Where else would I go?!

The last two weeks, our pastors have preached from John 6. I highly recommend their sermons. Here's the one from Nov. 27. I'm waiting on the link to the other. I went home from church and read John 6 again. It's a pivotal moment in Jesus' ministry, and God struck me with the significance for my own life as I reread it. Consider the scene.

The people have a felt need. They are hungry, and Jesus provides abundantly—with baskets and baskets left over. It's amazing, incredible provision! The people quickly move to make Him king. Who wouldn't, right?! This PROVIDER is what they've been looking for. Or so they think. But Jesus understands their purpose and eludes them. When they finally catch up to Him, He rocks their understanding of Him.

25 When they found him on the other side of the sea, they said to him, "Rabbi, when did you come here?" 26 Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. 27 Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." 28 Then they said to him, "What must we do, to be doing the works of God?" 29 Jesus answered them, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." 30 So they said to him, "Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform? 31 Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, 'He gave them bread from heaven to eat.'"

Jesus points out to them that they seek Him now, not because He's doing the signs of the Messiah, but simply because He provided great, free food. They hear His rebuke and seem to want to understand.

32 Jesus then said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. 33 For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." 34 They said to him, "Sir, give us this bread always."

Still more earnest desire to understand. Bread of heaven?! That sounds good. What is that?!! We want that!

35 Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

Jesus Himself is the bread of heaven, the eternal sustenance. When the people believe in Jesus, they won't need signs or healing or miraculous provisions of food. He's not there to provide them with felt needs, but to provide them with LIFE.

41 So the Jews grumbled about him, because he said, "I am the bread that came down from heaven." 42 They said, "Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, 'I have come down from heaven'?" 43 Jesus answered them, "Do not grumble among yourselves. 44 No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day. … 47 Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. 48 I am the bread of life. 49 Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. 50 This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. 51I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh."  52 The Jews then disputed among themselves, saying, "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?"

They continue to grumble and dispute what He's saying. It makes no sense to them. It doesn't fit their paradigms. Instead of backing down, He takes it up a notch.

53 So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. … 60 When many of his disciples heard it, they said, "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?" …
 66 After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. 67 So Jesus said to the Twelve, "Do you want to go away as well?" 68 Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, 69 and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."

When I finished reading this chapter, I shut off the lights and stared out the window at the night sky for a while. I understood clearly what the Spirit was communicating to me. God has worked miraculously in my life many, many times. Incredibly. Abundantly. I recounted some of it in the introduction of my first book. But for a few years now, I've felt a bit in the desert. I've identified more with Habakkuk than the feeding of the 5000. I've felt more like Hagar and less like Ruth (and that does not reflect at all on my loving husband – just fyi). I resonate more with the Psalms of lament than the Psalms of thanksgiving. And I've waited and waited on God to move like He used to. I KNOW He heals the sick. I've seen Him heal the sick. Yet He's allowed me to live for four years with chronic pain. I KNOW He changes hearts. I've watched Him change hearts. Yet I've waited for years for loved ones to repent and repair with those they've wronged. I KNOW He provides. I've seen Him provide. Yet I now watch friends file bankruptcy and lose homes.

The Spirit whispers, “It's time, Wendy. It's time for a faith that isn't tied to what God will physically do for you or those you love.” Habakkuk had an incredible faith, yet His articulation of it in Habakkuk 3 threatens me more than it inspires me. But it's when the barns are empty and the crops fail that we become desperate. And desperation is what pushes us to feed on Jesus alone. Pure desperation. Things are critical. I'm at my last resort. I'm out of options. The things I used to rely on (often without even realizing it) are shown to be completely ineffective. But I don't walk away. Where else would I go?! I know in that moment who has the words of LIFE, and I desperately want LIFE.

Jesus may be done with exciting provisions in my life. Maybe not, and I will receive them with great thanksgiving if they come again. They were so helpful to my early faith when they did come, and I am grateful for His miraculous past provision even as I receive this season of quiet from His hand moving on my behalf. This season, it's not about His hand. It's about His face. It's not about feasting on His physical provision. It's about feasting on His spiritual provision at a whole new level. I'm understanding faith in a new and different way. It doesn't make faith during amazing provision any less real, but it's different now. And there is something precious in the difference. I don't worship Him because He provides. I worship Him because there is NO ONE and NOTHING ELSE. As Jesus said,

63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.

I echo with Peter, “Where else would I go? You have the words of eternal life. You are the Holy One of God. I believe."