minor in the locker room. I'm sure he was shocked and horrified. What do you do when your authority in this authoritarian system is the one doing this act? The GA didn't intervene. And I fear that when I was his age, I may not have intervened either. At least not immediately. Now 41 years old and the mother of children myself, no one could stop me if I witnessed that today. But back then, I valued respect of authority so much that I fear I would have been paralyzed in the moment, to my life long regret.

The graduate assistant finally told his dad, and his dad helped him tell Coach Paterno. Both seemed to meet their minimum legal requirement. Yet neither stopped the cycle of abuse that continued for several more years. Why? The Campus Crusade pastor points out in his article the deficiency of love for the victim. That is the fundamental, root issue. But a secondary issue is that they all thought they had more to lose by standing up strongly for the victims than they did by protecting the program. Obviously, they were very, very wrong and have lost much more by covering it up. The urge to stand up for a little guy none of them knew faded in the shadow of the behemoth that was the Penn State football program.

Good men do nothing a lot. Good women too. We do nothing sometimes out of self protection. But more often, I think we do nothing because we value protecting authoritarian systems more than we do standing up for the victim. I've experienced this before in various Christian ministries—a leader with authority does wrong. But the reputation of the institution and those associated with it seems more important than seeking justice for the one abused or oppressed. I could write out a long list of names of good men and women I know personally, men and women of proven character and good reputation, who did not stand up for victims and instead protected a program or ministry. I've done it myself at times. Rocking the boat didn't seem a Christian virtue in that moment.

Though good church people often value submission to authority over advocacy for the oppressed, God is clear on what we need to do with abusive authority.

Isaiah 1:17
17learn to do good;
seek justice,
   correct oppression;
bring justice to the fatherless,
   plead the widow’s cause.

Psalm 82:3
Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
   maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.

Psalm 10:18
to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
   so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Proverbs 31:9
Open your mouth, judge righteously,
    defend the rights of the poor and needy.

God calls us to step up for the poor and defenseless. Be aware of our propensity to turn away and hear clearly God's command to engage. And if you have been silent or turned away, humble yourself and make it right. If the gospel is truly our foundation in Christian ministry, we have hope for redemption and transformation when we choose humble responses that seek to correct our mistakes. Humble repentance, not defensiveness, is the absolute key to dealing with past failures, and meditation on God's strong admonition to do justice for the oppressed is key for the future.

Give US Grace – parenting advice for moms of infants and toddlers

2011-11-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned my mom's group Bible study before. We are studying through Give Them Grace and enjoying the discussion very much. We have a number of mothers of very young kids with a few moms of older, school age kids. Give Them Grace has been such a convicting, encouraging study for me, mother of a kindergartner and 1st grader. My boys can express themselves and understand me. They are starting to process the gospel, and I praise God we are at that stage.

However, I've been trying to implement grace-based parenting ideas for several years. I wish someone had told me years ago that the person that most needed grace in those early years with infants and toddlers was MYSELF. The baby and toddler years are TOUGH. They are very different from the early school years, though they too have their struggles. The toddler years are crazy, and we need different expectations of our parenting in those early years.

I was at peace for the first few months with a newborn—I knew those first months would be dominated by feeding issues and trying to get my child on a schedule. But I didn't realize that the survival mode I was in in those early months would actually go on for years. I thought I should be progressing faster than I was. Part of my problem was that I had a number of friends with similarly aged daughters who communicated much faster with their mom than my boys did with me. The other problem was that my little ones did not take in a new environment by observation, but by exploration. I've noticed some little ones who hang back and observe in new environments. But my boys walked in a room, noticed a door, and start opening it and shutting it to figure out the hinges. How does that outlet work? What's a fire alarm? How does this thing I've never seen before taste? It was pure survival in our home for a good 4 years. Sure there was nurturing. There was training, correcting, and management. But the overarching theme of it all was simply SURVIVAL.

As a mom finally out of that stage, I recognize the symptoms in my sisters in Christ right in the middle of it. Stress in our marriages. Stress in our friendships. And so much stress just in our heads and hearts. In light of all that, I have a few points of advice I wish someone had shared with me.

1) Preach the gospel to yourself. You will not survive this stage without meditation on all God has said over you in Christ. Chances are your figure at this stage isn't going to help your identity. Your homemaking skills aren't going to help your identity. If you are relying on your external successes at this stage of life to give you meaning, you are sunk. But let this time, when you can not keep up a facade, reveal your true heart, and then turn to God in that desperation. He has a good plan for your life, and part of that good plan are these years of simple survival nurturing your young children.

2) READ YOUR BIBLE. I talked in my last post about this. God promises supernatural strength through His Word, and you KNOW right now you need supernatural strength. You may only have 5 minutes (even if you have more time, you likely don't have the brain power to process more than that). The Psalms bring me so much comfort at stressful seasons of life, primarily because the majority of the Psalms were written during stressful seasons in the Psalmist's life. His cries to God echo mine in the stress of life, and God's answers to him always encourage me.

3) Don't let women at other stages of life pressure you with expectations of what you can accomplish at this stage. When your children are little, forget color coordinated meals. It's ok if there's laundry in the basket or your bathroom needs cleaning. If you have a choice between doing dishes and taking a nap, use paper plates and take the nap. Rest helps so much with the stress of life at this stage. You will be better able to nurture your children and keep them safe if you've had a nap.

Eventually, you'll emerge from this stage. Your children will start communicating with you. They will reach a point developmentally where you can start communicating the essence of gospel grace to them. But you'll never communicate it to them until you first get it for yourself. And the early years with infants and toddlers, as we are stripped of our abilities to do for ourselves what we once easily did, are a prime time for us to understand God's grace to us more deeply than we ever have before.

There is no coasting in this walk of faith.

2011-11-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

God refuses to let me coast in this Christian journey.

coast (verb)
--to continue to move or advance after effort has ceased; keep going on acquired momentum;
--to advance or proceed with little or no effort … (dictionary.com)

Yep. I can't coast. I like to get momentum and then keep going after effort has ceased. I like to advance with little or no effort. I really do. But it doesn't work that way for me in the Christian life. I TRY to coast. Often after particularly fruitful times, I try to keep up momentum without doing any work. I get distracted from reading my Bible. I may still pray as I go, but I don't stop and cry out to God on my knees. But my walk with God just doesn't work that way.

I'm utterly dependent on Him day by day. My sister says that if she doesn't get time alone with God on any given morning, we really don't want to be around her that day. I'm learning the same about myself.

I read this quote on a friend's Facebook page.

“No amount of activity in the King’s service will make up for neglect of the King Himself.” –R.M. M’Cheyne

That quote has me pegged, and the author is exactly right. But it is so easy to fall in the ministry trap—where you are talking to others about Christian things so much that you forget your personal relationship with Christ. You talk more ABOUT Christ than TO Christ. I thank God He doesn't let me get away with that for long. I thank Him because HE is my inheritance. God is the gospel, and that personal relationship with Him is the culmination of all the good that Christ accomplished for me on the cross. When I try to feast on Christian things instead of Christ Himself, I wither up and die.

I never excelled at 30 minute morning devotions, even when I didn't have kids and was in Christian environments that pressured me to do them. I just am not very self disciplined. But there is nothing like utter desperation to get you doing something you've never been able to do with simple self discipline. I now keep a New Testament with Psalms along with a highlighter and magnifying bookmark (because I'm getting that old) next to my reading chair and laptop. I don't get 30 minutes to read/pray. But I take 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there. I'm just reading the Psalms right now, because that's about all my desperate heart can process. I envision one day reading a book of the Bible and researching it thoroughly again. I want to write a study on I Peter. But for right now, I'm just clinging to the Psalms, comforted immensely that someone else has struggled with heavy burdens and that God saw fit to record their cries in His written word as they lived out their relationship with God.

It's so easy to get distracted from Christ by Christian things. But the walk of faith just doesn't work that way. The culmination of the cross is that the veil is torn that separated us from the throne of God. Christ cried out in that moment, “It is finished!” And He had done all that He came to do when He opened the way for us to have free access to God Himself. This access to God is the heart of the gospel. God Himself is the gift. God is the gospel, and may we all remember we will wither in ministry for Him without availing ourselves of this relationship Christ has secured for us.

Psalms 73
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Performance Evaluations and Sanctification by Grace

2011-11-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

The topic of performance evaluations in Christian ministries came up on a website I sometimes read. A robust discussion ensued, and I've been thinking about the topic ever since. Occasionally, I feel the need to give some disclaimers about myself, and this post is one of those occasions. First, I am nobody and have no authority. I am literally writing this in my pajamas. Second, I call this blog a lecture to myself. Others are welcome to read and interact, but I don't write this to lecture you. Just me. If something is helpful to you or makes you think, that's awesome. With all those disclaimers said, I'm going to give my thoughts on the topic. I think the principles apply well beyond the topic of performance evaluations, so maybe the discussion here will be more relevant to readers than the topic at first seems.

The discussion on performance evaluations in Christian ministry reminded me how easy it is for our theology and our practice to diverge from one another. That was the point of my first book, Practical Theology for Women. What we believe about God and the gospel has to mean something in our daily practices. And I submit that it has to mean something on the topic of rating the effectiveness of staff and leaders in Christian ministries.

The second thing that came to mind in the discussion on performance evaluations is how important it is that we never assume the gospel. I did that some in my first book – assumed that the readers knew the gospel. Life experience between my first book and my second book taught me otherwise, and the Ephesians Bible study, though every bit as practical as my first book, is saturated with the gospel from beginning to end (as Paul himself does in the book of Ephesians). As we take communion each Sunday, my pastor reminds the congregation of the necessity of this review of the gospel. We are by nature suspicious of grace. We don't really believe that gospel grace changes people. We will default to law and performance every time apart from regular meditation on the truth of the gospel, and Scripture is full of examples of this very thing.

The third thing that came to mind when thinking about performance evaluations is that Christ didn't seem to use them with His disciples. At least He didn't use them to decide who He'd disciple or who He'd promote. Of all the disciples who actively hurt Jesus' ministry, Peter had to be at the top. Yet, after Peter cuts off a soldier's ear and then DENIES Jesus three times, Jesus' next interaction with Peter is to reaffirm that God will build His church on Peter. Peter would have failed his performance evaluation in every way, yet God gives him the greatest task of all – “feed my sheep.” Jesus deliberately set up discipleship methods that were the exact opposite of the world. His discipleship tactics do not fit secular business models.

I think the important theological issue at hand is sanctification and how it applies to rating the effectiveness of someone and then what to do without them after assessing them. Theological positions on sanctification seem to fall into 3 categories. Sanctification by works, sanctification by a mix of works and grace, and sanctification by grace. I grew up in a Christian environment that didn't use those terms but practically believed in sanctification by works. We were saved by grace and no works of our own. But then, because God had done so much for us on the cross, it was our job to obey and be righteous. There was great guilt heaped on those who fell or made mistakes, and they were easily discarded, deemed unworthy of further discipleship. Why waste time on someone just sucking up resources?

In my 20's, I started attending a reformed church that taught sanctification by grace, where the only work on my part was cooperation with the Spirit and even that was empowered by God. That was transforming for me. I can't put into words how beautiful it was to understand that God took the responsibility for my daily transformation as much as He did my first moment of regeneration.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
—2 Corinthians 3:18

I don't lay back passively as God makes me righteous. Yet, I'm not the first cause of my righteousness or obedience either. God moves in and for me, equipping me to be and do something I could never muster up on my own. Consider how the Scripture speaks of this concept:

Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am the LORD your God. Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the LORD, who makes you holy. (Lev. 20)

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. (Phil. 2) 

In Leviticus 20, we’re commanded to be holy (sanctified or set apart for God’s purposes) because God is making us holy. In Philippians 2, we’re told to work out what God is working in. And in Ephesians, Paul instructs us to put off and put on, as we are being renewed (passive voice) by the Spirit. The Holy Spirit is working in and with me, so that I show outwardly what He is changing in me. Any righteousness we exhibit outwardly is a result of our inner relationship with the Spirit. You can’t separate the two, and God is the first cause.

Now apply this all to the idea of performance evaluations. Obviously, there is no value in self-delusion over our faults. I've been evaluated at times, and it can be helpful. The evaluations that were helpful, by the way, were OBJECTIVE, not subjective opinions by my employer or boss. If we've evaluated someone using objective, quantifiable measurements, what do we do if we find them lacking? We need to distinguish between moral failings and weakness in giftings or talent. And if Christ is our model, we don't write them off for either. If we are discipling them, we must offer them the HOPE of the gospel for their daily transformation. Your moral failings are real, but they don't define you! Christ has paid for this on the cross. Put off the old, lean into Him for the renewing of your mind, and put on new ways that reflect His image in your life. And if you aren't particularly talented, that's OK too. God is clear that He uses the weak things of the world to confound the mighty. It's His modus operandi. However we respond to poor performers, the gospel calls us to something other than writing them off for their past performance. We can't use the world's business models to dictate how we evaluate and promote or demote staff in Christian ministries.

The gospel changes EVERYTHING. It's not a footnote or addendum to Christian ministry. It is relevant when we are loving/respecting our husbands, it is relevant when we are parenting our children, and that same gospel is relevant when we are evaluating our staff.

Self-delusion Verses Self-condemnation

2011-10-20T16:18:00.000-07:00

“The greatest enemy of the spiritual life is self-rejection BECAUSE it contradicts the Voice that calls you Beloved.” –Henri Nouwin

I've referred to this Nouwin quote before. It's poignant to me again today as I contemplate the opposite manifestations of a single theological problem. The manifestations are self-delusion and self-condemnation. The first characterizes us when we excuse our sin or talk ourselves out of it. Our view of ourselves and our God can't handle an honest assessment of our problems. We “can't handle the truth,” as Jack Nicholson famously says in A Few Good Men. So we blame shift and manipulate others' perception of ourselves. We manipulate our own personal perception of ourself as well. Then the day comes when we can no longer escape it. Maybe we took our anger out on our kid one time too many, and he gives us the finger as he walks out the door. Or we lost our job because our addiction to pain killers resulted in an undeniable lack in judgement. Or our husband walks out the door because we finally pushed him too far.

Those moments, when we wake up to our sin and its consequences in the lives of the ones we love, can be devastating. I have at times kicked myself over and over again at the realization of my sin and mistakes. It's self-flaggelation. I hate myself, but punishing myself brings NO relief. And it's just as bad for those around me as self-delusion. Self-delusion and self-condemnation are two sides of the same coin. Either way, I can't handle the truth, or what I believe is the truth about myself. Either way, those around me are affected by my sin and unbelief.

I'm convinced that our identity in Christ is the crux of our problems. We are not confident in what God has said over us, so we can't handle real self-examination. I have to be right, or good, or helpful. **I** do, because apart from me giving myself my identity, nobody's going to do it for me. Oh, how false and unhelpful! One of my favorite chapters in Scripture that clears it all up for me is Romans 8.

It starts off with a bang. “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1). None. At all.

Condemn – to express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure. (dictionary.com)

God does not disapprove of me. He doesn't censure me or express unfavorable opinions of me. Why? Because He laid that all on Christ. And He in turn laid all of Christ on me. He sees me wearing Christ's righteousness, and Christ stands before Him daily as my advocate, showing His wounds that give me this privilege. And it is THIS privilege that allows me to face my sin and deal with it.

Do you have sin you need to face? I encourage you to read through Romans 8. First face the truth of all God says over you in Christ. I love the section headings of the chapter in the ESV– heirs with Christ, future glory, and everlasting love. Then after meditating on it and owning first the truth of God's love for you and His good plan for you through Christ, own your sin. You did it. It hurt others. Repent. Ask forgiveness of those you wounded. And repeat as necessary. Your sin doesn't define you. Christ defines you. And in Him, you can face your sin without either self-delusion or self-condemnation.

1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. 3 For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Heirs with Christ

12 So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Future Glory

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

God’s Everlasting Love

31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,

"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Math and Theology

2011-10-16T13:08:00.000-07:00

"Mathematics is the language with which God wrote the universe." Galileo Galilei

Every now and then, I write on something that is very personal to me that may not be important to readers of this blog. I wrote about my love for marine mammals last year, and I got the most unsubscription notices ever for the blog. I work on not allowing my identity to be tied to the approval or disapproval I get from readers of this blog, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle. I have another post I want to write on whales, but I've decided to keep that one to myself. I've had similar fears about posting on math.

This week a student who loves God but struggled with math wrote me wondering what in the world I meant when I linked math and theology. So this is a word of encouragement to her and others on the value of sticking with it. Regardless of the value of math, not everyone will find it easy. This post is not intended to make anyone feel bad if math is hard for them.

I know as a veteran math teacher that few people are ambivalent on math. Some people love it. But many, many people had their worst experiences in high school or college in or around a math course. I've often thought that the main problem with math classes is that they are too often taught by people who never struggled with math. When math has only ever come easy for a math teacher, it's hard to identify with a 9th grader who tears up at the site of a beginning algebra problem. The most formative moment in my training to become a math teacher came while taking a horrible course called Numerical Analysis my senior year of college. I remember sitting in my dorm, studying notes for another class. I happened to look up and catch a glimpse through the front doors of my Numerical Analysis classroom across the street. I immediately burst into tears. Just looking at the classroom caused panic. My first or second year teaching Algebra, it dawned on me that some of my students felt the exact same way about my math classroom.

For a long time, I did math because it was easier for me than, say, English. I could never figure out what English teachers wanted from me, but in math, there was a right answer to every problem. However at some point, I needed a better reason for spending my life teaching math than the fact it came relatively easy to me. I loved God. I loved His creation. Over time, I started to see how fundamental math was to uncovering and appreciating the nuances of God's very complicated creation.

Math is a symbolic representation of a real concept. 2 + 3 = 5. But really, it started out as 2 fish plus 3 fish equals 5 fish or something like that. Non-math people often hate word problems, yet word problems are the culmination of the most useful aspects of math. We take some real problem in life we want to figure out. We assign the various parts of the problem numbers and symbols. Then we drop all the words and manipulate the numbers and symbols. Voila! We reach an answer, and we can attach back to the symbolic answer it's real world meaning. That's the power of math.

In Genesis 1, God creates His perfect world and crowns it with the creation of man and woman in His image. He then gives them the great task of subduing the earth, having dominion over it. “My creation has gravity, but you can subdue it. My creation has deep oceans, but you can have dominion over them. It has wind, and you can harness it for power. It has fruit trees. You can harvest the seeds and plant them where you wish.” This simple command from God is the foundation of all that is good and right in science, physics, biology, and so forth. And every Genesis-inspired scientific discovery and advance in technology is dependent on some form of mathematics. Fruit trees are planted in parallel rows, spaced evenly apart. Rockets follow the path of a quadratic equation. Ships displace water based on their volume and shape. We take a real problem, assign it numbers and symbols, manipulate it, and discover an answer that unlocks yet another piece of God's creation for our use.

My all time favorite intersection of math and theology is chaos theory and fractal geometry. These are newer branches of mathematics that give particular insight into the wonder of the mind of God and His incredible creation. Studies in these fields involve millions of numeric calculations we'd never do by hand and have taken off in the last few decades with advances in computer science. The resulting observations point to the existence of mathematical order behind seemingly random events in the Universe. Chaos Theory actually supports, not weakens, the belief in the great Engineer Who planned the Universe and set it in motion governed by mathematical principles.

“Contrary to the connotations implied by its name, chaos theory does not eradicate the possibility of order. It does not serve to propagate notions of chaos. Chaos theory is really a science about finding organization in seemingly complex systems. It serves to find order in disorder.“
(Library.advanced.org/12170; A. Davenport, S. Kraynak, B. Timko)

Consider this simple illustration of chaos theory. It's called the Sierpinski Triangle and is an example of finding order in events that seem to be random. Draw a triangle, and pick a point anywhere outside of the triangle. Then arbitrarily pick one of the corners of the triangle (it's important that the corner chosen be completely random). Find the middle between the first point and that corner. Then mark that as the next point. Repeat this process again and again. The points you plot seem random, but if you plotted 1000 points, you’d begin to see a pattern. Eventually you’d see that all of the points fall into the pattern shown here.

You can play it and see the progression from random dots to clear pattern for yourself here.

God and theology tend to make sense when we see the natural order of creation, when things work as they should, governed by known forces of the Universe. It's the random, unpredictable events in life that cause us to question God. It's the chaos. I remember the first time I played the chaos game on that unsophisticated German website. I did it one at a time, but that took too long. Then 10 at a time, but I didn't have the patience for that one either. It was playing 100 at a time that I started to see it. I was stunned, because the spiritual implications were immediately obvious. Order out of chaos. Meaning out of random nonsense.

The Sierpinski Triangle gave me perspective on Romans 8:28.

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Ephesians 1 speaks similarly. Before time began, God had a coherent, clear plan for you and I in Christ. But life appears so random at times, so chaotic. Yet, we have been chosen and our destiny set in motion “according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will” (Eph. 1:11).

Hudson Taylor said it this way.

“Learn to think of God as the One Great Circumstance in Whom we live and move and have our being—and all other circumstances as necessarily the wisest, kindest, and best because either ordained or permitted by Him.”

Forget math. It's served its purpose in my heart now. It pointed me to God. Now I'm just in awe of His sovereignty …

Proverbs 16:33
The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the LORD.

Hugs and Affirmation

2011-10-10T13:46:00.000-07:00

I am reminded daily of the interconnected nature of my parenting and my theology. Last week, I was at my wits end trying to figure out how to discipline my younger son, who is not normally the challenging child in our family. He was having a hard week, acting out angrily and then throwing out emotionally charged language at me when disciplined – “I hate you.” “You don't want to be my mommy.” “You don't love me.” And even more disturbing – “I don't like myself.” “I don't want to be in this world.”

What in the world?! Where was he getting that stuff? The acting out was escalating, along with the emotional verbal aftermath. I brought this burden with me into our mom's group Bible study last week. As we shared our burdens for our children, one mom told how she had been intentionally affirming and hugging her problem child multiple times a day and the difference that was making in her child's attitude. I thought, could it really be that simple?! But I felt burdened afterwards that I should do the same with my son.

I knew that giving him extra hugs and affirmation at random times of the day wouldn't change how I handled his outbursts. I wasn't going to hug and affirm him if he hit his brother. But I was hoping that if I hugged him and affirmed him when he was behaving, then when the time came to discipline him when he sinned, he would receive it from me without going into his You-hate-me-and-I-hate-myself routine.

I have been giving him random hugs and affirmation—when I first see him in the morning, when I send him to school, when I pick him up from school, and when we are getting ready for bed. And something unexpected has happened. Hugs didn't help when it came time to deal with serious behavior issues. Instead, the serious behavior issues simply DISAPPEARED. Though he hasn't been a perfect kid, and we've had some issues through which to work, I can't remember him hurting his brother or needing an extended time out ALL WEEK. Perhaps all that will change this afternoon, but for the week I've been trying this, I have had NO major discipline issues with him.

I'm still stunned at the simplicity of this fix. And I'm not naïve about the probability of similar issues in the future. But today, I am contemplating how affective hugs and affirmation have been at changing his behavior. THANK YOU, Mom friend at Bible study, for giving me a tangible way to parent my child the way God parents His.

And this IS how God parents us. It was a major observation I made when writing the Ephesians Bible study. Paul starts off Ephesians with a long, beautiful discourse on God's lavish grace and unconditional love poured out on us before time began. He prays we would know the hope that comes with all God has declared over us in affirmation. And it's only after that he discusses our sin and depravity. God's affirmation of us gives us the safe place we need to face our sin and need head on. Throughout Ephesians, this truth is reinforced.

I don't know why my son had such insecurities and needed my affirmation so much. But he did. And I do too. As I hug and affirm my son, I'm reminded of the beautiful things God has said over me, and I have confidence to face my sin and need head on, for nothing can separate me from the love of my Father in heaven.

Ephesians 1
7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace 8 that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, 9 he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. 13 And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

15 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, 16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

Feasting

2011-10-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

Our church feasted this past weekend. It wasn't a potluck lunch in the church basement (though we have those regularly, and I LOVE them). It wasn't a nice catered buffet, though those are great too. No, this was a feast. It was sumptuous food prepared by a sous chef that was a friend of our pastor from seminary. When the theologian chef prepares your church feast, you are in for a treat.

The day started off with a sermon from John 2 on Jesus turning water into wine at the marriage celebration. If you have a chance to listen to the whole sermon, I recommend it. The basic idea is how Jesus chose that moment of lack to first show Himself as the Messiah, and it sets the tone for the whole of His ministry. There is no wine, and He provides not just an adequate supply to complete the weekend celebration, but the best wine they had tasted the whole time. When He fed the 5000, there were baskets and baskets left over. He stepped into moments of utter need and provided an abundance.

As I drove to the church feast later that evening (my husband graciously watching the boys so I could go unencumbered), I lifted my hands in praise to God as I meditated on the gospel. I finally put it into words to my good friend who sat by me at my table. How was I feeling about things, she asked. Well, I felt like feasting and celebrating, and not because anything in my life felt reconciled. I still have serious health issues. Raising my boys remains hard. It's tough navigating spiritual abuse in my community. None of that has changed. But I think I'm getting at a soul deep level that, no matter what unresolved conflict, wound, or longing exists in my heart, the gospel always and forever makes up the difference. No lack or want or failure can separate me from the love of God. No lack or want or failure will define my life for eternity. The gospel was made for our LACK. It utterly makes up the difference. And that is great cause for rejoicing!

The first thing we did as a congregation at the feast was take communion. I relished that moment. THIS is why I am perplexed but not crushed, struck down but not destroyed. And I love that God commands us to, over and over, eat the bread and drink from the cup to REMEMBER. Remember that He has made up the distance between all that perplexes us, all that we lack, and REJOICE for our lack does not define us at any stage of life.

John 6:53-58
So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For my flesh is true food, and my blood is true drink. Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him. As the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like the bread the fathers ate and died. Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever."

On Quitting My Job

2011-09-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

I'm employed by a secular company (I still struggle a bit with complementarian stereotypes, and I am nervous about admitting that to the larger conservative evangelical culture, though I think Christian culture is settling down a bit on that topic). I taught middle and high school math back in the day. But since we moved to Seattle in 2002, I have taught math at the local community college. Since we had kids, I've only taught one or two online classes (which isn't really teaching at all with the computer program we use) because it allowed me to keep my foot in the door at the community college but stay at home with the boys with maximum flexibility.

During any given week during the last 6 years since I've had kids, if you asked me that familiar question--“What do you do?”--the true answer would be I change poopy diapers and clean macaroni off the walls. But the answer I always gave was, “I teach math at the community college,” despite the fact that it was about the smallest number of hours of anything I did in a given week.

Well, all that's coming to an end. I am “retiring” from the community college. And I'm nostalgic. Teaching math defined my life for a long time. I used to be really good at it. Now, I'm marginally effective, though I won't go into a discourse on the value of traditional verses online classes. My husband says I have the gift of teaching, and I have tried to steward that. I enjoyed teaching, and I enjoyed math. Watching the light come on in a student's eyes after they had struggled with a math concept has always been an amazing, rewarding moment for me. Someday, I'll write a post on the value of mathematics to theology, but for now, I'll just say that those moments when a student finally understands that math has value to their daily lives make teaching it totally worthwhile.

Teaching online classes at the community college was helpful to our family for a while. However, I'm relieved to move on in one sense. It's been a distraction from things that now are much more important to me. In another sense though, I'm sad, fighting the concern I think most moms have that their lives will get swallowed up in the meaningless practical daily tasks of raising kids, being a wife, and keeping a home. Yes, I said meaningless. Because sometimes no matter how many times someone tries to paint it as beautiful and valuable, cleaning up ravioli off the floor just seems meaningless.

I struggle like everyone else. WHAT WILL DEFINE MY LIFE?! And answering “I teach college math” when someone asks “What do you do?” has at times been a bandaid over a deeper struggle. I feel overwhelmed by the gushing river of responsibilities that is my home and ineffective at my attempts to manage it. And I so often feel GUILTY.

I don't feel guilty because I DON'T value what I do in my home or don't see raising my boys and loving my husband as my first priority tasks, but because I DO. I don't need lectures on my home as my ministry. I know how important this job is. And that's what makes it so painful when I fail. My husband thinks I'm a good mom, and that has helped me tremendously, but more often than not, I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, running as fast as I can, just to not lose track of all the good moms I'm trailing so far behind.

But, boy howdy, I can teach math!! I need to be good AT SOMETHING. And when I applied myself to teaching math, I seemed a lot better at that than cooking meals, cleaning house, or raising boys.

Teaching was a cool thing over the years because the rewards came a lot quicker. You had high school kids for 9 months (or college students for just 11 weeks). My objectives were completed quickly, and once I turned in grades each quarter for a batch of students, my obligation to them was done. I could watch them walk out of my classroom with satisfaction knowing I had met my personal objectives with them. Not so with husband and kids. I talked about the long term nature of our investment in our family here, and that seemed to resonate with a lot of you. Raising kids takes multiple decades. Marriage is for a lifetime. It's not a sprint. It's a long, hard marathon.

I had a conversation with a friend recently about motherhood. She and I have similar mental battles. While lots of women struggle with pride in their homes, both she and I struggle with self condemnation—certain that our children will one day, instead of rising up and calling us blessed, will call us something else, possibly unfit for publication. She said her adult child regularly tells her now that she IS a good mom and seems to genuinely love and appreciate her, and yet my friend STILL struggles with self-condemnation for mistakes she made as a young mother.

It's not logical. But it is real in her heart. And for her and I, no amount of external affirmation can fill us in that place deep in our psyche that whispers, “Failure!” to us over and over again. Only Christ can meet us there, and only a full and robust understanding of the gospel upon which we regularly meditate and practically apply can meet us in this need.

*I am made in the image of God.

*I am a sinner marred by the fall who is being conformed back to the image of Christ through His sacrifice on the cross.

*God hasn't just forgiven me for my sins and failures, though He most certainly has done that! But He has also lavished on me His grace, clothing me in Christ's robe of righteousness. He sees me through Christ's sacrifice, and I never appear inadequate to Him in that robe.

*My home is now, as my teaching was then, a place to steward my gifts for the kingdom of God. I'm a steward for King Jesus. And He will equip me for every good work to which He calls me in this season.

*His approval of me is not based on my maturity or perfection, but on Christ's maturity and His perfection. And my failures teaching my students or raising my children are TRULY covered by His sacrifice.

As I resign at the community college, I'm letting go of that last little tie I had to a time in life when I excelled (or at least when I FELT like I excelled). And I'm going to firmly live in the middle of a place where I don't excel. The good thing is that it pushes me out of my comfort zone and reminds me of the basic truths to which I must cling at every stage of life—those big, robust truths encapsulated in that little word GOSPEL.

[Disclaimer: this post is not intended to influence either for or against working moms. It's about our identity in Christ and security in Him. Period. ]

Parenting the Abnormal Child

2011-09-26T13:33:00.000-07:00

Normal is a charged term when talking about children. I actually hate the term. What IS normal?! But I'm also a mathematician, and I understand and value statistics. In a logical, mathematical sense, normal has a clear meaning. And so does abnormal.

Abnormal – not normal, average, typical, or usual; deviating from a standard: (dictionary.com)

One of my children is abnormal. He's also very smart, cute, and funny. He's gregarious and loving. There are many, many things about him that endear him to me. But he's not normal. By that, I mean that he doesn't fall into statistical means on most anything. Below average on some things; above average on others. Frankly, I don't mind having a child that doesn't fit the bell curve. Most days.

But there are certain times that I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of parenting an abnormal child. My child doesn't look abnormal, and his issues are not nearly as serious as many of you have experienced with your children. Our diagnosis is PDD-NOS. Those of you who have been through the battery of testing know exactly what that is. It's the junk drawer for children who don't fit the bell curve yet also don't fit the set of symptoms and characteristics that define someone, say, on the Asperger's spectrum. Our big issue is how my savant deals with new social situations. One of my children will walk into a room, evaluate it, and join right in with whatever is going on. One day, his easy conformity to the social norm is going to be a big problem. But when he's 5, it's helpful. My other son, in contrast, is doing his own thing before he walks in and will keep doing his own once he's there. He's aware of what's going on inside of himself, but he is oblivious to how his actions affect others. And he hates change, especially change forced on him so he fits into a group.

At the beginning of the month, we moved. On the first day of school. Bad timing, Mom!! I was stressed moving, glad enough to drop the boys off at school and hurry on to my major To Do list for the day. Immediately, the troubles began. My child felt out of control, didn't know how to navigate his new social setting, and his attempts to regain control and power were very destructive. Pinching kids, pushing kids, passionate melt downs at church, school, and play. There were problems EVERYWHERE EVERYDAY. I felt like I had post traumatic stress disorder at the end of each day.

Paul Miller recounts raising an autistic daughter in The Praying Life, and the Lord ministered great grace to me as I read through his struggles. The stories of her meltdowns struck a nerve with me, though our family's struggles are not nearly so intense. My primary take away from the book was Miller's statement that he did his best parenting on his knees. Of late, there have been many days that my best practical efforts to prepare my children and myself for whatever situation we faced failed in a puddle of great negative passion. In those moments, all that is left is prayer. There remains no naïve notion that I have it together enough to navigate the minefield of parenting. In fact, I am absolutely certain that I do not!

So I prayed to God privately. And I prayed to God with my son. And the Spirit reminded me that God parents me through relationship and that I need to parent my son through relationship. So he and I talked, and I realized I had to get involved with him at school. I started sticking around his classroom in the morning to figure out what was causing his outbursts. Then the teacher asked me to read with him in the hall because he was having difficulty reading silently in the classroom when others were reading aloud. After about 3 days of this, he was confidently reading the little books that he previously was throwing across the table in anger. Then he asked me to come to recess because that was where he was having the most problems with other kids. I did, and it was like Lord of the Flies. I volunteered to monitor recess a few times a week.

After a week of this, he has made a 180 degree change. The anger is gone. He seems committed to showing kids grace if they cut in front of him in line (previously quite the sore spot with him). He is proud that he defended a kid in the lunch room instead of being the one who hurt him. I'm still a little stunned at the turn around.

I know where I was last week, though. I remember clearly staring at a bunch of kids practicing soccer at the playground and wondering, in a PTSD stupor after a particularly traumatizing outburst by my child at karate practice, what it would be like to have normal kids? All I could do was lean into my relationship with God through prayer. And then the Spirit pushed me to lean into my son through relationship as well. The contrast between my relationship with my son last week and this week is staggering.

Not all problems resolve that easily. And I know that some that seem resolved will resurface. I'm simply reminded by yet another round of parenting trials that it is on my knees that God parents me and that I can in turn best parent my own child, even one who does not fit society's norms.

A Theology of Spiritual Abuse

2011-09-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure theology is the right term. I'm not sure spiritual abuse is the right term. But there is something big rocking conservative evangelicalism right now, and it centers around the abuse of authority by leaders in the Church. I know there is “nothing new under the sun” (Ecc. 1:9), and a cursory look at Church history confirms that to be true, especially on the issue of spiritual abuse. So whatever name we want to give to the abuse/oppression/injustice we see in the 21st century Church carried out by its spiritual leaders, I want to understand the transcendent principles at play according to Scripture. For lack of a better phrase, I'm going to call it a theology of spiritual abuse.

In its most basic sense, abuse simply means to misuse. It's using something inappropriately. And in the spiritual sense, it is using an authority, role, or task given by God in unrighteous ways. It is mis-using spiritual authority . Can non-authorities in the Church abuse spiritually? I guess so. They certainly can hurt people. But I'm going to leave out of this discussion inappropriate actions by Christians without particular spiritual authority. So if your sister was a legalistic jerk to you, that's not relevant to this particular discussion because Scripture does not set her up as an authority over you. Parents can certainly spiritually abuse, but I'm going to save them for another day as well. Instead, I want to examine non-familial spiritual authorities – in particular, pastors and elders.

(Edited to note I am NOT talking about issues of sexual or physical abuse by clergy. While that is certainly spiritual abuse, it is also blatantly illegal activity that puts it into an entirely different category in terms of response. For the purposes of this post, I am talking about the misuse of spiritual authority that does not get into illegal behavior.)

What is the appropriate authority given pastors and elders in the life of a believer? What do we do when pastors/elders MIS-use this authority, spiritually abusing those God gave them to lovingly shepherd?

Hebrews 13 gives some insight on the first question.

7 Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. 9 Do not be led away by diverse and strange teachings, for it is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace, not by foods, which have not benefited those devoted to them. ...
17 Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.

God gives us an important word here. Our spiritual leaders have sober obligations: accurately speaking the Word to us, modeling a life of faith, and shepherding and keeping watch for those under their leadership. And they are ACCOUNTABLE to God. Any leader worth his salt takes this seriously.

God is going to hold them to account as He has tasked them with watching over our very souls. In light of this sober responsibility, I understand why the author of Hebrews urges us to OBEY and SUBMIT to them. In other words, cooperate with them in their God-given obligation to shepherd us. If you have any experience with spiritual abuse, you know that a very real result is a fear of ever trusting a leader with your cooperation again. And yet, God's design is for a real, accountable relationship between spiritual leader and those they shepherd. This should make us take spiritual abuse that much more seriously, for it threatens one of the most important relationships in the Body of Christ, the one between shepherd and flock.

When do these good, sober responsibilities among our leaders become abuse, or the misuse of their righteous obligations?

1) When they do not accurately speak the Word (sometimes by ignorance, sometimes by a malicious desire to manipulate the sheep)

2) When their manner of life and walk of faith does not model gospel grace and a life of Biblical love – they are rude, unkind, impatient, they have a short fuse, assume the worst of people, seem to delight in the uncovering of evil (I Corinthians 13).

Perhaps the greatest Biblical example of the misuse of spiritual authority is Peter in Galatia. Note that the central element in his abuse was his actions (manner of life) that contradicted the gospel he was teaching. He SAID the gospel, but he lived out its opposite. Note also the very clear, concrete result of this contradiction – he required something of his sheep that God did not require. He OVERSTEPPED his authority. John Stott pointed out in his commentary on Ephesians how in each authority relationship that Paul addressed, he repeatedly urged upon them “not the exercise of their power, but the restraint thereof.” When spiritual authorities start walking away from their God-given obligations, it may sometimes take the form of passivity or inertia, but in my experience it is much more likely to take the form of overreaching the limits of their authority. Beware the authority figure who loves to speak about things which God does not speak. They have an opinion about rock music, movie theaters, facebook, netflix, yoga, and teletubies. And they project onto you shame or self satisfaction based on how your opinions and convictions line up with theirs on things on which Scripture is silent.

In light of ths, what should the average lay person's response be to spiritual abuse (the mis-use of spiritual authority)?

1) Pursue biblical means of confronting authority (I Timothy 5, Matthew 18). If your church doesn't have an established means of holding authority accountable, you need to turn around, walk out the door, and don't look back. DO NOT STAY IN A CHURCH THAT DOES NOT HAVE CLEAR ACCOUNTABILITY AND LIMITS ON ITS AUTHORITY FIGURES. That's not a church. That's a group of people pretending to be a church. And personally, I am concerned about non-denominational churches that don't have a synod or presbytery to hold their leaders accountable. But that's a longer discussion for another day. It's taken me a long time after a long history in independent churches to come to that conviction, and I won't attempt to force it on others who don't share it yet. Chances are, given enough experience in independent churches, you will one day come to see the wisdom of a presbytery on your own if you don't already.

2) When authorities continue to abuse with impunity, seek to rescue the powerless from the abuse in righteous ways. In RIGHTEOUS ways. In love. With patience. Being available to those in need. Sometimes, someone in an abusive situation needs simply to know that they have options. It was easy for me to leave a spiritually abusive situation because I had enough experience to know that God was doing WAY more in His Body than what I was witnessing at the abusive church. But I've had friends who did not know that, and they were afraid if they left their abusive group, they would lose everything. In those moments, they need to understand the breadth and depth of the Body of Christ and know they have a brother/sister in Christ who will stand with them as they journey away from those who misuse their spiritual authority.

3) Most important of all, do not sell your soul to the devil. I've sold my soul to the devil, by which I mean I have given into the very urges I was reacting against. I have stood against abuse with grace at times. But I have also stood against abuse with my own mis-use of power. And I HATE myself in those moments when I have become the very thing I was standing against. I hate their rude, harsh language … using my own harsh language against them. I hate their graceless response to those who oppose them … employing my own graceless strategies to point out their flaws. When you allow yourself to employ the tactics you hate in your abusers, Satan has won the day. There is ONE answer to the ills of spiritual abuse, and it is the same answer to every ill mankind has experienced since the fall of man. It is Christ on the cross, enduring our shame and our spiritual abusers' shame. And THE THING that separates me from a spiritual abuser is a confidence in this gospel grace to change the ugliest heart of man. I don't need to abuse my authority or manipulate those I influence. And it's only when I am confident of who I am in Christ and how I got to be that person through His grace that I can fully arm myself to battle righteously the ills in the church and those who use its authority against others.

This is only a preamble to a topic deserving a long treatise ...

***For a more thorough fleshing out of this topic, please check out Tim Challies' interview with Bob Kellerman.

The Myth of the Biblical Parenting Method (and free book give away)

2011-09-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

There is a huge difference in Biblical parenting principles and Biblical parenting methods.

Method: a specific procedure, technique, or practical way of doing something.

Principle: a fundamental law or general truth from which others are derived and determined.

Methods are drawn from understanding and applying principles. In terms of Biblical parenting, I and my friends are longing for methods. We are longing for someone to tell us the tangible, practical techniques that will aid us in rearing our children in Christ and the Word. My mom's group Bible study is looking for a PRACTICAL study on Biblical parenting. Readers of this blog ask me regularly for PRACTICAL techniques they can use with their kids. And I long for it myself – someone please hand me a grace-based, gospel-centered MANUAL of methods. Enough with the principles. Enough with inspiring me to parent my children the way God parents His in light of the gospel. I've got it. I understand the principles. Now tell me what to do when my 5 year old son decides to relieve himself on the back of my 13 year old dog at 6 am in the morning. What specific procedure, technique, or practical way of handling that fits with the fundamental truths of my Christian faith?!

As each day passes, I am becoming more and more convinced that there will never be THAT book. There will never be a practical manual of specific gospel-centered techniques for parenting our children. At least not one I can recommend to others. I've seen it tried a time or two, and it inevitably fails. I loved Shepherding a Childs Heart … until it got into specific techniques. It made great points on the Biblical principles at play, but it broke down when it got into methods, particularly on the topic of the rod. Then there is Ezzo's Babywise and the Pearl's To Train Up a Child – both heavy on method. Many would argue the Pearls' in particular is horrible, abusive method contrary to the gospel, to which I heartily agree.

In contrast, I have read many great gospel-centered parenting books, but the really good ones seem to understand that a gospel-centered approach doesn't lend itself well to specific, quantifiable methods. Examples are different than methods, by the way. A good author who understands the difference in the gospel and law guards themselves from breaking down the line between what worked for them (example) and what will work for you (method), between what they found helpful and what they project onto you that all good parents should do. Here are some books that I have found helpful with principles and overarching foundational Biblical truths.

Families Where Grace is in Place

Give Them Grace (Elyse Fitzpatrick does offer practical ideas and examples and even has a section at the end with specific words to use. Knowing the heart of man, this section runs the risk of becoming what most attempts at method have become in the Church – more law. Also, she distinguishes between believing and unbelieving children with her strategies. This will be problematic if you hold a covenant view of your children. Otherwise, this one gave me a lot to think about in terms of the Biblical difference in law and grace in my parenting and is the one we will likely use in our mom's group Bible study this quarter.)

Parenting is Your Highest Calling: And 8 Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt

Grace-Based Parenting

Instead of finding a Christian parenting book with gospel centered methods, I've had more success learning practical ideas from secular resources. Then I'm not tempted to adopt those methods as the righteous choice, as a spiritual law. When the resource is secular, I feel freedom to adopt methods for my family because they work in light of our Biblical parenting principles and no guilt at all when I discard a method that is not working for our family or does not fit our principles. There are a ton of resources on positive discipline, which is the secular buzzword in my experience that will give you the most ideas of methods that fit a truly Biblical, gospel centered paradigm for parenting.

In terms of Biblical principles, here are the big picture, overarching themes that I want to govern my parenting.

Parenting my children the way God parents His …
In light of the gospel …
That teaches there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus …
And equips us to do unto others with grace ...
Under the greatest command of loving God and loving others.

I know these principles, these truths, and I hold them dearly. My secular cooperative preschool is the place I have gotten the most helpful practical ideas that I could use in my family under these overarching principles. I listened to the parent educator and watched the teachers at work. So many of their methods fit right into my gospel-centered principles. It was positive, proactive discipline, not shame-based, reactive punishment. I chose the methods that worked for our family based on my convictions and my children's personalities. And sometimes, the same things don't work two days in a row. Methods have to be open handed things, while the Bible principles never change.

Here's my final thought on this topic. We are never going to get a set of METHODS that works for the long haul. And be very wary of teachers or other parents who try to convince you they've found some. Principles work for the long haul. Methods do not. And parenting our children the way God parents His is much more about relationship than method. I don't think God has methods and strategies for me. He has a relationship with me, and He interacts with me and disciplines me out of that relationship. Doing that with our kids as fallen parents requires wrestling with the principles in play, wrestling with our children's personalities in light of the gospel, and wrestling with our Father in heaven. Don't cop out and accept an easy answer. Stay engaged in this life long commitment called parenting and don't get frustrated that it doesn't come easy. As Paul Miller said in A Praying Life, I do my best parenting of all when I'm wrestling with God over the gospel for my children on my knees. I guess if there is any method I recommend, that's it.

**I have a free copy of Give Them Grace to give away. Please just leave a comment and I will draw a name around midnight EST Monday evening. **

***The book has a new owner now. Thanks to all who commented!***

Gospel Centered Manhood

2011-08-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have a vested interest in understanding what a gospel centered man looks like. I'm married to a man and raising two others. But even more than that, I am COMPLEMENTARIAN (a woefully inadequate term for the fullness of how the Bible speaks of gender). Despite the inadequacies of the term, when you boil it all down, my convictions from Scripture are that the husband is the head of the wife, the wife should submit to her husband, and that women can be deacons but not elders in the church. If you share those convictions, then you know how important it is for the men in your life to be truly gospel centered men. The caricature of a “real man” that masquerades as Biblical manhood in conservative evangelicalism just doesn't cut it when the rubber meets the road--when your child gets cancer, when your husband abandons you, when your own discouragement turns into clinical depression, or when you need elders to lead in gospel grace in the midst of church conflict. Those are not the moments for the manly shepherd. Those are the moments for the godly shepherd. Being manly isn't the issue. Being like Christ is.

What I say next may seem slightly offensive or controversial. But the truth needs to be stated, and as bad as it sounds, the gospel meets us in this truth and can transform us all. But not until we admit the reality of our sin. The sin I want to address is that some men with identity issues are defining Biblical masculinity for the evangelical church, and sadly we, the Church, are listening to them. These men have paved the road for emerging egalitarians. If I know one, I know 50 former complementarians who have embraced egalitarian thinking because they were spiritually, verbally, or physically abused by a man with identity issues who perverted his spiritual role in their lives.

Now, WHO AM I TO TALK ABOUT THIS?! I'm nobody. I have no authority, and no one needs to listen to me. But I am someone who at several points in my life was under the leadership of pastors with identity issues who had warped views of what it meant to be a masculine leader. Also, I have dealt long and hard with my own identity issues, especially those related to my perceptions of myself based on my physical appearance. Dealing with my personal identity issues and insecurities in the light of the gospel was the crux of my Ephesians Bible study. But I thought my insecurity based on my physical appearance was a distinctly female struggle. Then I heard a sermon on the gospel applied to our bodies given by one of our pastors a few months ago. He made this profound statement, which I transcribed and thought about.

“I grew up in a neighborhood full of boys, and the way you gained respect in my neighborhood was through physical prowess. You had to be the strongest, the most athletic, and because I was smaller, not only because I was younger but because of genetics, I was often ostracized. I was made fun of, and I remember those moments. … I at an early age decided the way I would deal with the pain is by becoming someone who is more athletic than you, smarter than you, who is better than you. That has defined my life and brought all kinds of chaos and trouble.”

He said this in a sermon on how the gospel transforms our views of our bodies. My respect for him grew as he gave testimony how the gospel changed his view of himself. His statement resonated with me and several things clicked in my head as he honestly assessed his identity issues based on his height. I had the immediate thought, “THAT EXPLAINS IT!” For both my youth and adult experience in the church have been heavily influenced by short pastors with identity issues. Unlike my pastor now, they apparently had never wrestled through how the gospel transforms their perceptions of themselves based on their genetic makeup. They adopted gospel-less coping mechanisms for dealing with it. Just as my pastor noted, they are going to be more athletic than you, smarter than you, and better than you. In my experience, they can be reasonably nice—until challenged. Then their bullying coping mechanisms rise up in irrational anger. When Napoleon runs the church, get out of the way.

That sounds harsh, doesn't it?! Yet, the gospel meets men in this reality as surely as it meets women. The first step is to acknowledge the problem. Yes, you are short (or whatever the identity issue is), and no, that doesn't define you Biblically. It makes you neither less a man or more a man. But your attempts to compensate for the way you perceive yourself are ruining you and your ministry. Perhaps your childhood made you feel humiliated. Were neighbor kids brutal? Did your father abuse you? Examine yourself. What coping mechanisms have you adopted to mask that pain and convince yourself that your physical limitations don't define you?

In my experience, verbal tirades are the big coping mechanism, closely tied to an obsessive need to protect one's authoritarian position at all cost. I remember so well the youth pastor who Let. Me. Have. It. when I had a bad attitude on a missions trip. I had rolled my eyes at something he said. Boy howdy, don't roll your eyes at Napoleon, I learned the hard way. I was reduced to tears in the back of the church van after his verbal tirade against me in front of the entire youth group. Anyone who knew me would know it only took a look of disappointment from my father to get my attention, and I NEVER got in trouble in school. But I had rolled my eyes at a man with identity issues. When a pastor is insecure with his leadership around 15 year old girls, he's got a problem.

Fast forward to today. I am a well loved wife in a church pastored by gospel centered elders. I recognize better than ever gospel centered manhood because it is lived out before me day by day. Both my husband and my father have 4 wheel drive pickup trucks, but that is irrelevant to them as Biblical men. Pick up trucks are a cultural perception of masculinity that has bled into (some segments of) the church. Biblical love, humility, and the laying down of your life in gospel grace for those who spurn you is transcendent. That's the Biblical manhood God instituted when He created man in His image, and that's the Gospel centered manhood to which, through the death of the Son of Man, He calls us back.

Women who love God, love His Word, and love complementarian values, don't be fooled by the caricature of Biblical masculinity that hides deeper heart issues among many Christian men. Practically speaking, beware men who are easily threatened by perceived challenges to their authority. Especially beware men who speak with contempt to others. If ever there was evidence of masculine identity issues, that is it. Love is not rude, Paul says in I Corinthians. And men who treat you or others with contempt in their words show a heart that is far from God. Contempt and verbal abuse are their gospel-less coping mechanisms. The fact that someone can use the terms gospel, grace, and Jesus in context does not mean they understand either the gospel, grace, or Jesus. If you wonder what Biblical manhood really is, read the gospels at face value.

May we all adopt Christ as the essence of Biblical manhood, and may our Christian evangelical leaders lovingly confront those who twist Christ to their own purposes with their identity issues. Most of all, I pray for leaders who will stand up and point these men back to the gospel of grace that meets them in their struggles with their identities. God in heaven, not height or physical prowess, defines masculine identity. And it is right and good that women note that.

Never sowing because the clouds aren't right

2011-08-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

I first wrote about this passage almost exactly 3 years ago today. It still resonates with me as deeply today as it did then.

Ecclesiastes 11
1 Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days. 2 Give a portion to seven, or even to eight, for you know not what disaster may happen on earth. 3 If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves on the earth,and if a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where the tree falls, there it will lie. 4 He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap.

5 As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.

6 In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

Cast your bread on the water. You won’t see the results for a while, but after many days, it will return to you. Give all your portions away, and then give one more portion you didn’t even know you had. The rain will come when it's going to come. The tree is going to fall where it falls. And if you stand around trying to figure out when and where, you’ll never sow your seed or reap the harvest. You cannot figure out My ways no matter how hard you try, so stop over analyzing life. Put your hand to the plow. Sow. I WILL bring harvest—in My time and My ways.

This is a poignant word from God to me. I often feel that I have given all my portions away only to find that I still need to give one more. Many days I catch myself sitting around analyzing the storm clouds in my life to the point that I never sow. And many times I despair because I haven’t yet seen the bread I cast on the water return to me.

Right now, I particularly struggle with mustering up the energy to engage at all. I don't want to sow, but I'm done watching the storm clouds too. It's just easier to ignore them altogether. Vacation was good for me, but putting my hand back to the plow has not come easily since my return. The house is too messy, the kids too undisciplined, and the laundry basket too high to talk myself into even beginning. It's easier to finish the fiction book I was reading on vacation than to step back into the chaos that is my life and actually engage.

It doesn't matter how deep the water or foreboding the clouds, says God. Stay engaged. Cast your bread and sow your seed. Sow some in the morning. Sow some in the evening. You don’t know what will prosper. Maybe one. Maybe another. Or maybe all of it will bear fruit for the kingdom. Regardless, don't get discouraged by what you don't see happening or all that you need to do. Sow your seeds one by one. Give away your portions. The bread cast away will find you again after many days.

Worshiping My Way Out of Disillusion

2011-08-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

Psalms 10:1 Why do you stand so far away, O Lord, hiding yourself in troubling times?

This is the question that has haunted me for a while. Not all day every day, for there are certainly times when love, joy, and peace shine through, as I noted in a recent post. But those moments only make the next wave of conflict, sin, and error all the more painful. Why, O Lord?! Why, among the glimpses of the beauty of what life will be like when Your reign bursts forth in its fullness, is there so much barren wasteland of sorrow and sin, oppression and injustice? God, why don't You right more wrongs? Why don't You correct more error? Why do You allow oppression? And most of all, why do You allow oppression in Your name?

These are demoralizing questions. But these are real questions. It comforts me to know the Psalmist asked the same questions all those years ago. And it comforts me even more to know that God Himself preserved those questions in His sacred Word for our instruction and encouragement today. When I am demoralized by these questions in my heart, I engage in the kind of frank conversation with God that the Psalmist models in Psalms 10. I am thankful again that God preserved the totality of that conversation and never rebukes the Psalmist for engaging God so bluntly. My conversation with God usually boils down to the defeated question – how do I keep going on when YOU seem so silent? How do I move forward in faith when You, the one who is the source of that faith, seems in hiding? How do I endure when You seem to have left the game altogether? I don't want to live lukewarmly in a sea of disillusionment. But why should I do anything else when You seem to have walked away? Really, God, why do You expect anything else from me?

BECAUSE I AM WORTHY.

That's the answer the Spirit whispers in my heart over and over again. Why do I endure when I can't find God? Because He is worthy. Why do I put one foot in front of the other when I feel like sitting down in defiance and giving it all up? Because He is worthy. I can't muster up the naïve enthusiasm that used to characterize my ministry efforts when I was younger, but neither can I give myself to the disillusionment and cynicism that threatens me. Because He is worthy.

I talked about this when I was thinking through God's counterintuitive words of comfort to Job. God is God, and He is worthy. At first, that answer may sound trite. Yet it is the least trite answer of all. It sounds simplistic, yet it's the only answer with the kind of deep profound resonance that I desperately need in those moments.

Yes, You are worthy. You are worthy of more than cynicism and disillusionment. You are worthy of more than lukewarm attempts at the bare minimum of the Christian faith. Even if You hide for the rest of my life, never allowing me again in this life to see Your dramatic movement, You are worthy.

I long for more in this life, yet God is worthy of my endurance through much less. It's the grandeur and glory of His face that gives me perspective when His hands seem silent in my life. I worship His head, not His hands, His essence, not His gifts. He is good not because He does good things to me, but because in the core essence of who He is when He is completely still and silent, He is so very good. The good gifts He gives us when He moves don't begin to compare to how incredible He is just standing still.

The Bible I Never Knew

2011-08-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying a few days in the mountains at the same family home I stayed last year. There is a Christian bookstore nearby, and last year I stopped in and received a free copy of the book of Luke. It was promoting a new translation of the Bible. I took the copy and read it the rest of my trip. It was moving to me, and I have thought long and hard about why.

First, I won't tell you what new translation it was or what denominational bookstore from which I bought it. The debates on Bible translations are ones I used to vigorously follow, especially as a fundamentalist Christian who thought the King James Version was the only Biblically faithful version. I bought into that argument big time, and remember well arguing with a polite youth leader in a friend's church I only visited one time. Poor guy. I knew my arguments well, and he had little experience on the topic. Now looking back, I realize how irresponsible, illogical, and inaccurate my arguments were Biblically. I eventually discovered the New American Standard Bible and realized with my Strong's Concordance in hand that the arguments I had grown up with about other translations were weak and often sinfully wrong. In my experience, the Word of God was maligned, not preserved, by such debates. I'm not naïve about the issues in current translation debates, and I am not against robust discussion on the topic, but I have grown to have a strong conviction from Scripture about one very important thing – I am much more confident in God's promises and ability to preserve His Word than I am in man's ability to pervert it.

Matthew 5:18 ESV
For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished.

Isaiah 40:8 ESV
The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God will stand forever.

This year, I returned to the same Christian bookstore and noticed that the entire Bible in that new version is now on sale. For $9.99, I got a decent looking New Testament with Psalms. I decided this will be my next devotional plan – read through the entire NT and Psalms in this new version with highlighter (and magnifying bookmark) in hand. I'll mark it up as I read and then put it up with my other journals and Bible studies when I'm done. I've already noted that reading the Bible for a while in another translation sharpens my understanding of the Scripture. I knew that it was often hard for a single English word or phrase to perfectly embody a Greek concept, and I regularly read a verse in this new version that adds clarity to the Scripture versions with which I am more familiar. Things pop out, and it gets my attention.

Just today, I read of John's baptism of Christ. The dove descends and the Father says from heaven that Jesus is His Son with whom He is well pleased. The slightly different wording in this new version made me stop and think exactly what God meant when He said that. He was well pleased with Jesus. I have always thought that indicated simply God's approval of Jesus. Jesus always obeyed God the Father and was the model of what God approves. But I also realized today it indicates God's joy and happiness in His Son. And that second aspect of this phrase was a blessing on which to meditate today. God found joy in His Son, and because of the great exchange of the gospel, He finds great joy in me. He was well pleased with His Son, and now, joy of joy, He is well pleased with me. And it's not by my own works of righteousness but because of Christ's righteousness credited to my account. (2 Cor. 5:21).

My personal favorite version of the Bible is the New American Standard. I mostly use the English Standard Version right now. But I'm not afraid of other versions and have found them helpful in my study of the Word. Most of all, I have great confidence in God's ability to preserve His Word. With His promises, He has taken the responsibility to protect the integrity of His revelation of Himself to us, and it is not naïve of us to trust Him to do just that.

The Present

2011-07-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

I am on vacation at the beach in South Carolina. I have looked forward to this trip for months, and everything is just as you would hope. Comfortable beach house, dolphins swimming in the water, relaxed coastal town, and time with family. Yet, just as I noted during last year's trip to the mountains, the blessings of this week easily slip through my fingers, pried away by the dueling emotions of regret over the past and fears for the future.

The present is a present. It is a gift. Sometimes, the present is painful. But many times, it is not. And those times of present peace are indeed a gift. They are gifts of God that give us a glimpse into how it will be for eternity. I had one such gift today, riding bikes with my son in the rain along a lush bike path filled with palmettos and live oaks dripping Spanish moss. That moment was a true present, a gift of God. It gave me a sense of awe as I contemplated what coastal South Carolina would be like in perfection and what the Garden of Eden was like before the fall of man.

But worry and regret tempted me away from receiving that moment as a gift. I think this is why God gives us such serious warnings against fear and worry.

Luke 12
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. ... 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. 30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

Phil. 4:6
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Life is hard. God knows that. And He knows we are dust. In the midst of this long marathon of endurance as travelers in a world that is not our home, He gives us presents, little moments of peace and joy that are gifts to aid in our endurance. I think of them like the cups of cold water people hand out to marathoners as they run along. Drink a little and pour the rest over your head. It keeps you going. Those little moments when the clouds part and the Son clearly shines through can be sustaining blessings. Don't let regrets over the past or anxiety for the future knock them away from you in that moment. That's my goal for the rest of this vacation.

Facebook and the Kingdom

2011-07-26T07:05:00.000-07:00

Facebook is an interesting beast. I have given a lot of thought to my philosophy of Facebook. I think most of us have adopted some type of philosophy or strategy for how we will interact with it. Some avoid it like the plague. Some have an account not to post anything about themselves but to get updates on friends or family. Some want to be known authentically. Some want to be known superficially. All of these are fine. I don't think it's appropriate to make moral judgements about how other people choose to interact with it.

I find it especially interesting how different Christians interact with Facebook. For many, it's a place to state Christian beliefs and stand up for Christian moral issues. Again, I won't pass a moral judgement on that. And for famous Christians, their personal Facebook page is sometimes a clearing house for their ministry—announcements, devotionals, and so forth. I'm in this weird middle place. I'm not exactly famous, but people read this blog that I don't know personally, and I get more and more requests to be friends on Facebook with people I don't yet know.

Which leads me to articulate my own personal Facebook philosophy. It is simply this – Facebook serves the relationships I already have and want to cultivate at a deeper level. Frankly, many of those relationships are not with believers. I don't feel that Facebook is the place to plant my Christian flag on an issue, though maybe it will help me build a connection with an individual because I know them, their children, their likes, and their dislikes that facilitates real conversation in person about Christ and the Word.

Facebook has helped me connect with cousins that I otherwise wouldn't get to see but maybe once a year. It lets me know when my friend across town is sick and needs a meal or when a coworker's marriage is falling apart. And it's how I let my mom know I have a sinus infection, my friends at church know that I need prayer, or the other preschool moms know that I'm going to the playground in our neighborhood. It's the place that I save pictures from my family vacation.

Also, I have made genuine Facebook-only friends. One friend in particular became my Facebook friend after we met online when she reviewed one of my books. Though we haven't met in person, we have become true friends online, and she often writes supportive, encouraging responses to me.

My husband and I often talk of the struggle between public and private ministry. Facebook can be either public or private. Many use it to support their public ministry which is perfectly fine. But our burden as a family is that private relationships and ministry come first. So far, it's what I have learned and experienced privately that has seemed helpful to people publicly on this blog, through my books, and during various teaching engagements.

In our age of social media, many seem to clamor for a larger public presence. I have been guilty of that at times. I'm thankful for my grounded, private husband, who reminds me regularly that the kingdom comes quietly, slowly over time. There is excitement in large activities with a wide impact, but they can't distract us from the kingdom value of quiet conversations over coffee about marriages, children, and worship. Or warm hugs and faithful support when someone's private world falls apart. This is where the kingdom comes and the place that I want Facebook to serve in my life. If you struggle with the value of what you do privately verses the exciting things other seem to do publicly, don't be discouraged. The kingdom is like leaven, Jesus taught. It starts small but spreads along and along slowly but surely. It's not top down from public ministry but bottom up from one on one contacts. The kingdom work you do in quiet is the stuff of which Christ talks. Do not be discouraged in your quiet love and concern for others.

Luke 17 20 Being asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, he answered them, "The kingdom of God is not coming with signs to be observed, 21 nor will they say, 'Look, here it is!' or 'There!' for behold, the kingdom of God is in the midst of you."

Purity and Peace

2011-07-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

The membership vows of our church include this statement.

Do you, in reliance on God for strength, solemnly promise and covenant that you will walk together as an organized church, on the principles of the faith and order of the Presbyterian Church in America, and that you will be zealous and faithful in maintaining the purity and peace of the whole body?

PURITY and PEACE. I had dinner with my wise friend the other night, the one that always leaves me scrambling for paper to write down the godly insights she shares. This time was no exception. As we talked about recent controversies in evangelical Christianity, she pointed out the tension in the membership vows of the PCA. It calls members to be zealous and faithful in maintaining both purity (keeping the church unstained and unpolluted by sin) and peace (mutual harmony and contentment). The problem is that it is hard to maintain purity without disturbing the peace. Yet, on the flip side, there will be no long term peace without occasional zealous attention to purity. I love that the membership vows recognize the need for both.

I'm burdened that the larger conservative evangelical culture needs to be concerned for maintaining purity--- not external purity in our culture but the internal purity of ourselves. And not purity in terms of outward morality but purity of the heart. Because “out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12).

I'm familiar with 4 situations in different corners of conservative Christianity in which people are disturbing the peace in their cry for purity and correction in the church. It reminds me of the story of Ignaz Semmelweis, the doctor who first recognized the need to wash hands to reduce infections among birthing mothers. Nobody listened to him, and his findings were not accepted until after his death. Over his life, he grew increasingly angry in his writings, finally descending into full mental illness. But all along, he was RIGHT.

He's a case study in the despair brought on when you know the truth, and no one will listen. As far as I can tell, he didn't know the gospel. What if you know the truth and no one will listen and you DO know the gospel? Does it make a difference? I think it does.

How does the gospel break into and transform despair to hope when sinful men and practices go unaddressed in the Church? First, the gospel gives us free access to God where we can boldly bring Him our concerns. After all, it is His Body, and He's the one who promises to make Her glorious. And He even gives us a model for our prayer in Psalms 10.

Psalm 10
1 Why, O LORD, do you stand(A) far away?
   Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
...
12 Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up your hand;
    forget not the afflicted.
...
14 But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation,
   that you may take it into your hands;
to you the helpless commits himself;
   you have been the helper of the fatherless.
...
17 O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
   you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear
18 to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
   so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Second, the gospel gives us a model on how to engage in conflict. I've often talked about grace in conflict on this blog.

Grace in Conflict
Stopping Evil in the World
Abusers of Grace

The bottom line is that offenders need gospel grace. They won't stop offending until God transforms their heart through the power of the gospel. But often, my response to those who sin against others is to sin against them in an attempt to get them to stop sinning. It's a bad cycle. I'm as convinced as ever that the Golden Rule is key for conflicts. You can both stand against oppressive, sinful practices in the church and do it with gospel grace and biblical love. Purity and peace.

As a final note, I do not know anything about the conflicts within Sovereign Grace Ministries except what they have publicly disclosed on their blogs. I know enough from reading there that it is serious, and it is sin. I want to say how much I am encouraged by Josh Harris in particular. I've been impressed by the comments allowed on his blog and the patient responses. That's the antidote to the Ignaz Semmellweis syndrome. Yes, there was/is sin. Yes, it was/is a systemic and widespread culture of leadership that involved harshness and pride with limited accountability. Yes, God is disciplining them for the purity of the ministry. But best of all, there will be peace if they continue to embrace this season, seriously examine themselves, and listen to their critics instead of discounting them as bitter.

May the gospel empower critics as well as those criticized for both the purity and the peace of the Church.

What Bitterness REALLY is

2011-07-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

I have written on bitterness and accused people in the past (rarely to their face) of being bitter. In the church, we think that complaining leads to bitterness which leads to divisiveness. A few months ago, a pastor friend, Bob Bixby, wrote a thought provoking post on what bitterness really is biblically. It's the first real exposition I've heard of Hebrews 12, and it has radically changed how I think about this passage and subsequently how I view or judge people who “rock the boat” in Christian circles. Here are parts of Bob's exposition. You can read the full post here. Bob is writing in a very different context, sexual abuse in fundamentalist Christianity, than the one I face here in Seattle. Yet, read in my context, his exposition of Hebrews 12 is very meaningful. Where is part two by the way, Bob?!

The “Bitter Card” has trump power. Pop that baby out, and you can dismiss the criticism. It’s played this way: person A has a grievance that he/she does not feel is being understood. Eventually Person A vents too often, too emotionally, or even sinfully, or gets too close to unsettling the happy delusion of the establishment and consequently in danger of getting too much influence. At this point, play the “Bitter Card.” This puts them on the defensive and, in the minds of the clueless, guts their argument. Plus it has the added benefit that you can say that their defensiveness is proof of the truth of your claim. Often people who play the “Bitter Card” employ Hebrews 12:15 and warn that the bitterness could result in the defilement of many.

So, let me explain. Biblically.

… The “root of bitterness” in Hebrews 12:15 could more aptly be applied to the scourge of immorality and its abuses than to the wounded, spiteful, angry, and sometimes over-the-top venting of those who have been “defiled” by it. In other words, friends, the disgruntled are more likely the “many” who have been defiled by the “root of bitterness” ... than bitter souls who ought to be dismissed for having a bad attitude.

It is the root of bitterness, not bitterness that defiles. But that may be stretching it too much. At the very least, “root of bitterness” ought to be understood as an evil core, a wickedness that cannot be more darkly described than using the words from the Pentateuch. It is the essence of a person who, though in the fellowship of believers by association, has “failed the grace of God” and is not even a saved person. That wickedness, a wickedness that could manifest itself in all sorts of ways ... ultimately springs up and defiles many of the people within the fellowship of believers. That the writer of Hebrews thinks such a person is an unsaved person seems clear by his use of Esau seeking repentance even with tears but not able to find it.

...

The Scripture repeatedly emphasizes the need to be vigilant over the community of believers. Hebrews 3:12 calls for community vigilance. And, when sin occurs, there ought to be a godly purging. Instead, (in certain situations) the root of bitterness was retained and those who were defiled by it were sent away.

...

There’s no denying that sometimes victims and their friends and the disgruntled “many” are sinful. Very sinful. But, pastorally, it’s just plain stupid to try to control somebody’s speech or the effect of it on others by pulling out the “Bitter Card.” First of all, anger and indignation is not always “bitterness.” Wounds and hurts still felt are not bitterness.

When I was at (Bible college), I was wrongly taught that bitterness is “harbored hurt.” The idea that you still felt the pain of something ten years later meant that you had “harbored the hurt.” That, we were told, was bitterness. And, “Be careful,” we were warned, “because that root of bitterness will spring up and defile many people.”

To the contrary. The reason there are so many disgruntled and hurt and wounded and angry opponents of (various offensive people or institutions within conservative evangelical Christianity) is because the “root of bitterness” was not vigilantly rooted out. It’s not too much of a stretch, considering the context of Hebrews 12:15, to read into the word “defiled” something more than just a moral defilement but a cultic/ceremonial/communal defilement. In other words, the cultic (and, I mean here “worship”) and communal fellowship among those affected by the “root of bitterness” and the rest of the believers is severely damaged. That’s why it is a community obligation to “see to it that no one among you fails the grace of God.”

The whole of Hebrews 12 is misapplied if applied exclusively to the individual. The verbs are plural. It is addressed to the community. “Lay aside every weight… and sin” is not just to the individual, but to the community. … The community of faith is, like the Author of our faith, in a conflict with sin. In fact, the writer says exactly this in verse 3: “in your struggle against sin.” Unlike the Author of our faith we have not resisted to the point of “shedding of blood” (a euphemism for death, I believe). This struggle against sin includes our own sin which “clings so closely” (v.1) and, like our Captain’s struggle, “hostility against” us (v. 3). Our own sin has painful consequences and the hostility of sinners against us is also painful. This we are called to endure because it is training (“discipline”). ...

This understanding makes the following verses make sense, especially as it is understood corporately. While too many people get defensive and circle the wagons trying to point out the excesses of accusers, instead he/she should “lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather healed” (v. 12-13). Again, this is all plural and directed to the community of faith. It simply says, “Fix the problem. Straighten the path.”

...

It flies in the face of reason not to admit that many people have been hurt in (certain) circles and it is belligerently ungodly to dismiss it by saying, “Well, everybody is a sinner.” The godly response is to be trained by it and to say, “Let’s lift up the drooping hands and the weak knees.” In other words, let’s strengthen those in our community that are discouraged by sin. Yes, even our sinfulness. Therefore, “let’s make straight paths” and fix the problem so that what is already “lame may not be put out of joint.”

Instead, ... churches too often (not always and, yes, there are many exceptions), shoot the wounded or tell them to quit “harboring hurt.” The striving for peace of Hebrews 12:14 is not to have a voiceless group of subdued villagers who meekly bow to the elders. The striving for peace in the community of faith is accompanied by a striving for holiness without which no man will see the Lord (v. 14). This is why it is absolutely imperative that the community of faith “see to it” (episkopéō) that no one fails the grace of God and that a root of bitterness springs up and defiles many people.
The word “see to it” is a Greek word that even most laypeople would recognize. It’s a word that is at the root of our word for pastor/overseer. I suppose you could translate 12:15 this way: You all oversee [yourselves] that no one fails to obtain the grace of God. The person who fails to obtain the grace of God becomes a “root of bitterness” that will spring up and defile many.

...

I think that Hebrews 12:18-29 builds on this community idea. The Hebrews were inclined to think that they needed to protect the visible, tangible, and touchable identifiers of their previous community of faith under the old covenant. Thus, the writer says, “The reason why I have encouraged you to lay aside every weight and sin and vigilantly make sure no one in your community is actually with an unbelieving heart (3:12, 12:15) is because it is the heart, not externals and names and labels, that matter. “You have not come to what may be touched….” (12:18-21). Instead, “you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel” (12:19-24).
...

I am moved by Bob's words--”it is the heart, not externals and names and labels, that matter.” I immediately think of Christ's strong warning that “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12: 34). When someone's words are contemptuous, angry, and unloving, it is because their HEART is contemptuous, angry, and unloving. And the community of faith has an obligation to examine, hold accountable, and guard against the ones that “fail the grace of God” and sow this root of bitterness, NOT the ones who were wounded by it and cry out against it.

Disposable Single Men

2011-07-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

In a recent post on singleness, the comments revealed some heated frustration with single men by some single women. The perception was that the men control the outcome, and single women were at their mercy in terms of dating and marriage. I won't over analyze that discussion again except to say that we can't generalize single men like that any more than we can single women. There are a WIDE variety of goals and values among Christian single men as there are among Christian single women. For a moment, I'd like to give a totally different perspective – one from an unemployed Christian single man who longs for marriage yet has been unable to secure either a wife or a job to support a family. His perspective may be informative for those of us who only see the issue of singleness in the church from our own experiential perspective.

Disposable--designed for or capable of being thrown away after being used or used up (a disposable cup); free for use; available (Every disposable vehicle was sent). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved July 06, 2011, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/disposable

The salient idea I'm considering as I just entered month 22 of job hunting and have failed to land any work is the idea that the unmarried man is disposable, not just in this culture but in any culture. I think it is with this idea my fellow unmarried peers in their later 30s or early 40s are contending in different ways. We find different ways of facing this reality. Many of the guys whose lives I've observed are unusually bitter about being single and feeling like losers because of it. The temptation for some is to externalize their sense of failure and transform it into wrath and enmity toward marriage as a concept. In this corner is the declaration that marriage is an abomination reflecting an outdated morality and moralism that should not require any sanction from church or state...

Others externalize their sense of failure not by way of impugning the very concept of marriage but by impugning the opposite sex. I've seen this happen with a few guys who have decided the problem is that women are shallow. These guys are usually unable to admit that the shallowness of women in assessing them is less acceptable than their own decision that this or that woman does not pass muster with them. The trouble with men and women who would merely impugn the other gender is that this seems to reveal two things. The first thing it reveals is a sweeping double standard with respect to gender. The second thing it often reveals is a reluctance to consider one's own shortcomings or, less pleasant still, a reluctance to admit that nobody's sins account for one's single condition. It can be easier to assume that one must be a loser than that one isn't a loser but just isn't married anyway. A few guys seem more comfortable lamenting that women are shallow or that they are unappreciated than to confront their own coveting, envy, malice, or other problematic spiritual fruits.

Externalizing failure for marriage is perhaps the easiest thing for neo-Reformed to do. This is something both sexes find easy to do. "Where are the men?" "Why don't the men grow up?" That's easier than conceding that at different times and different places men are not financially situated to marry. …

[Most government assistance and worker retraining programs are aimed to help FAMILIES withstand economic hardship. This has left my friend in a hard situation.]

I don't know a whole lot of guys who internalize failure but that's definitely where I have landed. ... Rather than choose to see these things as special rights and privileges afforded to married people by the government, I see them as doing what the welfare net is supposed to do, make it easier for families to withstand economic hardship. … But it is still disappointing that attempting to get more education to transition into some other professional field is not possible. I picked up a specialized set of skills nobody needs and the feeling of being superfluous just within the job market is weighty enough, never mind the prospect that because I'm also not married that I am, at another level, even more disposable in society. ...I remember a fellow resenting that he was told that because he was unmarried he had more time to serve in ministry, which was basically a guilt trip to tell him he needed to keep serving in a ministry team because he was single and had no excuse for scaling back activity. Exhaustion and mistakenly over-committing are both valid reasons.

But then there's Isaiah 56:3-8, which talks about those foreigners and eunuchs who considered themselves cut off from having any part in God's people. They couldn't inherit land that was already allotted and the eunuchs could not even participate in crucial parts of Temple worship due to physical deformity or mutilation. In a cultural setting in which no wife and no children meant a person was a nobody who had no legacy, God speaks to eunuchs as those who through faith in God and obedience to Him receive a legacy better than sons and daughters and an everlasting name.

I appreciated hearing his perspective on this and hope that it will provoke thought on what we expect of single men in the church and how we treat those that don't meet our expectations. It's not just single women! But also, as we face the ugly realities of the loss, let us marvel at the proclamation God makes in Isaiah 56 over the single guy incapable of marriage or children. It is truly profound and changes everything!

Isaiah 56
3 Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say, "The LORD will surely separate me from his people";
and let not the eunuch say, "Behold, I am a dry tree."
4For thus says the LORD:"To the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths,
who choose the things that please me and hold fast my covenant,
5 I will give in my house and within my walls a monument and a name better than sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.

The Sound of Silence

2011-06-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: … a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; (Ecc. 3: 1, 7 ESV)

There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. I, however, often mix the times up. From my youth, I have known of my tendency to speak before thinking. I memorized James 1:19 during my teenage years and quoted it often to myself.

James 1: 19 ESV … let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

By God's grace, my speech has slowed down, and I listen better than I did as a youth. Yet, I've noticed that my tendency to choose silence at inappropriate times has increased of late. It took the wounding silence of a friend with me to awaken me to the inappropriate silence I had shown another.

A committed friend with whom I had shared many intimate conversations stopped replying to my emails, leaving me hanging as we were scheduling our next time together. Her silence was deeply wounding. But it opened my eyes to my inappropriate silence with my other friend who had called and left a voice mail for me months ago. I just left her hanging. I don't know why I didn't return the call. I just didn't. I could analyze it here and give some reasons, but I won't. Though I had reasons, they weren't REASON ENOUGH. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. I had chosen silence when I should have chosen speech. Oh, Lord, please open my eyes to know which is which!

Silence has often wounded me more deeply than any other sound. It's the sound of someone's heart who is just not interested enough in me to even make an attempt. Many of us choose silence because we don't know what to say, but it gets translated instead as “I don't care about you” whether you mean it that way or not.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

Remember that sometimes the loudest message you can communicate is said through nothing at all. Silence can be deafening. If you've been silent with someone, even appropriately silent, remember that Ecclesiastes speaks of it as a time, a season, that eventually gets replaced by the time to speak. Don't choose it forever, because whatever you likely mean by your season of silence, the one on the other end of it hears it as a very loud voice of rejection.

Eph. 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

**If you struggle with speaking to a person of high emotion that turns every conversation into a conflict, here's an interesting secular resource. This link hasn't been showing up for some, so I'm reformatting it.

The Golden Rule for Conflict

2011-06-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

In the last week, I have been in a conflict that I caused with one person and in a conflict with another that I did not cause. It wasn't until I longed for grace extended to me by the first person that I recognized how little I extended to the one who had wronged me.

"So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 ESV

Note the phrase at the end of Matthew 7:12, "for this is the law and the prophets." This phrase is similarly used in the Greatest Command.

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22:36-40 ESV

The Greatest Command teaches that all the law and the prophets hang on the foundation of loving God and loving others. When I put Matthew 7:12 together with Matthew 22:36-40, I see that the Golden Rule is a great summary statement of what it means to love others as the Greatest Command instructs. While we are given a very specific definition of love in I Corinthians 13 (love is kind, love is not rude, love is patient, love doesn't take into accounts wrongs suffered, loves believes the best of others), the Golden Rule shows us that love, the foundational principle of the law and the prophets, can be summed up, "treat others the way you want to be treated."

When thinking about biblical love in conflict, the Golden Rule gives me an interesting perspective to consider. When in conflict, if I want to fulfill the command of loving my neighbor as myself, then a great summary question to ask myself is how would I want to be treated if I were the other person? Most of the time in conflict, I am self-righteous and self-absorbed with my own wounds, and the last thing I consider is how I would want to be treated in a similar situation if I were the other person.

Thinking about what I would need if I were the other person is very informative. When I have been wronged, I want the other person to seriously consider how their actions affected me and take responsibility for making that right, and when I have wronged others, I want them to extend me grace, not anger. I want them to say, “I forgive you.” Then I long for a response from them that lets me know they really are not going to hold my actions against me.

Think about the last time you were genuinely wrong about something (and if you can't remember the last time you were genuinely wrong about something, you need to ask yourself some hard questions about your beliefs about yourself and the gospel). What led you to recognize your sin or how seriously you had hurt others? How did Jesus draw you to repentance? If someone else was involved, what about their response was helpful in seeing your sin? Or maybe the other person's response made it harder for you to repent, not easier. If so, what about their response created a stumbling block for you?

After asking ourselves those questions, we start to get a picture of what confrontation and restoration looks like when it is governed by the Golden Rule and Greatest Command. I humbly submit that any confrontation that is not governed by the Golden Rule and Greatest Command has little hope of accomplishing anything spiritually healthy. May God teach us all how to minister the kind of grace to others when they have wronged us that we hope someone will show us when we have wronged them. May we respond to others that they see both their sin and the hope of reconciliation that Christ's sacrifice on the cross gives us. And may God's grace flow through us so that we can draw others to make things right instead of giving them impossible hurdles that leave them with no hope.

**My pastor has a helpful sermon on this topic here.**

False Humility, Worm Theology, Self-esteem, and Other Related Concepts

2011-06-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

“The greatest enemy of the spiritual life is self-rejection BECAUSE it contradicts the Voice that calls you Beloved.” –Henri Nouwin

As I read the resurrection narrative recently, I was hit by Christ's words to Mary in John 20.

17 Jesus said to her, "Do not cling to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father; but go to my brothers and say to them, 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'"

I have always been challenged by the idea of being a co-heir with Jesus Christ.

Romans 8 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs — heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

If the Bible didn't say it so clearly itself, I'd think it blasphemous to claim it for myself. Yet, Scripture is clear – I am a co-heir with Jesus Christ. CO-heir.

But I must keep all my verses in the Bible, right? I can't choose between seemingly conflicting passages. Instead, I must use opposing statements in Scripture together to inform and interpret each other. Scripture is the best commentary on itself. And Scripture also says that I am a sinner, incapable of saving myself.

Ephesians 2 1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins … and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. 4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved …

Holding the two together is a necessity. I sometimes hear a phrase, worm theology, that refers to how Christians view themselves. Here's a blurb from wikipedia.

Worm Theology is a term used for the conviction in Christian culture that in light of God's holiness and power an appropriate emotion is a low view of self. … The name may be attributed to a line in the Isaac Watts hymn Alas! and Did My Saviour Bleed (Pub 1707) [1], which says "Would he devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?"

A low view of self. I seriously, strongly reject that. I can't say strong enough how unhealthy I think that is for a believer. Like Nouwin's quote at the beginning of this article, that view tempts me to downplay what GOD HIMSELF says about me. Pastor John Piper, who has greatly influenced me, wrote this recently. I appreciated his clarification of what he means when he uses the worm analogy. Yet, I still resist the terminology. God doesn't have a low view of me. He created me in His image and names me a co-heir with Jesus. He calls me His beloved and affirms His lavish grace poured over me from before time began. As I sit with Jesus as a co-heir (God's term, not mine), I can't imagine that the term worm will describe any part of that relationship whatsoever.

I'm concerned that the use of the term worm in today's evangelicalism is more a result of a hymn than Scripture. Did you know that the phrase “for such a worm as I” is not in the Bible? In my own study, I found 3 references in Scripture where humans are referred to as worms (Job 25:6 , Psalm 22:6, and Isa 41:14). Are these the foundational verses on how we are to view ourselves? Do these 3 verses inform all the others on God's view of His children? Scripture is the best commentary on itself. In light of that, it's valuable for us to go back to what Scripture itself says about the value and worth (or lack thereof) of humans. And there is no better place to do that than the origins of man in Genesis 1.

26Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth."
27So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
28And God blessed them. And God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth."

If we use these verses to interpret each other, it gives us parameters for how to think of ourselves. God made us not worms but like Him to rule the worm. I get annoyed at facebook statuses among Christians that seem to compete on how lowly they can talk of themselves. We don't have to put on a false humility. I personally can easily fall into self-deprecation and self-condemnation. But my version of worm theology becomes as self-centered as any manifestation of pride from which I'm trying to protect myself. Perhaps that's why I resonate with Tim Keller's quote on the gospel which I keep at the top of my blog.

"The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less."
Tim Keller, The Reason for God

I love this. I understand the problem with swaggering. But I don't have to counteract it by sniveling. I am flawed, but I am loved. And it is this deep confidence in what God has said over us that frees me to REAL humility, not a false one clothed in self-deprecating terminology.

Karma is Seductive

2011-06-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Bono: You see, at the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics … every action is met by an equal and opposite one. It's clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I'm absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that "as you reap, so you will sow" stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff. ... I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep s---. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity.

From Bono: In Conversation with Michka Assayas

I believe in grace. I've written about it many times on the blog (here and here for instance). I found it core to the message of Ephesians as I studied and wrote By His Wounds You Are Healed. Yet despite my belief in gospel grace for myself and my commitment to live it out with others, I am constantly seduced away from it. The gravity that is our culture (both unbelieving and believing) pulls us down and away from gospel grace.

I remember a number of disasters in South Korea when I taught there—a gas explosion that killed 150 school children, a mall collapse that killed 500, and others. Seoul was so crowded that an accident that might kill 5 or 10 in the U. S. killed 300 there. With each incident, the culture screamed for a scapegoat. An individual government official or single head of a company would eventually be identified and sent to prison, if he didn't take his own life first. In reality, there were systemic problems in the Korean infrastructure, not the least of which was a widespread, inbred culture of bribery. But it was easier to cry for the blood of one than address the culpability of many. The culture craved focused karma on the one guy rather than diluted karma across a wider group, and grace or forgiveness was not to be spoken of.

I noticed a similar thing in the aftermath of the teenager raped by a church usher then made to confess in a church discipline service. I read one Christian fundamentalist web forum in particular where the posters were over the top in their cry for the blood of the rapist. “They should tie him up and cut off his ….” They used their over the top language calling for the blood of the rapist to deflect from examining the culpability of a larger group. Like the mall collapse in Seoul, it was easier to cry for the blood of one than address the culpability of many.

We have an unforgiving culture, and we as believers have contributed to it. Because karma is seductive, and grace seems threatening. But I'm with Bono. My hope is that Jesus took my sins on the cross. And Scripture is clear that I can't choose grace for myself and karma for everyone else.

But like everyone else, I'm much better at telling others to forgive than doing it myself. When something I love is threatened, my energy is aroused and expressed in either active anger or passive-aggressive manipulation. Karma seduces me – hey, they DESERVE it. And I forget that there is a better way.

The crux of grace is forgiving when you've been burned, as Christ has forgiven you. What does grace look like in the worst case scenario? What does grace look like for the pedophile? The child murderer? Is there anyone our culture hates more than them? They leave the worst kind of scars on their living victims. But if karma rules the day for even the pedophile or child murderer, it rules the day for all of us. And that is NOT the gospel. Karma's a bitch, a totalitarian dictator. NOBODY wants her in charge.

Gospel grace in contrast offers hope to both the victim and the offender. If you haven't yet read Generous Justice by Tim Keller, you really need to read it. He closes with this profound sentence (which I assure you he has proven from Scripture throughout the book), “A life poured out in doing justice for the poor (and abused) is the inevitable sign of any real, true gospel faith.” Any kind of grace to a perpetrator that doesn't pursue justice for the victim is no grace at all. There are legal consequences in our culture, a result of God's common grace to us all. There is no grace found in circumventing the system. Instead, you just delay karma's hammer, and it hangs over the head of the perpetrator growing larger and larger until it finally falls and crushes them altogether. We all know of cases where a perpetrator comes forward, admits guilt, and enters a plea agreement with a reduced sentence. Our secular legal culture recognizes the value of immediate acknowledgement of guilt. Contrast that to the guy who managed to avoid police for 15 years and then fought charges in court instead of accepting a plea deal. Had someone loved him enough to walk him into a police station 15 years ago (grace), he'd be out of jail today. Instead, a pastor mistook grace to that guy as protecting him from the civil consequences of his sin, and now he's facing decades in prison. Karma's a bitch.

Authentic, Biblical grace is so, so, so much better. Grace is not hiding sin. Grace is not allowing someone to continue to wound others. Grace instead frees them to face their sin (and its consequences) head on. If you want to extend grace to someone our culture longs to make a scapegoat (because they have in fact committed an egregious sin), confront them and offer to stand with them while they admit their sin publicly and seek to repair as the legal system requires. Love them with the gospel away from defensiveness and self-protection. Offer them hope in authentic confession.

If you've been wounded and long for a scapegoat, don't get seduced by karma. She'll suck the life out of you. Because if you choose karma for the pedophile, eventually she'll find you too. If gospel grace doesn't inform how we handle the worst of life, it's no use anywhere.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, … nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Ephesians 2:8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,

A New Normal

2011-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have had a few circumstances over the last 4 years that have grown and changed me. Inevitably, it is hard, not easy, circumstances that change us deeply.

Three years ago this month, my aunt was murdered. I remember my sister's story of the moment she had to tell my family. They were all on family vacation in the mountains. My sister got the call on her cell phone from another aunt. She told me she just stared at the scene in front of her--everyone enjoying the mountain air and time together as family--knowing that the news she had to share would change everything. It was a surreal moment. She did tell everyone, and nothing has been the same. Three years have passed. It's fully incorporated into our lives now. It's the new normal.

I've been thinking about this new normal. What has changed now? Besides all the obvious changes surrounding such a tragic loss, the foundation of change in my personal life has been, simply, my perspective. God shook the snow globe of my life, and some truths that were obscured by complacency have now taken a more prominent place in my thinking. Here are some truths that are front and center now.

1) This world is not my home. I have to repeat this to myself regularly, but frankly it's foundational to understanding everything else in this life.

2) Evil is very bad and we are not immune from it in this world. And rather than shaking my faith, this reminds me exactly why I desperately need a Savior. I need Jesus to save me from my own sin within me. And I long for King Jesus established on this earth as the sovereign authority who rules with complete justice. When God's kingdom is fully established, there will be no more murder. There will be no more sickness.

3) Happy is a yuppie word. I struggle with the term happy. It isn't a fruit of the Spirit. Love, joy, and peace are not necessarily grown in our lives through traditionally "happy" circumstances. Yet the beatitudes use the term freely. Blessed or happy are the spiritually bankrupt, those who mourn, the meek, those who thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and, maybe most surprising, those who are persecuted for righteousness. Whatever happiness/blessedness is in Scripture, it is counterintuitive. I'm learning to think about happiness in new ways.

4) Our need for God is better highlighted in hard circumstances. When life is good, I inevitably gloss over my need for Him. But His unchanging character is the only anchor for my soul when life gets messy.

If you've had a life-shaking, perspective changing event rock your world recently, I recommend spending some time in Hebrews 11-13. Three years ago, the Lord saved me from despair through that section of Scripture. It reminded me that hardship, persecution, and endurance have been common to the Christian life since shortly after time began, and they will continue to be so until Christ returns. It also reminds me that despite it all, God's purposes can not be shaken. It teaches me that my new normal is really just the old normal with complacency removed.

Hebrews 12
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Normal Confession

2011-06-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

In the past few months, I've had three pastors (in three very different contexts in three different states) seek me out to make sure they hadn't discouraged me or sinned against me on a particular issue. Two outright apologized to me, without any hints or prodding on my part. I didn't have to put out the vibe that I was disappointed with them or that I was waiting on an apology. The other was concerned that I might have taken something they said personally and sought me out to clarify themselves. In each encounter, what clearly was missing was defensiveness and self justification. There was authentic confession, genuine concern for me, and no circling of the wagons.

In fact, instead of circling the wagons in self protection, I noticed the freedom each seemed to have to be humble. Humility was the norm. “What?! We don't need wagons! No wagons allowed! We are FREE to confess sin and make things right. We have no need for self-protection.” I am starting to cry as I type this because it is SO different that my experiences with Christian leaders growing up and even well into my thirties. I remember pockets of humility back then, but it was mostly from those UNDER authority, rarely from those IN authority. I can't put into words how much it meant to me as each humble Christian leader sought to repair something with me out of genuine concern. I have MARVELED over it. It seems rare to me when it should be so very normal.

I thought today about what separated the pastors in my life over the last few months from those I have known previously for which such easy confession would not have been the norm. It isn't the age of the leaders. It's not their educational background. And it isn't their position in their respective churches. I think it's much simpler and much more profound. Why was concern, confession, and reparation the norm for these guys? Simply, it's their theological understanding of the gospel. It's their security in Christ that makes the difference. It's their confidence in HIS finished work that frees them to say, “I made a mistake.”

The gospel makes confession NORMAL. It makes it SAFE. And it makes it normal and safe for leaders, not just those under their authority. The gospel makes confession normal and safe for me with my children. I can say “I am sorry” as a parent, as a teacher, and as an author. It doesn't threaten me to own up to my mistakes and to seek to repair what I've done wrong. My standing with God doesn't rest on my performance, and I don't have to fake perfection with my kids. I don't have to fear that my authority with them will be forever lost if I admit I was wrong. The truth is that I will most effectively undermine my gospel ministry to them if I instead circle my wagons in defensiveness and self-protection when my faults come to light.

I look forward to the day when a Christian leader apologizing to me doesn't seem so out of place, to the day when it seems normal. As the gospel settles deeper in our psyche, repairing with others will be the natural outworking. It will be the standard. We rebuild the fabric of our relationships when we humbly say we are sorry, and I love rubbing shoulders with leaders whose view of the gospel makes such confession the norm, not a rare exception forced under duress.

2 Corinthians 5:18-19
All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

Matthew 5:23-24
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Reflections on 13 Years of Marriage

2011-06-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

My pastor joked in a sermon last year that he had been married for 14 years, which his wife referred to as the best 10 years of her life. I can identify and wrote about it last year. We’ve now had 13 years of marriage, maybe 9 of which have been the best years of my life and 4 of which were the toughest (not necessarily consecutively). I have certainly learned that marriage is not the end all of the Christian woman’s life. It’s not the place to rest, to find fulfillment, and so forth. My husband isn't the gospel. He's not my savior. God is the gospel. Christ is my Savior. But it's very easy to confuse the two in practical ways, and it messes up much in my head when I do.

As I've done the last two years, I'm thinking through the things I've learned (usually the hard way) about myself and my God through the institution of marriage. But first a disclaimer. I want to free anyone reading this from feeling constrained by what I share. I am not married to your husband, and if your husband is abusive and unloving, I don't want my sharing to add an undue burden on your heart.

As for me, I thank God regularly that my husband loves and respects me. I know many beautiful women who love God who do not have that. My husband and I laugh together well (sharing a warped sense of humor). Yet even with much love and happy times, marriage is not for the faint of heart. I've learned that LOVE and GRACE are not simply feel good words to repeat occasionally during a wedding ceremony. They are instead words with great, deep practical meaning that are absolutely foundational to surviving any given day in a Christian marriage.

LOVE.

I can never meditate too long or too hard on the Biblical characteristics of love in I Corinthians 13. The term love in our culture is such a wimpy, needy word. But Biblical love is strong. Love suffers long, love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, love isn’t resentful, love is ever ready to believe the best and give the benefit of the doubt. That last characteristic has become one of the most important ones to me. I have often assumed the worst of my husband and watched the light leave his eyes under my accusation. It’s never a good idea to assume anything in marriage. Ask straightforward questions if you need an answer. Don’t read into his answers (or lack thereof). Ask him what he means. In the early moments of a potentially serious conflict, I have come to respect the tremendous practical value of being ever ready to believe the best of this one to whom I am called to love as God, not my culture, defines the term. Many a conflict in our marriage has been diffused by this one simple principle.

GRACE.

Grace is powerful. I thought I was a gracious person when I got married. But I wasn't really. I was nice. I was polite. I was generally kind and tried not to talk badly about others. While all good traits, that's not Biblical grace. Biblical grace is letting go of your right to retribution and then returning good for evil. When I felt that I had been done wrong in marriage, I was not gracious about it at all. I'm not one to yell and scream, but I can definitely pout. I can put out the vibe that you have done me wrong as long as it takes until you make it right. God has taught me much through marriage of His grace to me and His demand that I show it to others. Nothing has transformed my marriage more than laying down my rights and bearing long in love, learning exactly what God means when He uses the term grace.

Grace beats the heck out of manipulation or guilt in terms of facilitating real reconciliation and change. Men are different from women, and it’s taken me years to fully understand how profound those differences are. Conflicts, some real and some just misunderstandings, are inevitable. Maturity in marriage is not that you stop having conflicts. Maturity is realizing how to handle conflicts Biblically. People think of grace as a wimpy laying down of your rights that makes you a doormat. But the truth is that while grace is definitely laying down your rights and not repaying in kind, if you do it from a position of strength in Christ, you are anything but a doormat. Unless Christ fits your definition of doormat. Grace is POWERFUL – it is miraculously life changing.

God has changed me much these last 13 years. He's exposed a lot of sin and wrong thinking on my part, and He has taught me that the gospel is much deeper and meaningful to my marriage than I could have ever understood without walking this walk. God has been very kind to me in the gift of my husband. My husband sacrificially loves me as Christ does His church. I thank God for him daily. But marriage still disappoints me regularly, and there are an infinite number of things over which we can disagree and wound each other. I am very thankful for the gifts of Biblical grace and love, precious tools for enduring when marriage isn’t fun or fulfilling, and the miraculous way they transform situations that seem utterly irredeemable. Viewing my marriage through the lens of the gospel has been life changing. The gospel does indeed change everything, even marriage.

Protection or Inoculation?

2011-06-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote on schooling our kids a few weeks ago, and the issue came up in the comments of exposing our kids to the ills of society often readily evident in public schools. It is an interesting conundrum. How do we protect our children from sin? Do we isolate them? Do we make sure their only friends are fellow believers who share our cultural convictions? How much TV should they watch? What books should they read?

I recently listened in on a conversation between two wise friends a few weeks ago that got me thinking about this issue. One brought up the scene in Proverbs in which the father instructs his son on avoiding the snare of temptation with the adulteress.

Proverbs 7
6 For at the window of my house I have looked out through my lattice, 7 and I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense, 8 passing along the street near her corner, taking the road to her house 9 in the twilight, in the evening, at the time of night and darkness.

10 And behold, the woman meets him, dressed as a prostitute, wily of heart. 11 She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home; 12 now in the street, now in the market, and at every corner she lies in wait. 13 She seizes him and kisses him, and with bold face she says to him, 14 "I had to offer sacrifices, and today I have paid my vows; 15 so now I have come out to meet you, to seek you eagerly, and I have found you. 16 I have spread my couch with coverings, colored linens from Egyptian linen; 17 I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. 18 Come, let us take our fill of love till morning; let us delight ourselves with love. 19 For my husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey; 20 he took a bag of money with him; at full moon he will come home."

21 With much seductive speech she persuades him; with her smooth talk she compels him. 22 All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to the slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast 23 till an arrow pierces its liver; as a bird rushes into a snare; he does not know that it will cost him his life.
24 And now, O sons, listen to me, and be attentive to the words of my mouth. 25 Let not your heart turn aside to her ways; do not stray into her paths, 26 for many a victim has she laid low, and all her slain are a mighty throng. 27 Her house is the way to Sheol, going down to the chambers of death.

One friend noted that the passage gives the impression that the father is proactively instructing his son. Maybe he walked his son down to the red light district and pointed out behavior to him from across the street. My other friend noted that, while growing up, his parents often had destitute people in their home for a season. He remembered watching a prostitute doing drugs in his home. And he noted the marked difference in his heart from learning of sin by witnessing firsthand the ugly consequences verses learning of sin via entertainment forms that usually sanitize it of its ugly consequences.

That conversation has provoked much thought for me. My children are going to be exposed to sin. Plus they are sinners themselves. I actually feel fairly equipped to navigate the sin within. I understand how the gospel equips us to face that head on. But now that I've gotten that biggie settled in my mind, I'm thinking anew about equipping them for the sin without. I have enough experience with cloistered Christianity to know that it is no savior from the sins of society. Yet I'm not naïve about the effects of unbridled exposure either.

This may be an unsatisfying post to some of you, because I do not yet have conclusions. Mainly, I'm thinking and praying through what it looks like to warn my children as the parent in Proverbs does. I'm praying through opportunities in our community for us as a family to minister to the broken and see the disastrous consequences of sin in people's lives. I need to make sure that my children don't first learn of sin from entertainment sources that hide its consequences. The first idea that comes to mind is serving at a soup kitchen with my children. I hope to find a long term ministry close to home where we can do that and more. I'll keep you posted on this journey and would enjoy hearing feedback from those further along in this process than I.

It isn't good to be alone.

2011-05-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

It isn't good to be alone. Especially on a holiday. I've talked about the issue of long term singleness a number of times on this blog. I broke up with my boyfriend when I was 25 and had a deep emotional crisis, probably clinical depression, that started around my 26th birthday and lasted until right before I started dating my husband a year and a half later. I acknowledge the absurdity of me speaking with any authority to friends in their 30's, 40's, and 50's who've experienced decades of frustrating singleness when my own experience was so short. But here goes anyway.

My experience is that there comes a moment as a single woman where it just stops being fun. Where you are done with the single scene, worn out by meat markets, and frustrated by well meaning but insensitive friends or family who keep suggesting the wrong guys to you. I remember feeling like I needed to talk myself into marrying someone that friends thought was good for me but who made me feel like dying inside personally. Was he my last chance at happiness? Being a Christian single woman is hard!

And I don't think it gets easier. I only seriously struggled with unfulfilled longing for about a year and a half. I have many godly friends who have struggled with it much longer. A few months ago, one shared with me how she keeps thinking she's dealt with the emotions and put them to rest, just for them to resurface months later. Each resurfacing of pain is particularly hard. “Hadn't I gotten past that?! Not again!”

Another friend this week shared with me her struggle to figure out her life at this stage. She thought she'd be at a different place in life at this point. She would have done so much differently if she had realized she would still be single into her late 40's. There's a temptation to point out the positives in her life. Isn't that how we like to counsel/encourage people sometimes? “Hey, it's not so bad. Look at all the opportunity you have. Look at all the people who love you. You've done this, this, and this that you couldn't have done if you had a family.” Blah, blah, blah.

Instead, I think there's something profound to be learned from God at creation noting that it is “not good” to be alone. That's monumental. In PERFECTION, it's not good to be alone. Single friend, I encourage you to stop kicking yourself when the painful feelings of loss arise in your heart. Don't fall into the “why am I not past this” mentality. You aren't past it because it's a really deep need! I can't imagine trying to guilt someone who had lost a loved one to death when recurring feelings of grief arise. But we often project such guilt onto our single friends. It's normal to feel grief! You feel grief and restlessness because you bear the image of God. Because you are like Him.

I've talked about this broader theme a lot lately. It's the idea of godliness with contentment. Because you are godly – you love God and have God-given longings – you experience restlessness with the things in your life that don't reflect His perfect created order. I received this timely email from a reader this morning who gave me permission to post her question.

“Whilst you were single desiring marriage did you find that it was once you were content in your singleness that the Lord brought forth you a husband? Alot of the time I come across articles and personal testimonies whereby its often cited "once I was content in the Lord" or "once I had enough faith" or "once I stopped doing x and did y" the Lord blessed me with a spouse. Doesn't this show that its based on man's efforts and not on God's sovereignty and grace which none of us are deserving of. I know many women who are mature and very content in the Lord who desire marriage and motherhood but the Lord has not opened His hand to give them these roles.”

Succinct and well put. Heaven knows God didn't wait until I had it all together in my singleness to give me my husband. And I know many women experiencing infertility who struggle with the same idea. “What is the lesson I have to learn before God will give me a child?!” No, friend! Your sisters in Christ with husbands and/or children did not EARN that good gift by their obedience or faith. It only takes a cursory look at society to know that for a fact. You aren't single because you squandered your last chance at happiness with your last boyfriend (which is what I thought during my particularly depressed time. I learned that you don't have to talk yourself into marrying a guy with whom you aren't at peace just because you think it's the last opportunity you are going to have.)

So what is godliness with contentment in these circumstances? It it NOT bucking yourself up to be all happy and smiley with your situation. Contentment is not a command to be OK with something God Himself says is not good. You long for something that is normal to long for by the very nature of your creation by God. Yet in our fallen world, that God-given aspect of your nature is unfulfilled. Contentment is understanding that you are not left as an orphan in this longing. You can say, “This sucks!” Because it does, but you can say it hand in hand with God, who said it first but in nobler terms. And you can say it knowing that you are equipped by the gospel to do battle and not be overwhelmed in this season.

If there is a lesson to learn in your singleness, it's to stay engaged with God in the wrestling. It's not to put to death longings that are part of your very God-given nature. And it's not to disengage with God because He refuses to answer those longings. It's to stay engaged with Him, alternately crying out in longing and resting in peace in His arms, calling on Him at every moment to meet the physical, spiritual, and emotional needs exposed by your unfulfilled longing.

It's not good for man or woman to be alone. And God has not left you to navigate this by yourself! You are not married. But you are not an orphan. May the vision of your very good Father in heaven holding your hand through this season uphold and encourage you this day.

Fruitful in the Land of My Affliction

2011-05-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Fruitful in the land of my affliction. That phrase may sound poetic to some and archaic to others. Personally, I find it striking. I first wrote about it a few years ago when I was in a very dark place, and it is time for me to revisit it. The phrase comes from Genesis 41:52, where Joseph names his second son.

The name of the second he called Ephraim, "For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction."

I have heard a number of sermons over the years from the life of Joseph. He often becomes a moral lesson – be like Joseph when you are sexually tempted and unjustly accused, and God will exalt you as He did Joseph. I strongly resist that view of the life of Joseph. God's not conforming me to the image of Joseph. He's conforming me to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). Joseph's story is powerful because it reveals God, not because it reveals Joseph. My circumstances will be distinctly different than Joseph's, but my God is the same.

There is much to learn of God in Joseph's story, and the naming of Joseph's son is one such place. Many thoughts hit me as I meditate on why Joseph named his son Ephraim (which sounds like the Hebrew word for fruitful). First, it's counterintuitive. Joseph was fruitful in the very place that should have sucked the life out of him. The paradox intrigues me. But, second, I resist the name, because I don't want to be fruitful in the land of my affliction. I want God to END my affliction, and then I want to be fruitful in the beautiful land I imagined would be God's best for His children. However, like Joseph, I am powerless to end whatever troubles plague me, and I get impatient waiting for God to move. It is in those moments that I wrestle with God, "How can I do what You have called me to do in THESE circumstances?!"

Once I calm down and take an objective look at Scripture, it finally hits me that no one in Scripture seems to be very fruitful EXCEPT in the land of their affliction. In fact, you can argue from Scripture that suffering, affliction, and death to self are essential to God's plan for fruitfulness in His children.

John 12:24 Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

I have situations in my life that plague me, that I would desperately love to see changed. God tells me to pray for His will to be done, for His name to be hallowed, and for His kingdom to come. I long for those things to come about in my home, in my neighborhood, in my church, and in the larger Body of Christ. I talked about this in depth here. But in the midst of waiting for the affliction to end and God's kingdom to come, I am blessed by God's story in the life of Joseph, and I meditate on what it looks like to be fruitful in the very places from which I would most like to be delivered. And I receive hope that affliction doesn't end the possibility of fruitfulness but may instead be the very thing that prepares the ground for "fruit that remains."

John 15:16 NAS "You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain ... "

The Gospel Frees Me from Circling the Wagons

2011-05-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

There are several types of accusation that cause us to circle our wagons in a defensive posture. There is JUST accusation – you are accused because you did wrong, and the accusation is true. It is just. There is INCONCLUSIVE accusation – you are accused of something you don't think you did, but your accuser is pretty sure you did. And there is UNJUST accusation – your accuser is speaking clear, provable falsehood about you. The gospel meets us in all of these types of accusations and equips us to bear each.

I wrote recently on how the gospel equips us to embrace authentic confession and eschew self-justification. Today, I am thinking about a similar idea – that the gospel frees us from circling the wagons in defensiveness when we are accused.

Defensiveness--excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings. (www.dictionary.com)

After a long history in the church, I've gotten to watch a number of different people from a number of different backgrounds accused in each of those categories. Sometimes they are humble people who are already well familiar with their failings. Those people rarely embrace defensiveness. They know all too well their ability to wound those they love. They value repentance and find in it a balm that soothes their soul.

[I need to stop to clarify the difference in the Christian understanding of repentance and the general use of it in English-speaking societies. It's used in our culture to mean regret for something you have done. However, in Scripture, it's not just feeling bad about something. It's a recognition of our wrongdoing and NEED for forgiveness that ALSO turns to God to forgive and correct it.]

In contrast to Biblical repentance, defensiveness is a response that says “I don't have a need.” I expect this from those who don't understand the gospel. But I note this response quite often among Christians that, in theory, embrace the gospel, especially Christian leaders – like somehow preaching or teaching the gospel has freed them from their actual need of it. What it is that causes people who should value repentance more than anyone else (at least if you measure the veracity with which they call others to repent) to avoid it like the plague for themselves?

The foundation of the gospel is that I NEED THE GOSPEL. It's good news because apart from it, the news is so very bad! We were made in the image of God. Yet we were born with Adam's sinful DNA. And while any one of us may do many good things, the gospel teaches that there is no end to the evil we are capable of. By our very nature, we deserve the wrath of God (Ephesians 2). But God has stepped in and clothed us, not with our own righteous works which are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6), but with CHRIST's righteousness. The mark that you really get this truth is HUMILITY, not defensiveness that you are too moral to even consider you may have sinned.

In light of this gospel, let's consider the 3 types of accusation that I mentioned in the opening. We probably all agree with the problem with circling your wagons when you are justly accused. But what about defensiveness when you are inconclusively accused or outright unjustly accused? I highly recommend my pastor's sermon on Absorbing Injustice for those who are outright unjustly accused. It centers on Christ's example at His trial and how the gospel equips us to absorb and endure injustice and return it with grace, the exact opposite of what is deserved by our opponent.

As for those who are inconclusively accused, let me challenge you. What would you do if someone came to you and said that 15 years ago, when they were a teenager and you were a spiritual authority over them, you said or did something to them that wounded them? Many respond, “What? Who? Me? No way I'd EVER do something like that!” My unbelieving friends recognize this hypocrisy among Christians easily. They know well when we are more concerned about their sin than our own. Few things strangle evangelism like Christians who sniff out sin in their culture while ignoring the stench of their own.

I read one conservative Christian pastor defending his wife online by saying that no virtuous woman would ever say something as offensive as she was accused. Apparently, in his belief system, she has reached some level of Mother Theresa type sainthood and is no longer capable of sin. Frankly, in that case, he needs to examine his understanding of the gospel. Even if you accepted Christ as a young person, you weren't saved from BECOMING a really bad sinner. Some of us became a believer at a young age and have strived to reach that virtuous status, where you finally become above the capability of sinning. I bought into that idea for a while, trying to become a person full of wisdom who always got it right. It finally dawned on me, via Paul's struggle in Romans 7, that wrestling with my sin nature didn't indicate failure on my part. It just indicated reality. Making peace with the fact that you are indeed a sinner is pretty core to moving past a preschool-level interaction with the gospel. The gospel is precious to me because I need it today, and I REST in it today.

Personally, if someone comes to me and says that 20 years ago when I was their camp counselor, I said something that wounded them, I'd tend to believe it. Because I'm not always right. I don't always respond correctly. And I am capable of flippantly hurting someone with careless words that didn't mean enough to me that I'd even remember. When we are inconclusively accused, we likely don't recall the details. But remember that things can seem trite to a grownup in power though they profoundly impact the younger person under their authority.

If you have been accused, do not choose defensiveness. Defensiveness is for people who DON'T UNDERSTAND THE GOSPEL. The gospel completely frees us from a need to circle the wagons and defend ourselves. God circled the wagons 2000 years ago and accepted Christ's perfect sacrifice in the middle. Then He smashed the wagons. We don't need them anymore. God has freed you from your need for self-protection.

This is the dividing line, the fork in the road. When you are accused, do you defend yourself and try to discredit your accusers? Or do you take a serious look at yourself and recognize that even if you don't perceive things happening that way, this person DID? Perception is reality for the one who perceives it. Whose sin are you more suspicious of – theirs or yours? Are you more suspicious that they are trying to persecute you by telling lies about you? Or are you more suspicious of your own ability to say or do something in passing that wounded someone else that you then forgot? Remember well Paul's exhortation in I Corinthians 13. Biblical love is ever ready to give the benefit of the doubt. Give the benefit of the doubt to your accuser. Biblical love calls you to do this, and the gospel protects you from being destroyed by their accusations.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, says Christ in Matthew 5. Not the humbly dressed or the poor in bank account. Being of humble means is irrelevant if you have a high view of your personal spiritual abilities. In contrast, poverty of spirit is a counterintuitive means of blessing. Happy are those who are spiritually bankrupt, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Don't fear humility. Don't embrace defensiveness. Humble repentance in light of the gospel is a wonderful, freeing thing. And it's a fundamental of our faith, is it not?

Desperate Mothers

2011-05-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

Every Tuesday morning, I meet with a group of moms from my church for Bible study. We pay a babysitter to come watch our kids, though there always remains a few boisterous but really cute toddlers wandering around our feet during the study and prayer (we've learned to talk and pray fast and loud). We're a bonded group, though always ready to welcome another battered mom to our midst. We crawl in each week, kids in arms, study, cry, and pray. And we walk out tall, renewed by the mutual love and support of our sisters in Christ equally battered by life as ourselves, reminded that our devotion to God is not in vain, ready to stay engaged with God in prayer and study as we face the storms of life.

We are reading through Paul Miller's A Praying Life this quarter and anticipating studying Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff Vanvonderen in the fall. The Biblical truths that are foundational to each study are swirling together and complementing each other nicely.

“Learned desperation is at the heart of a praying life.” A Praying Life, p. 114

“Until you are convinced that you can't change your child's heart, you will not take prayer seriously.” A Praying Life, p. 167.

“It took me seventeen years to realize I couldn't parent on my own. It was not a great spiritual insight, just a realistic observation. If I didn't pray deliberately and reflectively for members of my family by name every morning, they'd kill one another. I was incapable of getting inside their hearts. … It didn't take me long to realize I did my best parenting by prayer.” A Praying Life, p. 59

Vanvoderen's opening salvo in the introduction to Families Where Grace is in Place struck me hard.

“When people spend their lives trying to transform their spouse and their kids, the natural result is tiredness, discouragement, and the desire to quit. Therefore, this book is more about learning the right job, and less about learning new techniques. … We must learn the simple difference between God's job and ours.” p. 13-14

I have a lot of techniques and strategies. For the wrong job. I know how to manage a day. But I do not know how to transform a heart. I am learning that it's quite reasonable that I don't know how to change my boys' hearts, because it's not my job anyway. It's still hard for me to believe with Miller that I do my best parenting on my knees. Yet, as I meditate on that idea more and more, I don't just agree with it in terms of spiritual philosophy, but my day to day experience is reinforcing it practically as well. Sometimes it's praying for my family by myself. Many times it's praying for my boys with my boys about a specific issue we can't work out any other way.

I'll write more on this subject after I finish Vanvonderen's book. But for now I'm thinking through what good techniques I've adopted for the wrong job, manipulation and control (which substitute for authentic transformation quite nicely in the short term). Their hearts might not transform, but at least they looked good on the outside! I know better. I really do. Yet, I default to control and manipulation with my children regularly, when I should be defaulting to prayer.

Certainly, there is value to management and thoughtful strategies in parenting. When I don't plan ahead and prepare, I feel like I often set my kids up for failure. Yet, such planning and strategizing can distract me from my real job in my children's life. The more I get a hold of the difference in my job and God's job in my family's life, the more I realize how desperately I need Him in prayer.

I linked to this message before, but my friend, Holly Stratton, speaks here on holding tight to gospel hope for our troubled children and the power of faithfully communicating it to them. This message really blessed me.

Review of Half the Church by Carolyn Custis James

2011-05-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

I was asked to review Carolyn Custis James' new book, Half the Church: Recapturing God's Global Vision for Women. I have a free copy to send someone, so if you're interested, leave a comment to enter the drawing.

James' books always provoke me to think, and this book does it as well as any. If you're a complementarian conspiracy theorist, this book is not for you. I know some folks think James is out to undermine complementarian teaching, but I actually have benefitted from some of the push back she subtly gives. She married later in life and had problems having children. I can identify with sincerely valuing and longing for marriage and children, yet being thwarted from each by the sovereign hand of God. That experience opened my eyes to the flawed ways we present women's issues in Scripture, which I've talked about many times on this blog. I think James' experience is similar.

Carolyn Custis James is not anti-complementarian, yet she is challenging for complementarians. And that's OK. If you aren't threatened by a challenge, this is a good read. The main thrust of the book is how the creation mandate gives dignity to all women. James forms a vision for women in the church informed as much by Genesis 1 as Genesis 2. She also draws attention to the inadequacies of women's teaching dominated by western cultural views of needs and roles. Surely Scripture's message to women is as relevant to the Afghani mother seeking to shield her daughter from physical abuse as it is to a homeschooling mom in the midwest. Yet, much content of typical women's books or retreats are so bound by our conservative western culture as to be completely meaningless to the much larger, global body of Christ, which also needs solid teaching to women. I experienced this when attempting to edit one of my books to be relevant to Filipino pastor's wives. I was moved to think in new ways of how the principles so precious to me in my comfortable home in Seattle would transcend to women in starkly different cultural situations.

I have two criticisms of Half the Church. I hate offering criticisms, because as an author myself, I hate receiving them. But I also know that charitable, constructive criticism can be helpful to an author and an audience. So here goes. First, there isn't much Scripture in the book. I understand the author is painting a global vision rather than exegeting a specific passage. Yet, I prefer a lot of Scripture written out, especially when I'm being challenged on applying Scripture. I think there are a lot of Bible principles floating around in her head as she writes, and I hear echoes of them in her words, but I do a lot better internalizing principles when the actual Scripture is written out for me to reference.

My other criticism is that while she paints a clear picture of the need, James doesn't present solutions. Now, I haven't finished reading everything, and I'll certainly correct this criticism if I've missed something at the end. But I long to hear of her example in addressing this in practical ways. I found Tim Keller's Generous Justice helpful for forming a vision of what this will look like specifically in my life. I also recommend Carolyn McCulley's website. She has some concrete, practical ideas on drawing attention to global needs of women and addressing those needs in ways that make a sustainable difference for the long haul. I was very inspired hearing her talk about it at dinner after we both spoke at a conference together a few weeks ago.

Again, if you'd like me to send you a free copy of Half the Church, leave a comment and I'll have a drawing on Tuesday.

Godliness with Contentment

2011-05-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to speak at the Grace and Truth Conference in Rockford, IL last weekend. I have realized that traveling for speaking engagements just doesn't work for my family at our stage of life. But these folks treated me very well and it was a blessing to be with them. I'm glad we bit the bullet and decided as a family to make it happen, though I don't foresee us doing it again any time soon.

Most of all, I am glad that I was forced to study through the idea of contentment, which was the focus of the conference. God has worked much in my heart, especially as I wrestled with the phrase "godliness with contentment" from I Tim. 6 in preparation for teaching. Here are links to three of the sessions, two by myself and one by my friend, Holly Stratton.

1) Godliness with Contentment.

Godliness (piety/devotion to God) and contentment seem mutually exclusive. How do you love God and long for His kingdom to come and be content when your children rebel, your husband fails you, your friend rejects you, or your church splits? It's one thing to be content with your bank account or clothing options. But what about life situations that are clearly not what you are called to long for when we pray for His will to be done?

2) The Hope of the Gospel.

Holly Stratton encouraged me so much with this session. If you've struggled as you raise your children with confidence that He who began the good work in their hearts will perform it until the day of Christ's return, this message is for you.

3) The Discontent Psalmist.

This is a look at Psalms 73, which I call a case study in godliness without contentment. It corresponds to the session on godliness with contentment and applies those truths in practical ways.

I'm going to post some thoughts from these sessions in the coming weeks. So more to come on godliness with contentment -- a concept that has become very precious to me over the last year.

For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms

2011-05-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm reposting my thoughts from last year's Mother's Day, mostly because I needed to reread it myself.

Mother's Day is a tricky holiday. Like any holiday, it is sweet for some and bitter for others. For some, it’s both. I remember feeling on the outside looking in on Mother’s Day, first as a single woman and then after I miscarried our first. Our church had an entrance near the nursery called the Family Entrance. Could I use it? Were we a family? I finally just used it regardless, almost as an act of defiance. Now as the mother of a 4 and 6 year old, I can deeply appreciate someone setting aside parking near an entrance that kept me from having to walk my toddlers across a busy intersection. But at the time I was dealing with emotions that weren’t swayed by practical realities. I just wanted to be a mom. And that sign at the church entrance reminded me I wasn’t.

It is an age-old conundrum in humanity in general and Christianity in particular. How do you honor someone who has something good that you want too? How do you applaud the sacrifices of one without minimizing the suffering of the other? I don’t know exactly, but I do think there is an over arching principle that is helpful.

Motherhood is not the greatest good for the Christian woman. Whether you are a mom or not, don’t get caught up in sentimentalism that sets it up as some saintly role. The greatest good is being conformed to the image of Christ. Now, motherhood is certainly one of God’s primary tools in His arsenal for this purpose for women. But it is not the end itself. Being a mom doesn’t make you saintly. Believe me. Being a mom exposes all the ways you are a sinner, not a saint. Not being a mom and wanting to be one does too. We may long to get pregnant, looking at motherhood from afar. God sanctifies us through that longing. We may lose a pregnancy or a child, and mourn the loss of our motherhood. God conforms us to Christ through that as well. We may have a brood of children of various ages, and heaven knows God roots sin out of our hearts that way. It’s all about THE greatest good, being conformed to the image of Christ – reclaiming the image of God that He created us to bear through gospel grace. And God uses both the presence and the absence of children in the lives of His daughters as a primary tool of conforming us to Christ.

Single woman watching your biological clock tick away, I encourage you to look today at your longings through the lens of the gospel. You don’t have to deny your longing or talk yourself into a happy attitude for all the good things you can do without kids. It’s OK to mourn the loss. God said children are a blessing. But after the fall, we do not all get to experience that blessing. The gospel makes up the difference. While you are disappointed in deep ways and that disappointment is real, you will one day sit with Jesus in heaven profoundly content with His work in you through this disappointment. In heaven, you will have no longing for something you missed. You will not be disappointed. May confidence in that hope sustain you.

Married woman experiencing infertility, I encourage you with similar words. People can be callous with their words, especially in the church. But believe in confidence that God in this very moment loves you with a deep love. You may feel estranged from Him, knowing that He has the power to give you that sweet infant that He has given so many around you. It seems like He is dangling a desire in front of you, teasing you with it. But understand that unfulfilled desire is a tool He uses to give you even better things – things of Himself that you cannot know in easy ways. Believe in confidence that this time of waiting is not just a holding pattern with no discernible value, but it too is a blessing, albeit in disguise, as it increases your strength to run and not grow weary and to walk and not to faint. Wait on the Lord, dear sister, in confidence.

And mom who fails her children regularly (because that’s everyone else), preach the gospel to yourself this day. If you have any grasp on your reality, you are likely painfully aware of every failure you’ve made with your children. And maybe you are fatigued by the fears of future failure as well. It’s okay that your children expose your own sin to yourself. In fact, it’s the mom who doesn’t seem daily aware of her failures that most concerns me. Christ has made the way for you to be at peace. If you sinned against your kids, ask their forgiveness. If you are kicking yourself for your failures, preach God’s grace to yourself. Don’t learn to live with your sin – don’t embrace it with the attitude “that’s just how I am.” But don’t deny it either. Be honest about it. You sinned. You confess. God forgives. You get up and walk forward in confidence. It’s called gospel grace, and THAT is the legacy to leave your children.

Help My Unbelief: Suffering

2011-05-02T08:10:00.000-07:00

I was at a conference this weekend outside Chicago, and three ladies came up to me to tell me how much they enjoyed my pastor's sermons. I haven't linked to one in a while, but this is one that piggybacks well on the last post on suffering, which resonated more than I expected with a lot of you.

If you have 30 minutes, this is a helpful sermon on the reality of suffering as a very great test of our beliefs and how Jesus meets us in it.

Counterintuitive Words of Comfort for the Hurting

2011-04-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

There is a moment in the story of Job that disturbs me when I read it. In Job 23, Job is at his lowest point. His children have died, he's lost all of his money, and he's covered in painful boils. Everything to which he has given himself in this life has become dust. His comforters don't bring comfort. He says his complaint is bitter and cries that he doesn't even know where to look for God. Job, a righteous man by God's own account, is in a miserable place not by his own foolishness. Really, if anyone deserved serious comfort, by my system of accounting, it was Job.

But, after a long silence, when God finally speaks to Job in chapter 38, His words don't fit the profile of what I think Job deserves to hear.

1Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said: 2"Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? 3 Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me. 4"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.5Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it?

God continues on this way for four chapters. "I am GOD, Job! I hung the stars in the sky, created the oceans and every animal in them. Can you do that?! I am all powerful and all knowing. Don't act like you could possibly know better on any issue than I do."

I would expect God to say something more comforting--at least as I define comfort. Something like nothing can separate us from the love of God. Or that God works all things together for our good. Or that they who wait on God mount up on wings like eagles. Or that He who began the good work in us will be faithful to complete it. But none of those promises are emphasized here.

Instead, to the guy who was probably at the lowest point of anyone ever named in Scripture, God says, "I am God. I am all powerful. And I know what I'm doing!"

I have been wrestling personally with God over some things in my own life. Recently, I seriously prayed for a word from Him--"God, give me something to make sense of this time in life. Help me know how to think about all this and how to respond in obedience." I don't know what I expected, but His word was pretty clear. "Without faith, it is impossible to please Me." (Hebrews 11:6).

God didn't tell me that my troubles would soon end or that things would make more sense soon. Instead, He said pretty forcefully, "Trust Me! Believe in Me. I hung the stars in the sky and I know what I'm doing."

I am reminded that God never explained to Job on earth (at least according to the Scriptural account) the purpose for his suffering. As far as we know, Job didn't know until heaven what all was going on behind the scenes. In fact, Job's suffering had no earthly purpose at all. It was fully about proving the trustworthiness of God's character in the heavenly places to Satan and his minions.

I am beginning to see that the primary point of long periods of silence by God during our earthly sorrows and suffering is that we show His worthiness of our belief and trust based fully on who He is and not on what things He gives us. Satan can't believe we would trust God just based on His character and not on the blessings on earth He gives us. That's Satan's taunt--"They only worship you because you are good to them. They'd never worship you if you didn't answer their prayers and take care of them like they expect."

The truth is that true faith doesn't worship God because God is good but because God is God. We don't endure because we expect deliverance but because He is worthy. And we will never fully clarify this in our own hearts until God stops fitting our definition of goodness and requires us to sit patiently at His feet without answering our prayers for a season. And even if that season lasts the remainder of our lives, He is worthy.

The other truth is that for no one in Scripture did that season last the rest of their lives. God's promises ARE that He will complete the good work He began in our hearts. He will work all the hard circumstances for honest to goodness GOOD in our lives. And when we wait on Him to work, He lifts us up on wings as eagles.

But that isn't why we trust Him, have faith in Him, or worship Him. We worship Him because He alone is God. And He is worthy.

Oddly enough, until God actually moved again in my life (and He did), those counterintuitive words from Him did minister great grace to me.

... my righteous ones will live by faith. Heb. 10:38

Easter Reflections

2011-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

My reflections each Easter season are fairly consistent. As I mull the significance of Palm Sunday, the march to the cross, Christ’s passion, and then resurrection morning, I always zoom in on Peter. I’ve mentioned before that of all the characters in Scripture, Peter is the one with whom I most self identify. I would rather be like Ruth or Joseph. But like it or not, I’m like Peter. I have had a lifelong problem with my mouth working faster than my brain. Peter had the same problem. God has worked on me for years to shut my mouth, listen, and think before I speak. But as I read each negative situation in which Peter managed to get himself, I can see me doing the exact same thing.

The most soul wrenching interaction between Jesus and Peter is recounted in Matthew 26. On the night of Jesus’ betrayal, he tells the disciples of the coming crucifixion and their scattering. Peter rashly proclaims, “Though they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away.” (Mt. 26:33) Yet, just hours later, Peter denies Jesus -- not once, not twice, but three times -- even swearing curses that he never knew him. Peter quickly comes to himself, goes out, and weeps bitterly (Mt. 26:75). It is a sad, sad scene. Peter has failed Christ miserably. His failure is all the more bitter in light of his bold, naïve protestations that he would never do such a thing.

The first time Peter sees Jesus after the resurrection is recorded in John 21. In contrast to the previous scene, it is all the more beautiful. If anyone should be ashamed, hiding themselves from Jesus, it is Peter. He failed Christ miserably at His darkest hour. Yet both Peter and Jesus have a different reaction than expected. Christ offers no condemnation, and Peter exhibits no shame.

4 Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them, "Children, do you have any fish?" They answered him, "No." 6 He said to them, "Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. 7 That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment, for he was stripped for work, and threw himself into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far from the land, but about a hundred yards off.

While the other disciples make a respectable return in the boat, Peter jumps right into the water and swims/runs to Jesus. I can imagine the moment for him. They had crucified his Lord! He had denied Jesus! And there the Savior was, standing on the shore. Peter’s response reflects his utter need for Jesus. “Jesus, I can’t do this on my own. I just denied You three times. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing now. I can’t even catch fish on my own. I’m sitting here fishing on this boat because I have no idea what else I’m supposed to be doing. I need You!” In that moment, NOTHING else mattered. His shame was preempted by his NEED of Jesus. Getting to Jesus was number one priority.

After that scene, Jesus gives Peter a chance to affirm his love for Christ the same number of times Peter had denied it. And each time, Jesus tasks him with the great responsibility, “Feed my sheep.” (John 21:15-17). Do you see the great mercy and grace Christ deliberately shows Peter and deliberately records for us today in his Word? This man, Peter, got it wrong more times than he got it right in the gospels. And, yet, Jesus tells Peter that God will build His house upon Peter the Rock!

The image of Jesus coming to Peter after the resurrection means much to me. As someone who has failed Jesus enough to know the turmoil Peter must have felt in that moment, I love the thought of Peter’s eyes meeting Jesus’ for the first time after the resurrection. And I praise God that Jesus doesn’t condemn Peter. He is SO GRACIOUS with Peter. Before all of this, Jesus had told Peter He was going to build His church on Peter the rock. And after Peter’s denial, Jesus comes to him in affirmation that His plans for Peter have not changed. God’s purposes for Peter were still on track! And then Jesus spends precious time before His ascension reaffirming His plans for Peter. “Do you love me?” “Yes.” “Then feed my sheep.”

Christ’s interaction with Peter before, during, and after the crucifixion epitomizes gospel grace to me. I know the theological language for all Christ accomplished for me on the cross. But watching it play out between Jesus and Peter in the gospels (and then reading on into Acts and the epistles to see what Peter became and taught in consequence) puts a face on it for me. Peter earned nothing and nearly squandered everything. However, though Jesus knew Peter would betray Him, He loved him anyway, pursued him with His grace, and affirmed to him His purposes for him. And this same Jesus loves, pursues, and affirms you and I. This is such very good news.

Justified

2011-04-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote about authentic confession this weekend. I had an interesting conversation with a friend at dinner afterwards, and she challenged my thinking on the topic of confession/repentance even farther. At issue was how to deal with partially correct accusations. I am tempted to create a hypothetical situation to illustrate my argument. But I am becoming suspicious of hypotheticals, because they are … hypothetical. It's pretty easy to create hypothetical situations that justify particular points of view. But they are often deceptive and can be a cop out because we don't have real situations to illustrate our ideas. So instead of a hypothetical situation, I'm going to tell you about a real one.

This week, someone dropped the ball in a way that hurt me in a ministry setting. Yet, despite the extenuating circumstances they could have used to excuse themselves, they called me on the phone and told me how very sorry they were. They didn't offer the other good works they were doing all week as an excuse for the problem that hurt me. They just said they were so sorry and what they were going to do to repair things. It ministered much grace to me.

This person could have justified themselves.

Justify – to show by act or statement to be just or right, to defend or uphold as warranted or well-grounded. To absolve or acquit.

Instead, I think they understood that they are already justified, and not by their own works. They were willing to admit their own mistakes without simultaneously needing to look to their good works to absolve themselves. Their apology was the apology of one who understands Romans 3 for themselves.

Romans 3 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, 25 whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. 26 It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

If you are justified by Christ, you don't need to justify yourself. You don't need to absolve, acquit, or generally defend yourself. You can say you are sorry for whatever wounded another and begin the work of repairing and correcting it because the gospel equips us to let go of our reputation and empty ourself of our rights. And when this kind of gospel conviction slams up against serious pain and conflict, amazing, miraculous things happen, to the praise of God's glorious grace.

Authentic Confession

2011-04-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking tonight about authentic confession. In particular, I'm thinking that authentic confession and defensiveness are mutually exclusive.

Defensiveness--excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings. (www.dictionary.com)

Defensiveness and authentic confession are incompatible. Yet, I've done it many times myself. “I’m sorry for [whatever], but you [did it first] …”.

Instead of stopping with a simple confession, I add a justification of my actions at the end. To be frank—that simply is NOT repentance. Instead, I’m trying to give a reason for my anger/bitterness/insensitivity or whatever it was that I did. But repentance is recognizing that my hurtful statements/actions were wrong. Period.

C. J. Mahaney discussed this on his blog a while back.

“When I have sinned against someone, a sincere confession is required. A confession that is sincere and pleasing to God will be specific and brief. I have learned to be suspicious of my confession if it’s general and lengthy. A sincere confession of sin should be specific (“I was arrogant and angry when I made that statement; will you please forgive me for sinning against you in this way?”) and brief (this shouldn’t take long). When I find myself adding an explanation to my confession, I’m not asking forgiveness but instead appealing for understanding.”

The thing that most often undermines sincere confession is the "yes, but" mentality. Especially when it's "Yes I did that, but you said this about me." But confession and repentance are solely about acknowledging OUR OWN personal sin. It stops being confession and repentance the moment we get distracted from our own personal sins and focus on what was done TO us or said ABOUT us. Those things likely need to be dealt with at some point. But don't confuse them with authentic confession or let them interfere with repentance.

Our first instinct will always be to feel more woe over others sins against us than we do of ours against them. But it is a good gospel day when we shed defensiveness (as the gospel equips us to do) and face OUR sins head on with sincere apologies with no BUT's attached.

Psalm 32:5
I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,"
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin."

Wisdom Verses the Law on Women's Issues

2011-04-06T06:25:00.000-07:00

In an article posted at Desiring God today, I wrote about my journey to understand Scripture's instructions to women through the lens of the gospel. Apart from the gospel, the law kills. Presenting instructions to women apart from a thorough fleshing out of the gospel sets women up for failure, and I have sat under much teaching and read many books that do that very thing. In fact, I have myself done this very thing to others.

Furthermore, among the books I read and teachers I heard, I wasn't just presented with the law, I was also often presented with the teacher's personal application of the law. I'd like to think I haven't done this myself, though I probably have. But I have had a conviction since I was a teenager that Scripture was sufficient—sufficient in what it says is wrong and sufficient in what it says is right—and have tried to let that conviction constrain me in anything I might project onto others.

The law says tithe, but the legalist pressures others to tithe their spice rack. And that's exactly what has happened in many presentations on women's issues. As a new wife, I felt constrained by other's applications for their families of general Bible principles. My husband finally had to tell me point blank, “Honey, I don't NEED that.” I was stressed over color coordinated, organic meals when he just needed clean socks. I was greeting him in a state of anxious self-condemnation over the clutter in our home when he is actually more comfortable IN clutter than in a precisely organized room. But no one clarified for me the difference in general Bible principles and personal application.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend over brunch a few weeks ago. This is a friend who regularly gets provoked on a topic on which she has a passion. I have learned that when she starts, I need to grab a pen and paper and start taking notes, because her thoughts are usually quite profound. Such was the case when I brought up my struggle at times to figure out what choices on many different fronts were best for our family.

She pointed out Christians' confusion at times over the difference in wisdom and law, Proverbs and the Ten Commandments. There are no opposite laws, but we are all familiar with opposite proverbs. “Look before you leap” verses “He who hesitates is lost.” Or for a Biblical example, consider Proverbs 26:4-5.

4 Answer not a fool according to his folly,
lest you be like him yourself.
5 Answer a fool according to his folly,
lest he be wise in his own eyes.

Wisdom is not law. And wisdom is only wise when applied correctly in the right situations. You can't read Proverbs the same as the 10 Commandments, yet in our fight against moral relativism, conservative Christians fear situational wisdom. The result is silly, one-dimensional conclusions.

The answer to our fears of moral relativism as we apply wisdom in ways that are actually wise is the indwelling Spirit. Yet, we are suspicious of Him. Wouldn't we all rather spend 3 years in person at Jesus' feet as did Peter? Yet compare Peter after 3 years in Jesus' presence with Peter after 3 years of the indwelling Holy Spirit. As Jesus Himself says, it was better for Peter, resulting in greater growth and maturity in his life, that the Spirit indwell him than he continue to sit in person at Jesus' feet. It's a profound concept.

Paul exhorts us in Galatians 5:16 to “walk by the Spirit,” which literally means to “keep in step with the Spirit.” It is this pressing into God via the Spirit that equips us to apply wisdom in wise ways without fear of moral relativism. It equips us to distinguish principle from application and to know what application God has for us as opposed to what He has for the zealous teacher at a women's conference. Remember that you have something BETTER than sitting at the feet of Jesus. And He will teach you well.

John 16 7 Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you. 8 And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: … 13 When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth,

Schooling Our Kids

2011-04-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

We were created in God's image, created to be like Him and to reflect Him to others. Despite the fall, we still are called to be like Him and to reflect Him to others. It is the natural outworking of the gospel and all that Christ has reclaimed for us through the cross.

Eph. 4:32 – 5: 2 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us ….

The Bible gives some instructions specific to parents. Too often, we only think of Christian parenting using the language of those few verses. There are virtually no verses on being a good Christian sister, yet I feel well informed on how to love my sister because there is a larger context to Scripture. Whether it's loving my sister or parenting my children, I am called to be an imitator of God who walks in love as Christ has loved us.

It is in that context, Christian parents as imitators of God or parenting our children the way God parents His, that I bring up the issue of schooling. Occasionally, I get asked my views and advice on the different educational options available to Christian parents. I must offer this disclaimer – my boys are FOUR and SIX! That means that while I do have 4 years of schooling under my belt, it was preschool and kindergarten. Though they have presented their fair share of emotional situations, I know good and well I have MUCH to learn. However, despite my lack of hard experience on the issue with my own kids, I still feel fairly confident in my core conviction on the issue of the education of our children (under the overarching principle of parenting my children the way God parents His).

Here is my core conviction. BE INVOLVED!

Between my husband and myself, we have attended homeschool, Christian school, and private secular school. I note that we have chosen for our children the only option we didn't experience ourselves – public school. I think that is telling. If I'm not careful, it can just be reactionary. We're not going to protect our children from the social pressures we faced in public school by sending them to Christian school. Nor are we going to protect them from the hypocritical Christians we met in Christian school by sending them to public school. You know what protects our children from the social pressures in public school and the hypocrites in Christian school? Parents who have a relationship with their kids who know what is going on in their kids' schools and their kids' lives.

Homeschooling can be a great way to be involved in our kids' education and lives. Or it can be an isolating experience. It's not the panacea either. And for the parent who is not gifted in educating children who does it out of guilt, it's devastating for everyone involved.

Our family first chose a secular cooperative preschool in our neighborhood. When you sign on for a co-op, you sign up as a parent to be involved. It's core to the entire philosophy. I was at a point mentally where I would have LOVED to drop off my oldest and walk away from the building. But I also knew that was my nature and that I needed the accountability to stay committed to my core philosophy of being involved. The result is that after 4 years with 2 kids there, I know my boys' teachers, their friends, and their parents VERY WELL. I have remained the first discipler of my children even in their secular classroom setting.

Then, we chose our neighborhood elementary school, which is a 5 minute walk up the hill from our house. We chose this because of my core conviction of being involved. It helps that it is a classic elementary school that looks and feels like the ideal you hope for your children. However, because my 4 year old was still at the co-op preschool, I made a mental choice that I couldn't yet be involved at the 6 year old's elementary school. Next year, when they were both at the same school, I'd be able to be involved at the elementary school.

It's funny how quickly my fundamental convictions were overwhelmed by my circumstances. Kindergarten in the public school started off reasonably well. But in January, things started falling apart. My son was having problems getting going in the morning. He was getting in just late enough in the mornings (my fault) to be behind with assignments the rest of the day (and don't get me started on the ridiculous expectations of kindergartners in the Seattle public school system). But the final straw was that I got called twice in one week because another kid in my son's class hit him. The kid is a classic bully, and my son is no shrinking wallflower. So the conflicts kept escalating, with my son ending up holding the icepack to his head or arm at the end.

Should I take him out of school?! Go half day? Try homeschooling (heart palpitations and sweat breaking out as I even consider it)? I set up a teacher/principal conference, but we all got sick and had to cancel. When we got well, I decided to walk my oldest to school and stay (with the 4 year old in tow) until I could figure out a better alternative. That was a few weeks ago. Now, most mornings of the week, the little one and I stay for 30 or 45 minutes, or however long I can. My oldest is notoriously slow and easily distracted. So I make sure he gets his stuff in his locker, seated in his class, and started on his first assignment in a reasonable amount of time.

I also made sure I talked to the bully. “Why did you hit my son?! You are a bad boy and you better stop it now!” Just kidding. I know that bullies tend to be bullied elsewhere in their lives. I've tried to have compassion on the kid and help him at school. It wasn't much, mostly just saying hi to him and helping him in subtle ways when it made sense. A few days later, I asked my son as he came out of school if the bully had bothered him. “No, he's my best friend now.” Huh?! I questioned him up, but sure enough, the bully decided he liked my son and now they are fast friends.

Wow. That was easy. 2 weeks of minor involvement in my son's class pretty much resolved the crisis. Now this is just kindergarten level crises. I know I haven't seen anything yet. But it reinforced my core conviction. I can't give over my sons' education to someone else, whatever choice I make for their education. I can't let my circumstances distract me from this core principle. I want to know their teachers and know their friends. And if I can know their friends' parents, that's even better. My sister who is a single, working mom has had to go at this from a different angle due to her work schedule. Yet she believes it too. She is involved, aware, and responsive, though it looks very different for her than it does for me.

I have other preferences about my children's education. I do want to raise them in their culture. I want to protect them from, say, gang violence, but I don't want to protect them from the general secular nature of their culture. Instead, I want to teach them how the love of God and the gospel equip us to love our community. We are not against the bully. We are FOR him. We don't want him destroyed. We want him saved from whatever it is in him and his circumstances that causes him to act in such a way. Thankfully, in our very secular Seattle culture, God has given me and my boys good Christian friends at both our hippie preschool and our public elementary school.

Most of all, it is me, the parent, who is called to nurture/disciple/instruct my children. For me, the biggest temptation of all is to be lazy and ignore things until it gets so bad I have to do something. God has called me to be proactive, not reactive. He's called me to disciple my children, and discipling them as they navigate secular society is one of the most important pieces of that.

Finally, this is my personal application of general Bible principle. Please don't be constrained by my application. Feel free to be constrained by the general principle of proactive discipling of our children (knowing, loving, and nurturing/teaching our children as God parents us), but let the gospel and your own personal access to God give you confidence in how you apply it in your own life. The last thing I want is someone feeling guilty because they don't volunteer in the mornings at their kid's elementary school.

I spent the evening with two of my closest friends in town last week. We talked about the issues all of our kids were facing—social pressures, educational struggles, and their faith. It wasn't until later when I was contemplating this article that I noted that one home schooled, another had her kids in Christian school, and my son was at public school. Despite our differing choices for our kids' education, we share the same spiritual burden—to know our kids, to love our kids, and to direct them to Christ and the gospel. Each of us reevaluate our choices in light of our call to disciple them. In fact, one is switching from one form to another next year because, while it worked for a time for her child, something has changed. She knows this because she has a responsive relationship with her child and because she's aware of her child's friends and social situation.

So my advice on schooling your kids? Don't get sucked into a single mentality that causes you to ignore the needs in your kids' hearts (or in your community). Love your kids as Christ loves you. Be responsive to their needs as God responds to yours. Disciple them the way Christ modeled. Pray for wisdom, and then get up and do as God convicts you.

Psalm 94:12 Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD, and whom you teach out of your law,

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.

Conflict between parties of unequal authority

2011-03-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

We are all familiar with conflict in unhealthy relationships. But conflict occurs in healthy relationships as well. Here is a key difference. In unhealthy relationships/churches/ministries, the one with the authority squelches conflict effectively. They don't endure conflict; they crush it. And the one getting crushed is usually the one without the power. In a healthy ministry/relationship, the one with the power and authority lays down his life. He endures. He absorbs the injustice. There is still conflict, but if there is outright injustice, authorities bear the weight of the injustice, not vice versa.

Before you write me off as suggesting the acceptance of sin and rebellion by those under our authority, consider Jesus, who epitomizes healthy ministry. At His trial, He is falsely accused. Great injustice is committed against Him. But He who had all the power, took it. He restrained His power and authority and absorbed their injustice. Scripture calls it gentleness, and it is a crucial piece of imitating Christ in healthy conflict. Jesus says of Himself, “I am gentle and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29), and in 2 Tim. 2, Paul emphasizes it as well.

24 And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

Gentleness isn't weakness, and it isn't a feminine virtue. Gentleness is strength under control. Babies aren't gentle. Babies are weak. But when the man who has the strength to crush the baby instead tempers that strength to protect it, that is gentleness.

Conflict often arises between parties of equal strength, power, or authority. But it is conflict between parties of unequal power or authority that is my focus here (though these principles similarly apply to conflict between peers). Paul warns fathers in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 to not discourage or exasperate their children. John Stott notes in his Message of Ephesians commentary that when Paul outlines how parents should behave towards their children, it is “not the exercise but the RESTRAINT of their authority which he urges upon them” (p. 245). Often such conflict arises over the very issue of authority, the most tempting situation to rouse ourself in the full manifestation of our power or authority. Yet Paul calls us to a different way.

When conflict arises between me and those under my authority, do I want to humiliate my opponent? To take them down a notch? Some sin makes me so angry I want to rip into the offender and verbally tear them apart, but acting on that is sin. According to James, the anger of man NEVER accomplishes the righteousness of God. I must take my anger to God, pray through it, and ask Him to transform it from anger that will accomplish nothing for His kingdom to resolve that stands against injustice and sin in righteous ways. I've transitioned from unrighteous anger to healthy resolve when I move from wanting my opponent destroyed to wanting him or her freed from their sin. I don't want to figuratively shoot them. I want God to heal them. As Paul teaches in 2 Timothy 2, my opponent is not my enemy. They are a captive of my true enemy. We will never win a war when we aim our warfare at prisoners of war. No, our war is with principalities and powers, not flesh and blood (Eph. 6). Healthy conflict understands this difference. I must stand in the gap FOR my opponent even as I stand against their injustice, patiently enduring evil, correcting with gentleness. If you hate sin and injustice, believe that God's explicit instructions on such conflicts really do work His righteousness.

Helping the Hurting

2011-03-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

I first posted this in 2008 after a tough year of walking with several close friends through seasons of deep pain. My tendency at times, because I don't know what to do, is often to do nothing at all. That is a big mistake. Silence, even if your motive is well-intentioned, can be the most hurtful response of all.

So here are a few thoughts on walking with a loved one through a season of deep pain.

1) There is a time to mourn. There is a time to weep. Ecc. 3:4

Some day in the future, there may be a time for advice or a time to try to cheer up. But respect the time to mourn. Weep with those who weep. I have noticed when I am seriously hurting, there are some people that I just can’t have around because their response is to either give advice or try to distract me from my pain. Instead, I have to walk through my pain, and I treasure those who have the love and patience to walk with me.

2) Be quiet.

Listen. Don’t talk. I don’t mean that we need to remain mute when coming alongside the hurting, but take seriously James 1:19, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” When your hurting friend speaks, you listen. You listen well and ask follow up questions. You don’t redirect the conversation away from your hurting friend and toward yourself. If your friend needs to talk through their pain, listen.

3) Don’t pretend the pain doesn’t exist.

This is particularly important when it comes to the death of a loved one. Don’t ignore the person who passed on in an effort to distract your friend. They are missing their loved one, and you can’t ignore them anymore than a big white elephant standing in the room. I remember meeting at a restaurant the parents of a friend who had died unexpectedly a few weeks before. We all talked like nothing had ever happened, and I regret to this day that I ignored the elephant in the room. I wish I had said simply, “I am so sorry for your loss,” and then given them a hug. I, of course, had no idea what to say, but I realize now that saying NOTHING was even worse.

If your friend miscarried her child, let her show you the hand made blanket she made for him. If she’s having problems getting pregnant, love her enough to check on her about that specifically. If her father died unexpectedly, don’t avoid mentioning the beauty of the deck he was building for her before he died. If her husband left her, give her room to be honest about her pain. Whatever the situation, don’t feel you have to do acrobatics to avoid the elephant in the room. If talking about their loved one fits the occasion, then do it.

3) When the time comes, speak the truth with love.

Support and encourage your loved one with the truth of God. But remember that speaking truth alone is not necessarily loving. If that were the case, Paul would have no need in Ephesians 4 to exhort us to both speak the truth AND speak lovingly. So point your friend to the character of God in loving ways. The way you say things and the empathy you show have power to minister grace to your loved one according to Paul’s instructions on language at the end of Ephesians 4. In times of pain, there is hope in the fact that God is sovereign and in control. But there is also questioning and pain. Wrestle with your loved one as they struggle with the sovereignty of God in the midst of their painful circumstances. Don’t cop out with easy answers or glib Christian sayings.

I don’t claim to be an expert on this by any means, but these are ideas that have been on my mind through times of my own pain and as I try to walk with other friends through theirs. I hope something here is helpful to you.

The Cry of the Oppressed

2011-03-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

Zechariah 7:9-10 "Thus says the LORD of hosts, Render true judgments, show kindness and mercy to one another, do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the immigrant, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart."

Psalms 10:17-18 O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted; you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

It is the character of our God to hear the desire of the afflicted. He inclines His ear and does justice for the fatherless and the oppressed. He is a helper and defender to those afflicted/oppressed, and the particular context is those who are afflicted/oppressed by those with greater strength, power, or authority. Apart from Christ, our nature is to ignore the cry of the oppressed, and Scripture warns us against the consequences of closing our ear to the cry of those in need.

Proverbs 21:13 Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered.

One thing I noted in my study of Ephesians was all the ways the gospel and our inheritance in Christ equips us to become “imitators of God” (Eph. 5:1), reclaiming His image in us that was so marred by the fall of man. And our response to the poor and oppressed is most certainly one of those ways.

Tim Keller's Generous Justice lays this out with Biblical clarity. I plan to write a review when I finish it completely. I was already coming to a strong conviction that a conservative reading of Scripture will lead to a liberal view of social justice, and Keller's book has reinforced this conviction for me, maybe even solidified it. I had a moment reading it last night when I felt something that was previously shifting around in my mind finally settle in my psyche.

As God's grace transforms us into His image, we WILL hear and respond to the cries of the widow, the orphan, the immigrant, the poor (though not necessarily politically). Keller's book does a good job of giving the different arguments for what role secular government should play. However, if you are of the conviction that secular government should be legislating morality, Keller makes it clear from Scripture that the care of the poor and the immigrant is a moral issue, clearly talked of in terms of righteousness and sin in Scripture. If you're a skeptic and think your gospel responsibility ends at calling someone to repentance, Keller writes out the Scripture again and again, overwhelmingly making his point. I get annoyed with books that just generally refer to Scriptural principles or only give endnote numbers that I have to look up at the back of the book to find the Scripture to which the author is referring. Keller does not do this. He writes it out right in the text and analyzes passage and passage. Keller doesn't prove his point. THE BIBLE proves his point.

I have spent the last few years becoming increasingly aware of the cries of the oppressed. But sometimes I wonder if my ears are on a different frequency from my peers in the church. I now realize that, no, we aren't on different frequencies. Yes, we hear the same cries. But many of us have been trained to close our ears when we hear the cry. The church has a bad history of siding with authorities in conflicts and ignoring the pleas of the ones without power. But this is not like Christ. When the salt and light in our culture ignores the afflicted, there is no surprise that the larger culture does as well. If we really want to reflect well the character of our God to our culture, our responses to the poor, immigrant, orphan, and widows of society are a central place to focus.

Do not close your ear to the cry of the oppressed. Do not close your ear to the cry within the church, and do not close your ear to the cry in your culture at large. As Keller's subtitle suggests, God's grace makes us pursuers of justice. This is core to reflecting the image of God.

Aligning with the Mustard Seed

2011-03-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Matthew 13:31-32 "The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches."

I grew up in a branch of conservative Christianity with a view of the end times that had true believers increasingly marginalized in society, finally herded into a tiny corner of the world awaiting the return of Jesus while the rest of the world goes to hell in a handbasket. Not exactly the picture Jesus paints of the mustard seed. But I get as discouraged as anyone with the state of the church. I personally wouldn't mind some days burrowing down in my own little corner of the world and covering my head with a blanket until it all disappears. There are some ministries associated with my upbringing that I so hope will embrace the gospel at a deeper level and then change to better reflect it. Instead, I just keep seeing the exact opposite. There is the particular issue of sexual abuse rocking segments of Christian fundamentalism, and the inability of individual leaders and ministries to articulate and embrace a Biblical ethic on sexual abuse is absolutely mind boggling to me. Instead of the bloom of the mustard seed (which results in confession, repentance, and restoration), it seems more like an infectious disease that devastates more and more ministries. I get discouraged.

I'm thankful for the reformed pastor that first exposed me to the mustard seed view of the kingdom of God. It's growing, folks. The kingdom of God is at hand. He is making His church glorious. Certainly the works of the flesh are evident, just as Scripture predicts. We're always going to be more aware of the bad than the good. It's the nature of man to focus on the sensational – sin, abuse, oppression, bad theology, and so forth. The sensational is … well … sensational. But for every pastor that is disciplining a sexual abuse victim or aiming missiles at those called to hold him accountable, there are ten who are ministering gospel grace to victims, repenting of sin, correcting mistakes, pursuing justice, and modeling the life of Christ to their congregations.

The works of the Spirit are subtle. The left hand isn't letting the right hand know what's it's doing, and that's how God said it should be. If you're quiet and patient, you'll get glimpses. The Spirit is slow and steady, and the things He accomplishes will not be ripped away. The mustard seed is growing, and it will burst forth in glory. When Jesus returns, it's not to a marginalized church hiding in the corner. He is making her beautiful and glorious day in and day out, and when He returns, she is overcoming.

When I get discouraged by the state of the church, I am learning to discipline myself to align my thoughts and focus with the mustard seed. Where is the true gospel being presented? Where is it taking root? Where is grace flowing? Where is confidence in the finished work of Christ for our sanctification triumphing over legalism? Where are wrongs being made right? Where is good triumphing over evil?

After a day of being bombarded with all the dysfunction in Christian circles, I wrote a friend and asked for encouragement. Where is God working?! She wrote back with a beautiful affirmation of how the mustard seed was blooming in her own little world. It was subtle – quiet conversations in the dead of night, private repentance over private sins, making things right, and seeking accountability. I was encouraged.

Yes, everything is subject to Him. No, we don't yet see everything subject to Him. But we can be confident that He who has begun His good work will complete it. Yea, IS completing it.

Hebrews 2: 7-8
“You made him for a little while lower than the angels; you have crowned him with glory and honor, putting everything in subjection under his feet."
Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him.

Philippians 1:6
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

The kingdom of God is at hand!

Watering Seeds and Waiting for Fruit

2011-03-14T11:02:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 11:6 In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

1 Corinthians 3:6 I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth.

I'm ok sowing seeds. I don't mind watering them. But I don't have much tolerance for the wait for growth or the ultimate goal – fruit. And nowhere is this more obvious than raising my children. I've written a couple articles on parenting recently (here and here) on principles that are becoming more and more important to me the further I get into this daunting, winding, sometimes very poorly illuminated road called parenting. Here's the new one God is applying in my heart – sowing and reaping.

I know as a novice gardener that a beautiful, fruitful garden takes time and effort. And I've gotten the effort part with my children. I know that lazy parenting is sin. I must stay engaged. I must sow seeds. I must water and fertilize. It's the time part that is just starting to dawn on me. I don't mind putting in the effort with my kids … as long as I see the results. Today. But so help me, if I don't see results within 10 minutes or an hour, or if I'm really being patient, by the time I put them to bed, I'm pretty frustrated. What was the point of all that meaningful engagement with my children? I'm working hard to disciple them, to teach them truth and help them apply it. I'm working hard to expose them to the gospel, both in my words and my actions. But then I put them to bed and they seem in exactly the same condition with the same attitudes (often angry at each other, generally unthankful, or complaining about the day ahead) that started off our day.

Even though I know better, it's very hard to believe any sowing, watering, or fertilizing I did through the day was meaningful if I don't get fruit immediately. But I KNOW that is not the nature of fruit. That's not how gardening works. And occasionally, the Lord lets me see how it really works.

My oldest loves to make projects. He thinks about them in his head for a while, then gets to work with a definite plan. It's a great strength of his. And it's a great weakness, for he loves his projects very much and woe to the one who interferes with or, gasp, accidentally trips over a project, as little brothers are prone to do. We've been working on loving people more than our projects. We can enjoy our projects, but we have to keep them in perspective. The most important thing is loving God. Then it's loving others. And projects are good and fun when they come under those first two.

Well, I've been trying to communicate that for over a year. But it's just been the last few weeks that out of the blue, my oldest will offer from the back seat of the car, “Mom, I love you more than my guinea pig roller coaster.” Don't laugh. That's my world—guinea pig roller coasters, tiny ant toilets, and so forth. My 6 year old is an entertaining piece of work.

In that moment in my car, I tasted sweet fruit. “Honey, I love you more than my computer,” I responded. I feel a need to tell him that regularly because I am on my computer a lot. And there it is, a tiny sprout poking its head out of the dirt after months of seed-sowing, dirt-watering effort.

I am becoming more at peace with sowing and not so upset when I don't get to reap. Fruit will come. But it's not likely to be today. And I don't need to keep watering and fertilizing on an issue non stop until I see fruit. That will drown a seed. It's OK to sow a seed, water a little, and walk away. After all, any fruit is a result of God's light causing the growth. So I stand back and wait for Him to work. At peace in the waiting.

A Resurrection Response to Loss

2011-03-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

I Cor. 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

The "therefore" in v. 58 points back to Paul's discourse on death and resurrection in the previous verses. My pastor preached on this Sunday, and it was a very life giving message--a resurrection response to loss. One day, everything crooked will be made straight, and everything sad will be made not true. And it's THAT life we are to orient THIS life around. It's in that context that we can become the kind of people who can endure loss without creating a crater around us that swallows ourself and others. And it's only in that context that we can stay engaged, knowing that our labor in the Lord is NOT IN VAIN.

If you have 30 minutes, I think you will find this exhortation encouraging.

An Imperfectionist in a Perfectionist World

2011-03-06T08:13:00.000-08:00

I think I just made up the term imperfectionist. I do not fit into the perfectionist world in which I live. I am messy. I have tried Fly Lady and every suggestion Real Simple magazine has made, yet I am unable to change my genetic propensity toward messiness. My clothes are wrinkled. My sons have bed head most days. I don’t follow cooking instructions well. I eat too much. My workout routines fall short of my expectations. And so forth.

It’s only recently that I’ve come to recognize my coping mechanism. I anticipate that you are going to perceive me as messy, overweight, or irresponsible. So I compensate by saying it myself first.

Self-deprecation-- belittling or undervaluing oneself; excessively modest.
www.dictionary.com

The guests coming over for dinner are going to notice that my corn pie is runny. “Hey. Here’s some corn pie. Sorry it’s runny. I didn’t let it cook long enough.” You probably think my son is undisciplined. “Yeah, I know he’s doesn’t play well with others. I know I’ve made these mistakes with him (list mistakes), and here’s what I’m doing to fix it.”

I grew up in Christian fundamentalism, and sin and laziness were projected onto me with pretty much every mistake I ever made. I dropped my tray and made a mess because I wasn't being careful. I am sick because I didn't take care of my health, exercise regularly, or eat carefully. I made a bad grade because I didn't study hard enough. And so forth. It's been a long road unpacking all that baggage. I don't have a category for things that are simply mistakes.

A friend pointed my coping mechanism out to me this week. I wrote down the wrong date for volunteering at my son’s preschool. I showed up Wednesday and was about to leave when the teacher reminded me I was scheduled to work. Horrified, I double-checked, and sure enough, I was supposed to work Wednesday, not Thursday as I had written on my calendar. I felt irresponsible. Surely she thought badly of me too. My immediate response was along the lines, “That’s totally my fault. Totally irresponsible on my part.” She interrupted me and said, “You don’t have to take that on yourself. It’s OK.” It was just a mistake. And we worked through it to fix it. She believed the best of me, and it was unexpected.

My self deprecating coping mechanisms have also been highlighted to me over the years with my health. In 1995, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It was actually a good moment for me. I had felt like such a loser. “Why am I tired all the time? I guess I’m just lazy. Why am I hungry all the time? I guess I’m just a glutton.” When the doctor told me I had diabetes, it was a relief to know that there was something truly wrong with me, and it wasn’t my fault. I had a similar response earlier this year when the podiatrist showed me x-rays of my feet with very pronounced bone spurs in each one. And again when the ENT showed me the CAT scan of my sinuses and pointed out the chronic infection and deviated septum. “Oh, I’m NOT a hypochondriac!” I almost cried in relief. I had believed it of myself. I felt so tired, but I kept trying to power through because asking for a break from my responsibilities or taking a nap when I needed to clean my kitchen seemed lazy.

The truth is that some people WILL think that my corn pie is runny, my son is undisciplined, and that I’m irresponsible for writing the wrong date on my calendar for preschool. Some people will think I’m a hypochondriac if I refuse to take on new responsibilities though I don’t have a physically obvious ailment. But why am I constrained by my fears of what they will think of me?

We live in a world of high expectations. People are easily offended and easily let down, within and without Christianity. And if we don't constantly meditate on God's words of affirmation said over us in eternity, we will be constrained and handicapped by the expectations of others, many of which are simply unattainable. I'm praying that God would give me an honest assessment of myself. I want to face my sins head on. But I also don't want to over spiritualize things on which God has given me freedom and grace.

I have learned a lot from my friends who parent autistic children or other children with learning disabilities that are not physically obvious. How many of them get repeated looks from other parents like they are complete losers for not disciplining and controlling their kids? The answer for them/me is the same answer for everything. The first place I have to flee is the gospel—God's words of affirmation over me and the lavish grace that fills my spiritual bank account. When it's a mistake as opposed to sin, the gospel equips me there too. When I did my best and it still wasn't good enough, there is something in the resurrection power at work on my behalf that allows me to deal with it without condemnation or self flagellation. And a great side benefit of my inadequacies is that, when I do succeed at something like my exercise routine, instead of applauding myself for my self-discipline, I look up to God in awe and praise Him for the gift of His grace (as I just did when I got off my rowing machine, marveling over the last 2 months of consistent exercise on it). I know good and well my imperfections, and I am free to receive success on an issue that has thwarted be for a lifetime as purely His love gift to me as He transforms me. My experience thus far with the gospel applied to my mistakes is that facing them without self flagellation and with confidence in who I am in Christ gives great testimony of the gospel, particularly to myself. And I'm not going to project the gospel to others very well until I get it for myself.

See also Theology of a Mistake.

Grace based parenting in the real world

2011-03-02T22:42:00.000-08:00

Based on the responses I got from my recent post on Graced Based Libertarianism, it was clear that many of us long for real examples of exactly what grace responses to our children look like. I found a secular article that made me think. Of course, we're coming from entirely different beliefs on the nature of our children. Yet, I think there is some helpful analysis here. His criticism of manipulative praise gives insight into manipulative punishment as well. His point is that punishment and reward/praise are opposite expressions of the same philosophy. He encourages an entirely different philosophy. The main place I diverge from him is that I need my children to understand what God says is good, so I definitely will be making moral declarations about things to them. But with that distinction in place, his other ideas are worthwhile.

Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" by Alfie Kohn

...
1. Manipulating children.

Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they’ve done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as "sugar-coated control." Very much like tangible rewards – or, for that matter, punishments – it’s a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it’s very different from working with kids – for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done -- or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people. ...

2. Creating praise junkies.

… Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice ("Um, seven?"). They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, "Good job!" doesn’t reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child’s pleasure.

… To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary -- especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children’s development. Unfortunately, we may not have realized that "Good job!" is just as much an evaluation as "Bad job!" The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn’t that it’s positive, but that it’s a judgment. And people, including kids, don’t like being judged.
...

4. Losing interest.

… an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a "Good job!"

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I’m so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that’s often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement.

… Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task – and they don’t do as well as children who weren’t praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they’re doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks – a prerequisite for creativity – once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, "Good job!" is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future. ...

This point, you’ll notice, is very different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we give kids too much approval, or give it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and demand that kids "earn" it. But the real problem isn’t that children expect to be praised for everything they do these days. It’s that we’re tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So what’s the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they’ve done. ...

If a child is doing something that disturbs others, then sitting down with her later and asking, "What do you think we can do to solve this problem?" will likely be more effective than bribes or threats. It also helps a child learn how to solve problems and teaches that her ideas and feelings are important. Of course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage. Tossing off a "Good job!" when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things, which helps to explain why "doing to" strategies are a lot more popular than "working with" strategies.

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? ...

* Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing.
...

This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to … constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head.

Copyright © 2001 by Alfie Kohn. This article may be downloaded, reproduced, and distributed without permission as long as each copy includes this notice along with citation information (i.e., name of the periodical in which it originally appeared, date of publication, and author's name). Permission must be obtained in order to reprint this article in a published work or in order to offer it for sale in any form. Please write to the address indicated on the Contact page at www.alfiekohn.org.

The big point that Kohn is making is similar to my argument in punishment v. discipline. Punishment is reactive and, frankly, easy. “You hit him? Ok, now I spank you.” “You took his toy? Fine, now I'm going to take your toy and put you in time out.” And, to be honest, I take the easy way out way too much. But Biblical discipline (i. e. training in righteousness) is hands on and takes time.

My boys are ages 4 and 6. I have only minimal experience putting this into practice (though I have much experience failing at it). But here is the guiding principle that is helping me to formulate my responses.

Be suspicious of the easy way out. Grace responses (when you choose discipleship over punishment) are not quick and easy. The one grace response that often does quickly help in our home is redirection or distraction—-distracting them from their sin. And I think this is a beautiful picture of what God does for us. He is so merciful to see us on the trajectory of sin and to rescue us from it by moving our attention or efforts somewhere else. That's helpful when kids are heading toward sin but aren't quite there yet – it's making a way out much like God does for us.

But once sin has happened, I need to engage. I have to put down what I was doing, pray, think, and engage. “Son, why did you ruin your brother's project? Look at his face. That made him really sad. Did you want to hurt his things? Were you trying to provoke him? Do you remember what God said is the most important thing? Yeah, loving God and loving others. Was it loving to tear your brother's project? What do you need to do? Yeah, you need to ask him to forgive you. You need to ask how you can help him fix it. We need to pray that God would change your heart to love your brother.”

But even that paragraph is short and assumes a lot. There are other things that could be going on. I may need to explain to him what provoking means. Provoking is when you want someone's attention and you do something mean or hurtful to get it. If you want your brother's attention, try this instead (and then think with him through solutions when he wants someone's attention). Maybe he wasn't being unloving or provoking at all. Maybe he thought his brother's project would look better if he drew all over it with markers (which is what happened to us yesterday). He wasn't trying to destroy it. He was just insensitive and unaware of how his brother would receive his “improvements.” Maybe he needs support in thinking about how others will feel before he does something. I need to teach him about empathy. Or maybe it's a situation that doesn't demand any of that kind of intervention. As I prayed and thought about it, I realized it was something they could work out themselves. Finally, it may very well be that his heart really did hate his brother in that moment and I need to pray for him (because he's too angry to pray himself) that God would change his heart.

In terms of character development, I am working on teaching my kids perseverance and endurance. Rather than simply saying “Good job” when they score a goal at soccer, I am trying to emphasize that they didn't give up. “I saw that you were sad when that kid scored a goal, but you didn't give up. You kept playing.” My son in particular gets very discouraged and wants to quit when he can't accomplish something the first time he tries. So encouraging perseverance has been helpful with him. There's no point in me saying, “You are so good at soccer.” Because, frankly, he's not. And I don't care if he is the best at soccer. But I do want him to learn to persevere.

My final thought in this mishmash of ideas is prompted by a line from Amazing Grace, “Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved.” It's not grace to ignore the sin. But it's not grace to punish it either. Grace is this amazing third way. And wrestling daily with what this looks like with my kids has been amazingly productive in understanding it for myself. In short, there aren't easy answers. There isn't a simple 3 step outline for how to disciple your children in light of the gospel. It takes union with Christ, leaning into Him in prayer, and much self examination as a parent. But mostly, it just takes preaching the gospel to ourselves. As I grow in my understanding of gospel grace for myself, I grow in my understanding of God's use of it with my children.

Repenting with my children

2011-02-27T21:12:00.000-08:00

I have an anger problem. In terms of when it manifests itself with whom, I'd say it shows up 0% of the time with adults, 0% of the time with other people's kids, and 100% of the time with my two boys. This week, I had a particularly bad round of it. And, to be fair, my boys were certainly provoking me. I yelled at them, calmed down, apologized for yelling, used normal tones for two sentences, yelled again at them (a little louder), calmed down, apologized, used normal tones for one sentence, yelled again at them (louder still), and … well … you get the picture.

Finally after herding cats, I mean boys, into the car (because getting my boys in the car when I'm angry seems so much like herding cats), I told the boys I had an anger problem (actually, I think I yelled it in anger) and told them I needed to pray. So right there, in the car before we drove out the driveway, I prayed. “God help me. I'm angry. Please forgive me. Please help me not be angry.” Then I heard a groan/cry from the backseat, turned around to look, and the four year old was sticking his finger in the 6 year old's mouth and yanking on his cheek. In that moment, I learned what REALLY makes me angry --- boys who don't respect prayer when mommy really needs it. I'm sure I must have literally had steam coming out of my ears at that point. Perhaps a vein was throbbing in my throat or forehead. Suffice it to say that my anger had NOT miraculously dissipated.

My 6 year old seemed to understand the gravity of the situation. He's the one who told me last week that he hated God because he prayed for a TV in his bedroom and God didn't give him one. We've been talking with him a lot about God's love for him and have been trying to cultivate thankfulness for all the many things God has given him. In the car, the 6 year old looked at me sweetly and said that HE would pray. He folded his hands nicely and squeezed his eyes shut. He opted for silent prayer. We waited. And then he opened his eyes. I couldn't resist asking him what he prayed for, and he said something about thanking God for the many things we have. He didn't mention help with my anger, so I'm not sure if that was included or not.

Something about that entire scene was like a big bucket of ice water being poured over my head. The vision of my formerly God-hating 6 year old sweetly folding his hands in prayer for me just did me in. But not in a bad way. I didn't feel shame. I felt grace and mercy. Really, God could have let me back my car into the wall in my anger and it would have served me right. But instead, He ministered grace to me through my son's prayer. He turned a situation ruined by my sinful anger into a moment of spiritual joy watching my son exhibiting child-like faith. It's called redemption. Deliverance. And I'm reminded once again that it is something only He can do.

For the rest of the afternoon, my boys and I had a really nice time together doing things that I had not expected to be enjoyable at all. For a few hours, the Kingdom broke into our sin-damaged reality and it was miraculous to behold. By that evening, we were back to the occasional fits of grumpiness and complaining that characterize us on normal days. But I went to bed with a renewed confidence in God's ability to redeem the worst of what's in me and instead of ruining my kids with it (which is a life long fear of mine), actually use it for all of our good to transform us into His image. Thy Kingdom come, O Lord.

For abused wives

2011-02-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

In all of the discussions of submission or headship among complementarians, I haven't read much on what wives should do in abusive situations. Every time I post on being a strong helper, or the value of submission, or respecting our husbands, I always hear from a woman married to an angry jerk who abuses his authority and physical strength. Some women aren't physically abused but emotionally belittled. Many who write me sound so very discouraged, taking God's commands seriously and truly wanting to obey. They need clear teaching on when to endure WITH their husband and when to endure WITH CLEAR BOUNDARIES BETWEEN them and their husband. I am by no means an authority on this subject, but something needs to be said, so here goes my first attempt to write on this subject.

Here is my firm conviction (based in part on ideas I articulated in this post on the Christian's call to end evil in the world). What should you do if you are a Christian wife who loves God and His Word, believes in headship and submission, but is married to a man who physically abuses you and/or your kids? GET OUT.

You may say, “Shouldn't I endure and submit? Shouldn't I try to forgive and love unconditionally?” And my answer would be, “Absolutely!” But you can endure, forgive, and love unconditionally without staying in a place that actually encourages more sin. You aren't enduring with him in love when you stay in a place that invites abuse. We have a term for it now – enabling. If your husband has a porn problem, you aren't loving him by bringing him Playboy magazines, right? He might say, “Go get me a playboy magazine.” Or “I want to have a 3-way.” (Pardon the crude example—but I think we need an example like this to really get a grip on the difference.) We would never counsel a wife to submit to a 3-way because her husband is her head. NEVER! And the same wife who shouldn't bring her husband a playboy magazine should not bring him her children to abuse either.

Now, I would also counsel a woman in this situation definitely to endure in love, hoping the best for her husband. I would counsel her to pray diligently for his repentance and transformation and to believe confidently that God can do this. She should pray that he would repent to his children. But NOT from a place where she is enabling him to continue to sin against her or her children.

Issues of verbal abuse are a little trickier. But I use the same line of reasoning there. When you sense that your mere presence is provoking a sinful, angry response against you, remove yourself in love from the situation. You are submitting to God's moral law by not remaining in that cycle of anger even if you are not submitting to your husband in that moment. We recognize this hierarchy of submission in other areas. I submit to my government until they require something of me that is directly contradicted by God's Word. I submit to my parents until they require something of me that contradicts God's moral law. And the same goes with my husband. If your husband is abusing you, instead of focusing on the instructions to submit, you may need to start thinking in terms of loving your enemies.

If you are married to an angry man who hasn't physically acted out on that anger, I recommend Gary Thomas' Sacred Influence. He deals with influencing an angry man, and I found his treatment of it, while not exhaustive, certainly helpful. It may be a good starting point for you.

That's a very short treatment of the subject. Gospel grace, enduring love, and eating it are all still quite relevant when faced with the terrible evil of a powerful person using his power to physically wound those under his authority. You can both extend gospel grace and say no to the perpetuation of evil at the same time. But it has taken me a lot of thinking and wrestling with Scripture to get a vision for what that looks like. I have more thinking to do on this and maybe I'll flesh this out more in the future. But for right now, if you are in a physically abusive situation, please don't think you are serving your husband or God by facilitating his sin against you. And please, please, please get your children out and protect them.

**If you know of a Christian organization that helps women in such situations, please feel free to leave the link in the comment section. I know of places in the Seattle area, but I don't have recommendations for other regions.**

The Misnomer Righteous Anger

2011-02-20T07:58:00.000-08:00

Who first coined the term “righteous anger”? It's not in Scripture. In fact, the only Scripture that links the term anger and righteousness says, “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). Why do Christians so regularly call something righteous that God says never accomplishes righteousness? I am coming to absolutely despise the term “righteous anger.” I'm biased. I have baggage. I've watched “righteous anger” used as a justification for some very bad behavior by Christian leaders in particular, and I want to stand up and shout out from the mountaintop to stop it all. I want to exercise my own version of “righteous anger” against their “righteous anger.” Sin against sin. That's the Christian way, isn't it? The last time I wrote about this, I was angry. Oh the irony of it all.

Instead of writing angrily about anger once again, I'm going to lay down my personal sword and attempt to pick up God's. If I can throw off my own baggage and look objectively at Scripture, I think I will be much better equipped to deal with my own anger as well as others.

The Bible does not use the phrase righteous anger. It never prescribes anger, and it never says an angry response was good. The only thing in Scripture that comes close is Paul's instructions in Ephesians 4:26,

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

So you can be angry and not sin. And the way to be angry and not sin is to DEAL WITH IT quickly, before the sun goes down. Note that this does not say you must deal with it and settle it with whomever you are mad. Otherwise, it's an impossible standard because it would be utterly dependent on the cooperation of someone over whom you have no control. I used to think that if I was angry at bedtime with my husband, I HAD to talk it out with him before we turned the lights off. He did not hold the same opinion, and often was not nearly as mad with me as I was with him. And when he didn't want to talk, that made me REALLY mad. He was forcing me to sin, or so I thought. It's taken a while, but I've learned that I can well deal with my anger without my husband's help. In fact, I really must. He and I can talk about the issue underlying my anger once I stop being angry, but it's never once worked for us to talk about it while I am angry.

So far, we've read that the Word says that if you are angry, do not sin. Deal with your anger before much time passes. That passage in Ephesians ends with a discourse on forgiving others as God has forgiven us through Christ. But how do you get from point A (raging anger) to point B (forgiveness)? Thankfully, we do have an outlet for our anger. It is God Himself. And He has left us many examples in the Psalms of believers crying out to Him in their anger and frustration.

Psalms 73 gives us an example of a guy who is vexed at the wicked.

12 Behold, these are the wicked;
always at ease, they increase in riches.
13 All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence.
14 For all the day long I have been stricken
and rebuked every morning.
...
16 But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
17 until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.

The Psalmist is frustrated about legitimate sins. Why are these evil people prospering?! He takes his vexation to God Himself, and God meets him in it and transforms him.

Consider also Psalm 10.

v 1 Why, O LORD, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

And Psalms 42.

v. 9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

If God didn't give me these psalms in His inspired word to instruct me, I would never have thought it OK to bring such raw hurt to Him in prayer. Yet, in His mercy, He invites me to pour out my raw emotions to Him. While much of my anger is caused by my own selfishness, some of my anger is legitimately caused by other's sins that deeply wound myself or those I love. I must pour out my frustration, my disappointment, and my fears to someone. And God tells me that, in Christ, I can boldly and confidently pour it out to Him. THAT alone is my hope for transforming it from anger (which God says in James absolutely will NOT accomplish anything righteous) to some other emotion or resolve that God can use for His kingdom purposes.

The great justification for righteous anger is Jesus' cleansing of the temple. We Christians love to go all angry-Jesus-on-the-temple. But here's the problem with that. We don't attempt to forgive other's sins like Jesus did. We don't attempt to turn water into wine or raise the dead back to life. There are a whole string of things Jesus said and did that we do not do ourselves because they were things that were evidence that JESUS WAS GOD. Jesus was Lord over the temple. You and I are not. We are infringing on things that are only His as God when we use His cleansing of the temple to justify acting out on our anger. Again, think through why you would not tell someone that you are forgiving their sins. What is the difference in telling someone that you forgive them of their sins and, say, washing their feet? Well, one Jesus did to show He was God, and the other He did to give us an example of servant leadership. That's the same difference between cleansing the temple and turning the other cheek.

In summary, Scripture teaches that the only righteous anger is anger that is not exercised. The only outlet for righteous anger is God Himself. The only righteous actions that stem from anger are those that come out of the other side of the sieve of God Himself—vexation poured out to Him that He transforms into something else (resolve, burden, compassion) that He can then use for His kingdom.

Practical Theology for Women

Lonely in a Crowd

Discipling an Aspie

Wisdom v. the Law on Women's Issues

Much of Tebowmania represents the worst of American Christianity

How Should Christian Women Who Value Submission Think of Vashti and Esther?

Godliness with Contentment

Top 5 Posts of 2011

Thoughts on Tebow, SNL, and Jesus

Painting Pictures of Egypt

On Lonely Christmases

Where else would I go?!

A Habakkuk 3 Kind of Thanksgiving

Women Saved Through Childbearing?!

When Good Men Do Nothing

Give US Grace – parenting advice for moms of infants and toddlers

There is no coasting in this walk of faith.

Performance Evaluations and Sanctification by Grace

Self-delusion Verses Self-condemnation

Math and Theology

Hugs and Affirmation

Feasting

On Quitting My Job

Parenting the Abnormal Child

A Theology of Spiritual Abuse

The Myth of the Biblical Parenting Method (and free book give away)

Gospel Centered Manhood

Never sowing because the clouds aren't right

Worshiping My Way Out of Disillusion

The Bible I Never Knew

The Present

Facebook and the Kingdom

Purity and Peace

What Bitterness REALLY is

Disposable Single Men

The Sound of Silence

The Golden Rule for Conflict

False Humility, Worm Theology, Self-esteem, and Other Related Concepts

Karma is Seductive

A New Normal

Normal Confession

Reflections on 13 Years of Marriage

Protection or Inoculation?

It isn't good to be alone.

Fruitful in the Land of My Affliction

The Gospel Frees Me from Circling the Wagons

Desperate Mothers

Review of Half the Church by Carolyn Custis James

More on Godliness with Contentment

Godliness with Contentment

For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms

Help My Unbelief: Suffering

Counterintuitive Words of Comfort for the Hurting

Easter Reflections

Justified

Authentic Confession

Wisdom Verses the Law on Women's Issues

Schooling Our Kids

Conflict between parties of unequal authority

Helping the Hurting

The Cry of the Oppressed

Aligning with the Mustard Seed

Watering Seeds and Waiting for Fruit

A Resurrection Response to Loss

An Imperfectionist in a Perfectionist World

Grace based parenting in the real world

Repenting with my children

For abused wives

The Misnomer Righteous Anger